Piecing Advice

[SDFoundGirl]

Welllll...we didn't talk about kids. We *started* to, but somehow we ended up in a 2-hour therapy session with me REALLY expressing my anger about and towards the ho-bag snatch with pubic lice.

I'm not even sure how we got there...I know that H said he valued that friendship, BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OUR MARRIAGE. I was actually surprised at the level of vehemence I felt and expressed towards her...essentially because I really don't believe she couldn't sense H's feelings, b/c she should have told him some of the things they discussed should have been discussed with me, b/c she has been an absolute SNATCH to me when H is not around (totally looked straight at me at a function this past week at H's work, I said hi, and she pretended not to see me. B!TCH!!!!

Anyway, I talked, I cried, I even told H I didn't believe him when he said he'd never discussed particulars with her b/c I'd listened to one of his voicemails early on where she was laughing at me b/c he'd called ME an alien (my 180s).

H has been amazing. He said all he wanted was for me to really figure things out and let it all out. He asked me why I wasn't angry with him...and I can't answer that. Am I? Jen, Rob, have you found you're angry with your S?

Because the thing is, I feel no anger towards H at all. I think I went through that whole process during DBing where there were times I almost hated him for putting us through this. And I came to an understanding of his position because I know and love him.

So, am I harboring anger towards him? I don't feel like it....I don't act like it....but then I was totally shocked at just HOW angry I felt towards the snatch. Told H and the MC I just wanted to punch her in the face every time I see her, how I feel like she senses the change in attention and is a bit put out and that's why she's being such a C-word (a word I truly reserve for very, very special occasions!). Also told him how I didn't trust that he'd come back to the M b/c of me, but b/c the snatch had hooked up w/the friend...and why I thought that. (H acted all super down the Thursday b/4 Labor Day, like his life was over....that was the weekend I almost cheated on him--and told him that in MC--and then right after LD was when he changed his demeanor towards me. MC looked at her notes and confirmed a change in attitude!)

Anyway, it's not about being right. H has been amazingly supportive and loving, and it's those actions which give me trust in him and our M again. It's those things that are helping to heal our relationship together. And, quite frankly, it's nice to have my turn to speak my mind. Not in a mean way, but in an honest way.

For the first time in forever I slept like a baby and felt lighter after that session. It was a good one, one I didn't even realize I needed.

Hope all is well with everyone else!

Love,

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Hi SD and thank you so much for posting this. It helps to see similarities in piecing.
Anger - yes I felt it. Remember in October/November last year I ended up having individual C cos I was basically mildly depressed. I think that was my anger turning inward.
When a person DB's their own needs and wants have to go on the backburner for a while in order to reach the bigger goal of saving the M. But this situation cannot go on indefinately, that is NOT a healthy R. Eventually you have to come to a point where you think that your WAS has to be putting in some effort too, in which case you get to piecing.
Why not angry at H? Well, it might be because you have seen him put in the effort to save your M. He's made a mistake in talking to OW but he's realised it's wrong and he's come back. He's now talkign to you, you have probably forgiven him, you are capable of that, you realise people are only human and do get it wrong sometimes.
Anger at OW - def can understand that. She has shown no remorse, maybe to you it seems as if instead of accepting that someone she was getting attention from has decided to go back to his M she is lamenting the attention she is now missing. It probably made her feel good (personaly I think that's a little sick to take pleasure out of attention from a married man) and now you're taking that from her. She is totally ignoring the fact that it was a M at stake here, we are no longer kids in the playground, it's not a case of getting over it in a couple of weeks like you would if we were all teenagers, this is far bigger now.
I think it's good you got that anger out, it's so good that H is listening too. Men (sorry Rob, Swashy, any other men reading) sometimes miss the small signals. I mean to his mind his friendship with her is nothing more than that, so he sees no problem. To you it nearly came between you and H, so I can understand it hurts. Not sure if that made so much sense, just trying to say men often go for the "no problem" route while women prefer to analyse. Neither is right or wrong, both approaches can be either and both at the same time. As you say, it's not about right and wrong.
it would be nice if this OW (LW) could be magnaminous and let it go, the fact it seems she can't speaks volumes - she is to be pitied.
Anyway - back to you. I'm glad you got the anger out and in a constructive way rather than destructive, it's a good example of "it's OK to be angry, it's how you deal with it that counts".

Thank you SO much for sharing this - I am doing OK, realise piecing can be a little confusing at times, I am giving myself the rest of this year to get to a truly "comfortable" position. The new me is not 100% natural yet, but I am celebrating baby steps towards it and noticing when things which were "old me" have been replaced by "new me" (there are situations between me and H which in the past would have led to an argument, now I can take a step back and really THINK before I act). It's not always straightforward but I am now capable. I would hate to get into a position where I think "this is just all the old stuff coming back, I'm off". I now have the tools to look at the bigger picture, consider what I want to happen next, what I need to do to get there and also that I should give MYSELF patience.

OK - gonna go now - hope you're having a good few sleeps now the anger is off your chest!!

[Rob1231]

H has been amazing. He said all he wanted was for me to really figure things out and let it all out. He asked me why I wasn't angry with him...and I can't answer that. Am I? Jen, Rob, have you found you're angry with your S?

Because the thing is, I feel no anger towards H at all. I think I went through that whole process during DBing where there were times I almost hated him for putting us through this. And I came to an understanding of his position because I know and love him.

So, am I harboring anger towards him? I don't feel like it....I don't act like it....but then I was totally shocked at just HOW angry I felt towards the snatch.

Whew, what a session, SD! Glad you finally got to put all of that on the table - I know how much it has bothered you to bottle it up.

My sitch is at a different place ATM. W and I never discuss the A or OM. Someday, we may be able to, but for right now we're more at a spot where we are working on us and ignoring that incident. Healthy? I don't know - I guess it's not healthy that this is unresolved, but it is healthy that neither of us seems to be focused on it. The last time I saw my C, she advised just leaving it be if I could, for a very long time - felt that it would do more harm than good to discuss it at this point. I agree.

I don't think I'm repressing anger towards W. I understand how she got to the point where this happened, and I regret that she let it go that route, and I regret my own part in it. I love her and just want things to keep getting better.

The OM, on the other hand.... Well, it's fortunate that he lives 2+ hours away, and chances are that I will never encounter him again. If I take any time to sit and think about him, it still can make my vision go red and vivid fantasies of doing him serious bodily harm can play through my head. If I ever met him in person, I don't know what I would do - but it would not be pretty. Fortunately, I have very little reason to give him any more thought. I really do feel for you and others who encounter the OP on a regular basis - that has to be VERY tough!!!

[SDFoundGirl]

Okay, all is well, nothing has changed, but tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am DREADING it. I don't want to celebrate it or even acknowledge it with H. I want to pretend it's just another day and forget about it.

I just can't figure out why. It started small until tonight when this wave of absolute I DON'T WANT TO! hit me.

In some ways I feel like I'd be faking it, because as much as I love H, I'm not over this past summer. In MC whenever I bring up these kinds of feelings (things related to the snatch (LW), how I feel about what happened, etc.), H always seems completely bewildered and says things like, "I don't even know where this is coming from." He's genuinely mystified, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to scream at him and say how ISN'T this still with you? WHY are you so mystified that I'm feeling this way?

I guess...maybe it's that all of his feelings and issues were addressed, that we focused for so long...that I focused so long...on so that by the time he really felt better and was healed, I was just getting started.

And I don't know what I'd even say to him, because it's nothing he's doing now, nothing specific. It's just as simple--and complicated--as I'm still hurting from this summer. It's like now I have the luxury of feeling a lot of the pain I had to set aside in order to take care of business in my life.

And really, H can't do anything to change these feelings of mine; I have to change them myself. I have to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go.

Maybe that's the key, to finally feel them so I *can* let them go. I felt so much better last week after I finally let all of my feelings out about LW; I have to say that aside from my nicknames for her, I feel a lot different about her now. Not that I want her to be my new shopping buddy or anything, but she's insignificant.

I guess maybe I really am angry with H, and this is what I'm processing. I've opened some unholy floodgate of stored up feelings, and there's no closing that gate until they're all out and dealt with. Friggin' feelings!

I have changed though; in the past I would have acted on my feelings in little ways towards H, and I would have relied on him to make me feel better. Now I know I am responsible for my own choices and actions.

Sorry for this long, rambling piece, but I was all of a sudden feeling like I was going to start crying and never stop, one of those good old cries where you cry until you have no more tears left and you just sort of lay there and hiccup. I think I might need to schedule me one of those for a time H isn't around. Feel it and let it all go.

Okay, think I'll go to bed now.

SD

[Rob1231]

Wow, SD, that was quite a post. (Makes me wonder if my own bottled up stuff is waiting to sneak up and clobber me with a 2x4 unexpectedly someday!)

I'm really sorry you're feeling down on the whole V-Day deal. You've come so far and you've done so much to help your R - you deserve a wonderful, romantic celebration of your accomplishments.

I'm glad you're not spewing this at H right now. If I were him, this would probably come across as laying some serious guilt and blame - while understandable, it would set you back a bit, and I don't think you really want that.

Have your cry and do what you need to get this poison out of your system. Then move on! I know you have the strength to do that.

[Jeff223]

Your feelings are very normal. Just when I think I am 'detached' from my drama, back I slide.

Why? Because we are human, b/c we care. If you really were done feeling what is that? It is called death girl.

But those feelings come from within you. What else do you feel? Concentrate on those for today b/c YOU are worth it. Celebrate the day for YOU.

Fake it? I will have to hurt you if you do that. No need to fake anything - you and your feelings are as real as they come.

After ValDay, share those other feeling with H. Sharing feelings is the key to a happy R - that much this place has given me.

Have a happy Valentine.

[inspiredjulie]

SD...

Hope u get your cry... find that happy place of yours, light a candle and relax. You are awesome and amazing. And you'll work thru this shit. Bottled up your feelings for so long and they need to come out. do something nice for yourself. I just think you are wonderful!! Julie

[Jen_Jam]

SD - quick one. This is normal, the feeling of anger. I felt a little angry at your H when I read your post.
It helped me, when I felt angry at my H, along the lines of "don't you realise the months of s**t you've put me through!?!" was to remember that I put him through my own special brand of s**t. I helped create the situation and H had had his time of feeling low like I did.
You certainly have it in you to NOT play the blame game, all I can suggest now is DB yourself - remember patience? How you had to give loads to H? Well give yourself loads now. You WILL come through this, but it will take time.
I have felt like walking off myself at times BUT that's not the answer. I'm still getting it wrong at times, still suffer from some bitterness and still have to drown out some of the old me. I'm starting to believe that Piecing takes at least as long, if not longer, than DB'ing. Then we have to go into R maintainence mode, which will be for the rest of our lives.

Take it easy SD, you've come a long way, and you have all the tools to get through this. If you feel the need to vent you've got these boards. Well done for not taking it out on H and not slipping into the old you - I have been a little bit lately, got pulled up on it thankfully.

[SDFoundGirl]

Wow, SD, that was quite a post. (Makes me wonder if my own bottled up stuff is waiting to sneak up and clobber me with a 2x4 unexpectedly someday!)

Thanks Rob! Yeah, all of these feelings lately have really sneaked up on me. I actually look at my ability to have these feelings as a positive sign. If I can feel comfortable enough to feel these things, then the M is a lot stronger.

And it is! I love my H and I am really, really THANKFUL that all of this happened. I mean that sincerely. What I gained is well worth the pain it caused me.

My H tends to take responsibility for things that aren't his--like my feelings--and that's the only reason I've been hiding how I've been feeling the last few days. In no way do I want him to feel guilty or responsible, because this is not about that. It's about the fact that I had to store away a lot of pain for a really long time because of the situation, and now it's time to feel it and let it go. It's really no more than that. If I don't do this, I don't see how I can really be the W my H deserves; there will always be this little wall between us. I never want there to be those walls there again, and so I have to face these things down.

Anyway, you've always been about a month or so behind me, so beware. It's normal.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Jeff. It's crazy how our bodies and minds work! This is really, really out of nowhere for me, though during MC or when I do bring things up I notice those feelings sitting there waiting for me.

I guess it's just time for both of us. Time heals all wounds, right? We both have permission to feel these things....

SD