LFN....Jeff has been on my side now for quite sometime and I can definitely say that you lucked out. Those here that get him to swoop into their threads are most fortunate indeed.
I have a few thoughts...some tough to hear...but...I needed to hear them too. From what I've read so far, you are in a tough sitch. As Jeff said, sometimes when that switch goes off, it is tough to throw back on. This is especially so when you don't have children. It just makes it so easy for them to 'eject'.
I am so sad for you that your M ended so quickly. My W is in MLC and is a live-in. Trust me....I look at all our pictures up on the wall everyday. Her dresser in our BR has all our wedding photos on it. If she was still living at home, I'd recommend that you leave them up...if there is a chance she will stop by, I wouldn't take them down either...at least just for now. Same with the wedding ring. What message do you want your W to get?
One thing that I have told myself over and over...and repeat...is that if you tell yourself that you can't control her, you will release yourself a bit for blaming yourself for everything. Remember...there are two people in every M. Stop beating yourself. Start to GAL. For me, I took motorcycle lessons, salsa lessons and my next GAL is to go back to playing my bagpipes which I have put down for several years. RUN....get to the gym..enjoy the endorphins. I feel much better and my mind is much clearer after exercising. Did you put on a few lbs? Lose them.
For the most part right now, you need to back off, stay calm and do something really tough...keep a PMA (positive mental attitude). Women are like bloodhounds, they can sniff out anger, fear, etc.
Back off on the telling her what you are doing. Create MYSTERY NOT JEALOUSY.
Run...get back into shape.....are you dressing 'hip'? Did you become 'boring' in your R? If so, I have a .pdf for you to read that helps.
And finally, the OM thing. This is most difficult for me to post as sometimes I still don't believe. I KNEW that my W would have a PA when my bomb occurred. She had to test and change everything..new body, new clothes, new car...eventually it would have to be me. When people told me she was having an A last year, I didn't believe it. Well..it was an EA (emotional affair) not a PA (physical affair). But the PA occurred when I was at my height of getting better....a 'backseater' one -timer. BUT...I knew something was up...she needed to go to the library on a night when the house was empty and she had pulled off her engagement ring only weeks before. Trust me...painful times.
I can tell you that it is VERY difficult to decide what to do if you are suspicious of this. They say that if you THINK it is happening, it probably is. Been there done that. The double edge sword about this is that if you get caught snooping and get caught up in fear-based behavior, it may crush any chances you have of reconciliation. On the other hand, I think you DO have the right and need to know what is going on with your life. Think hard about this. You can always start with benign stuff like checking your itemized home calls, etc. But again:
What will you do with this? If you find out, will it change how you feel? If she did have an A, would you take her back and find forgiveness?
For now, I would keep cool, stay calm. No anger. Validate her feelings. Keep in touch but don't pursue. No begging, crying, weakness, etc. Avoid fear-based behavior. "Continue to be the same strong and unwavering husband that you've always been".
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
