Feeling grateful.... I just took myself to lunch and went to wash my car. Taking it easy today and it feels so good. I need to let myself be and just take my blessings in. I took a detour last week and was feeling overwhelmed by it all.
I do think that the meds the DR put me on are surely also helping. I have fought taking these meds for years cause " I can do this by myself " type of mentality. When all my body needed was a litle help and it made me feel less if I had to take medicine and others didn't, how foolish. The things we fight so hard are sometimes the very things we need to give into.
I needed to take meds for years and for years I needed to love myself enough to carve out time for me and give myself some love so that what I gave others was the best of me. I foolishly have thought that if I just give and give and give some more and let me slide it will be ok . Not so,, I need to give myself a gift of taking care of me and then everything else comes into place. I was doing that for a bit but then I got sucked into feeling pity for myself,, why?
When I know, I am strong , beautiful and worthy. And when I love me it seems so much better but it sure is easy to give into fear and stop loving me. The hardest thing for me to do is put me first b/c for years upon years it has been be a MOM and that is it. I left no room for myself to be a Woman to have my wants fulfilled. It is ok to be a Woman and a Wife and a MOM all at the same time. Just not get lost in one role for too long. It is ok for me to be sensual and sexual and want to still be desirable it does not make me a bad Mother it just makes me human.
It will take alot of work on my part to keep this instilled in me and not get in the rut of just being MOM and WIFE. I need to be a Woman for me and for my H and for my kids too.
I have been digging deep and letting myself feel good and feel sexy and it has been fun,, burtied feelings. I think I was so afraid my H would reject me , and b/c of his affairs I felt ugly. I let the beauty in me sit still for FAR TOO LONG,,, I hope it keeps coming to the surface.
I want to feel alive...... It is starting and it feels so much better than holding my breath waiting for it all to get better!
