Perhaps I am confusing everyone because we are really talking about two things here. One is my advice to Hairdog. I stand by what I said. I think he needs to strike a balance between exerting his own power in the relationship but holding short of making it into a confrontation that could escalate further. In this way he needs to differentiate because it seems to be they are both very enmeshed.
My statement about cleaning the yard is from my personal experience, that as an enmeshed person, I felt statements like that put me on the spot. That does not mean that I do not believe in differentiating, but IMO it is a realistic acknowledgement that becoming differentiated and not reacting to such a statement is a slow process. I believe that no matter how “healthy” we become, we will always have an internal reaction to our hot buttons. Maybe we control it to the point that it is barely noticeable, but for someone who is fully enmeshed and under no desire to control their response, that kind of statement can cause damage.
Sometimes moving forward requires taking a step back for every two steps forward. Other times it means not ever stepping back at all, even if no forward progress is made. I see the potential damage from inflaming MrsHD as something to be avoided. HD needs to go to battle, but he needs to pick his fights carefully and engage in those that he feels are really important and be willing to concede on others. Winning the war does not mean winning every battle.
