I'm new here and need help

[25yearsmlc]

HMom,

your H is both the man you knew and the man you see b/c he is very conflicted. The real question is who will he be when he comes out of the MLC IF he does indeed get out of it and not stay stranded in his self absorbed angst filled existence.

Also recall the warning about: Don't believe anything they say, and only half of what they DO. So whatever he said about Christmas--who knows? Who cares? Haven't you ever wanted to slap his face? Is that the "real you"? In part. But you didn't act on it. Unfortunately he is acting on all his negative urges, has no mouth filter, and is filled with blame/anger for whatever he thinks is missing from his life.

Let it roll off your back. Some MLCers test us or threaten divorce every other day BUT NEVER FILE....so you have to just Not keep obsessing/taking temp' of H every 5 minutes. You were right to see that and I think you are "getting" the whole DB concept.

I hear what you mean about the "real" H though. In my stage now, I find myself wondering how he could be the man I married, AND the idiot selfish man of the past 2 years, until recently. Since September he has said things I need to hear, acted more like the man I married/dated, and we are moving towards each other (went to Hawaii last week without the kids--excellent). Yet I still wonder at times. I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would NEVER have left our my children for any amount of money or search for truth, advancement, blah blah blah...So, I am working on depersonalizing this as I suggest you do. This is not about you. But you do have to work on YOU, for you.

You may have to eventually accept something, that you will not ever understand. That's hard. Even with forgiveness, I find it cognitively difficult to reconcile my feelings of forgiveness and love, with my amazement at his past behavior. But I am working on it, and maybe we are not meant to "understand" everything. Maybe, like faith, we are meant to make a leap and forgive that which we cannot even comprehend.

j-