Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Muddle, it appears what your W did was take revenge on you by attempting to embarrass you in public.

Was she? I didn't ask her, I don't know. I'm more inclined to think she ran away to escape the embarassing situation, but I don't know. I'm not going to claim to know either. That's the source of a lot of our troubles. Communicating about this directly would yield solutions, assuming motivations will lead to more problems. I was just trying to point out how I could be hurt that she "tried to embarass me" when this is something that only happened in my paranoid self involved perception. Could it have happened in reality? Sure, but unless she has communicated this to me directly I am judging her. Who am I to judge and how will it improve the situation if I do?

It's quite OK to want something to be done or not done but what it comes down to is how you work with the other person to make it so. If she sincerely wants you to not mention PAYLESS in front of others then she should bring it up with you in a way that will get her what she wants.

This particular issue is far more difficult than coming to a simple agreement about something. Yet that might itself be because I'm complicating it with all of the concepts I'm bringing into the picture. When it comes down to it, I did something that embarassed her. It's not really something that I can promise not to do again because it's the embarassment that was the problem, not what I asked about. I'm sure I will most certainly embarass her again, and I a certain it will be a different situation. Maybe I'll clumsily walk into a parking meter, or maybe I'm slip on a banana peel, or maybe I'll ask where the bathroom is in front of a bunch of people. I'm not the issue, and neither is what I do. As long as I pretend I am, and I do this by accepting responsibility when she blames me for her feelings, I prevent her from addressing the issue. I'm enabling her denial.

Obviously what she wants is to lash out and hurt!

Wow! I'm amazed that you're able to deduce with such certainty what my W's intentions were from my limited description of the events. This MAY be the case - I don't personally think so - but thinking that it is will set me up to be really defensive. She's trying to share something, and she's not doing such a great job. I didn't do my part either because I left the situation at my assumptions rather than looking for some clarity or opening up discussion about what she was thinking or feeling. I didn't allow her to connect with me because I assumed that she was trying to blame me, and I was avoiding this. Not an easy place to be. The key to being successful in a relationship is to remain emotionally available. I didn't do my part because I withdrew my emotions in order to keep them out of harms way. If I had verbalized how I felt about her reaction - I wasn't aware of it in the moment, so I didn't, but there was some emotional reaction - I might have been able to share as well and we might have found some better understanding. As it stands, I think she thinks that I thought she was just being a neurotic boob. In some ways I did, and this is not a loving act, but rather I'm reducing her to a label that takes away her humanity. I'm removing my own humanity to do so as well. Unhealthy stuff.

In my example, W waited to get back to hotel to address it with me as opposed to lashing out in public, this in turn, made me more open to changing my behaviour.

I see what you're getting at here, and it makes sense to me too. I think it's a proactive step to voice her complaint about something specific - in fact she is taking responsibility for her feelings by addressing it this way.

Your W isn't looking for a solution here, just wants to vent and lash out.

Well, I think she was looking for a solution. Even if it is just venting, that's a solution to the enormous amount of pressure she's under. That a little embarassment could cause her to blow her top shows just how high strung she is. But you're right, she's not looking for relationship solutions, she's looking for immediate solutions to the problems that are occuring on her emotional landscape.