Like a ton of bricks.

[Lost_for_now]

FIB,

Thank you very much for the time you put into that post. I want to reply to some of the things you said, so I've put what you said in quotes and my replies are in bold...

"If she was still living at home, I'd recommend that you leave them up...if there is a chance she will stop by, I wouldn't take them down either...at least just for now. Same with the wedding ring. What message do you want your W to get?"

I find it difficult to have the pictures up. Every time I see them it destroys any positive steps I have taken and brings me right back down. I have only in the past couple days taken off my wedding ring. I agree with your sentiment though; I want her to get the message that I want to be married, so I should behave like it.

"One thing that I have told myself over and over...and repeat...is that if you tell yourself that you can't control her, you will release yourself a bit for blaming yourself for everything. Remember...there are two people in every M. Stop beating yourself. Start to GAL. For me, I took motorcycle lessons, salsa lessons and my next GAL is to go back to playing my bagpipes which I have put down for several years. RUN....get to the gym..enjoy the endorphins. I feel much better and my mind is much clearer after exercising. Did you put on a few lbs? Lose them."

Boy, I could sure use a little release from blaming myself. I've really raked myself over the coals for the past several months. It's funny you mention motorcycle lessons, that's something that I've wanted to do for a long time! And yes, the gym is a great release for me as well. I go three times a week, and I want to get there more often. You are right, the endorphin release and the fact that it gets your mind off of the situation is like magic.

"For the most part right now, you need to back off, stay calm and do something really tough...keep a PMA (positive mental attitude). Women are like bloodhounds, they can sniff out anger, fear, etc.

Back off on the telling her what you are doing. Create MYSTERY NOT JEALOUSY."

I understand about the backing off part, but the tricky part for me is that she seems to want to push things forward at light speed. That makes me feel like I need to do something quickly or it will be over before I know it. I'm unsure how to balance those two things.

"And finally, the OM thing. This is most difficult for me to post as sometimes I still don't believe. I KNEW that my W would have a PA when my bomb occurred. She had to test and change everything..new body, new clothes, new car...eventually it would have to be me. When people told me she was having an A last year, I didn't believe it. Well..it was an EA (emotional affair) not a PA (physical affair). But the PA occurred when I was at my height of getting better....a 'backseater' one -timer. BUT...I knew something was up...she needed to go to the library on a night when the house was empty and she had pulled off her engagement ring only weeks before. Trust me...painful times."

Man, I'm sorry to read about your situation there. I feel sometimes like I don't know what I would do if I had proof of a PA (or EA for that matter) but one thing I feel for sure is that I need to know, one way or the other.

"I can tell you that it is VERY difficult to decide what to do if you are suspicious of this. They say that if you THINK it is happening, it probably is."

SO glad to hear you say that. SO GLAD. In one of our counseling sessions it came up that I suspected her of cheating, and when the counselor asked me why, I told her that I just had that 'feeling' that you get. She looked at me like I had three heads. I could not agree with you more; people just know that something is up.

"The double edge sword about this is that if you get caught snooping and get caught up in fear-based behavior, it may crush any chances you have of reconciliation."

Okay, so here's a somewhat short story that I think directly relates to what you said. I DID snoop, and I DID get caught. I was checking her cell phone and got caught. I came clean, told her what I was doing and I apologized. She said, 'did you find what you were looking for?' and i said no. I only checked a few of her recent call list before I got caught. The thing I really was after was the text messages received. Anyway, we had a talk about me looking in her phone and I thought it was resolved. More recently she told me that that is what helped push her over the edge because she didn't want to continue to make me feel like I had to check her phone.

Now, as an aside to this story, we go back to that counseling session I was talking about earlier when I said that I had that 'feeling.' The reason that was brought up in the session was that I met my W before the session at a coffee house. I told her that there was something I needed to tell her. When we met, I told her that I decided that if we get back together I couldn't live with not knowing if she had cheated on me. So, IF we got back together I would have to have her submit to a lie detector test. I said that that would be the only way I could be sure. When I said that to her, she started crying a whole bunch. I was surprised, and asked her why she was crying. She said, 'I thought you were going to show up here with divorce papers.' Things seemed to go downhill after that as far as our R.

Now, what I'm wondering is, is it possible that she had an affair but it's over? So that, she may at one time have been entertaining the idea of reconciliation but now that she knows that I would make her take a lie detector test (that she would fail) she realizes that it is pointless?

"What will you do with this?
If you find out, will it change how you feel?
If she did have an A, would you take her back and find forgiveness?"

Great questions there. I've thought a LOT about it. There was a time when I would have unequivocally said that if someone cheated on me that that would be it. I would walk right out and that would be it. Well, things tend to change when it's actually happening to you. Not sure where I stand now. Here is what I think at the moment. If she cheated, she didn't do it to hurt me. She did it because our marriage was lacking something she needed. However, it DID hurt me so I would need to know everything about what happened and why. Then I think we'd need to go to more counseling to help us deal with it. Could I move past it? I don't know, that's a tough one. One year down the line, if we're having a heated argument, would I bring it back up? Honestly, I'm not sure right now.

I thank you again for making me think about things differently than I have been. Hopefully by doing the things that I need to do, she will want to come back. If not, and I lose her, at least I know that I've started making myself better.