Hey heather.

Thats a well written letter. I sincerely hope your H finds someone or someway to assist him with the lesson you are trying to get him to understand.


I remember when x left me a vmail, to let me know that I was going to be served on my Bday, and that... 'blah blah blah..it wasnt intentional, to get back at you for my Bday...blah blah blah'. (mental reply)'Mmm. I didnt think it was. Does it matter when or why? you wanted a D. Its cool, I understand, Im not what you want, you made your point clear, (again, and again aaaaaaannnndddd again.) dont start worring about my feelings on it now. Sheesh. quit calling me'



can you elaborate on this some? I'd like to know what you expected of your W post-A and whether or not you ever had any real hope of being able to put your M back together.


asking me to elaborate is like shaking up a champagne bottle. there is definitely going to be a mess, and someone might even lose an eye. So, Im going to pop this cork as slooooowww as I can.

my expectations went back prior to post A. once she reacted to OM and started showing attraction, my expectation was that at some point she would become aware and make a choice. She did.

So I stepped back and gave her lots of space with 'nothing' to interfere with her decision process. Its what I would want after all, freedom and choice. No one nagging,picking or telling me what to do. ooops. I had lots of expectation and Hope. confidance in her and her decision making ability. Tons of confidance in her.

Post A I had zero expectations and Zero hope. Its called 'as ifing' or being outcome independant. Its the only way to have the proper mindset to implement unflinching boundaries. The trick is not engaging in negative pushes while implementing them. Whew. Boy is that a workout during an A. Really. Its like nothing else.
What I had was a goal and a plan.

Post Reconcil, I had a butt load of expectations, tons of resentment, and reached dizzying new heights of entitlement. Its cold, lonely, hard to breathe and think reasonably up here, but damn I can sure see a long way and the view is beautiful in a stark, serene sort of way. At least during the short intervals when my vision isnt fogging over from lack of o2. do do dooo.

Post reconcil my expectations were basically--
--x you had no problem engaging in independant actions to destroy the M, (which I held together despite your negative pushes, verbal abuse and best efforts) lets see some independant action proving that you want this R. Regardless of how I act, good bad or indifferant, I expect your actions to show that you want this R.

The good, masculine leading got good reactions, the indifferant was not appreciated but not an immediate deal breaker, the bad... ..she left. Seems pretty reasonable. Im still trying to figure out why I didnt leave immediately when she had bad behavior. Oh well. Im back to being really good at that part again. (clap, clear arms, dealer moving to the next table)

As for Hope post Reconcil, I never got it back after the A. I wanted to, so I gave her a humongous negative push so I could have hope again. Silly boy.

BTW, Ive decided Im done with 'do nothing' testing. Three of the four (and I didnt even think of one of the four) possible outcomes are not positive. Ive never seen the positive one, soo... apparently its a useful as adding a bullet to the cylinder after each successful round of Russian Roulette.

Thanks Mojo. Sigh. I still have other tricks up my sleeve to avoid intimacy but the pickings are slim (must be all them cigarettes and alcohol) and less satisfying. grumble grumble.

if a women were to ask BF "But will you respect me in the morning?" he would have to be brutally honest and say "No, babe, I don't even respect you right now.".


supposing that I let the sitch degenerate to such a point or that either of us preset expectations that- that was the type of encouter we were having, I would be more inclinded to say...
with levity...
'What makes you think I respect you now?' too easy.

he'd lay all the magic at his own feet and say that she was so wonderful cause he's a kickass leader.


If I were such a KA leader I wouldnt be divorced. Alexander the Great was an Effective leader. When he died his empire fell apart. Napolean was an effective leader. Washington was an effective leader to hold starving, unclothed, ill equipped men together at Valley Forge. There is a lot of magic to lay at the feet of effective leaders. (like OG Lou) It sucks that so much appreciation and respect is lost from a moment of weakness, but that sudden drop off of the pedestal of objectification is a real smash to the marble bust.


Heather, what have been/are your expectations Post Reconcil?