Thanks - I actually had a decent weekend - I spent the whole morning Saturday psyching myself up to living in the moment and trying to focus on whats right with my life - It really helped me be positive the whole weekend
Saturday my H was talking about a funny situation at work - like a normal light hearted conversation we've had many times over - on a chance I asked him if he wanted to go to the mall shopping Sun for D's birthday gifts - he agreed and I said - great and then KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT - was very non commital and not over exhuberant didnt mention it again Sunday after he woke up - he said so what time are we going to go today - baby steps baby steps - I just kept that in my head the whole day it was not easy - I wanted to talk R all day - at one point I took a walk to the ladies room to stop myself from saying something I should not we had a very pleasant time - I know that coming here last week spurred me on to do a good job DBing this weekend - so to all of you thanks
and also - I am unemployed at the moment - and I got a call today from a job prospect - so its a good day even today as well !
Take care everyone - you are all in my thoughts !! HMOM
me - 47 H - 50 /49 when bomb happened Daughter 17 years old married 21 years together 26 years Bomb August 06 H still at home 'I love you but not in love with you'
You did a great job! On the weekend! I would bit the inside of my mouth whenever I thought I NEEDED to talk R. Sometimes I drew blood.
It isn't easy, but the next time will be a little easier.
Just remember when you do speak about R talk gently, your feelings are valid, and he doesn't know what he 'truely' is feeling, not yet. Wait for him to bring it up, until then go to the ladies room, or bite your lip.
Awesome job.
AND good luck!!!
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
d's b'day today - chinese food take out fortune cookies for all
H's fortune? "you are not a loser until you stop trying "
I LOVE CHINESE FORTUNES !
everyone take care of themselves - these Hallmark card holidays are tough
we are all in this together will you all be my valentine ?
me - 47 H - 50 /49 when bomb happened Daughter 17 years old married 21 years together 26 years Bomb August 06 H still at home 'I love you but not in love with you'
I think one thing you should hold on to is that this should be the worst Hallmark holiday for you. This time next year will not be anything like this year. And when it gets here, you can seek out your revenge on those people by making your own card ... from the real heart.
Yeah, the Hallmark holidays are tough, but I keep thinking of all I have to be greatful for. All the folks here that are so generous and wise, my D's, my friends etc. I don't think I could do this without them. W2S is right about next year. Be well.
My H left 19 months ago and his pending 50th was a stupidly HUGE factor....(no judgement there on my part....). We are now in piecing together, which means we are on the road to reconciliation. BaseballAnnie and WAS2Sad, BrandNewDay, Holly06, and so many others helped me stay the course to GAL, move on with detachment, losing the anger (in front of H that is) and I KNOW we'd be divorced if I had not come here or read those books.
There is hope but you are early on in the journey. Once H turned 50,btw, it seemed better. I also worked a LOT on improving myself but not to please him and I mean that. YOU must GAL for YOU and even though you are being healthy for you and your D16, it often gets the notice of the WAS. But it cannot be why you are GAL b/c that defeats the whole purpose and premise of truly GAL. Make sense?
When in doubt, come here. If you cannot, then take the high road and stay dignified and never lose your temper, plead, cry pursue, etc. IF it hasn't helped in the past. you know, the 180's?
You Are in the right place for now and praise God your pro-M counselor sent him to someone and your H is going!! Yeah for that.
Here's some DB advice I got that helped, but was at times super hard. As in, "Mother Teresa" hard....
1) Lose the anger. Negative reinforcement does NOT work, so lose it. Period. that means working on forgiveness (for your sake, so you don't get consumed by the anger/hurt), and detaching, which will take a bit of time. So, lose the anger, at least in front of your H.
2) Listen like a lover/friend. Lose the parenting tone ("How could you do this to us?" Why are you so selfish?" etc). Thing is, when you use that parenting scolding tone, that disapproving voice, you shut out their own inner voice. By attacking their choices/behavior, you force them to defend them, instead of examining them.
3) GAL (get a life). Stay calm and start doing what you would be doing if you weren't spending all your time thinking about your H. FORCE YOURSELF TO DO THIS and you will make progress faster. Much faster. When talking with H, be upbeat. Do NOT bring up the M. Stay on neutral topics. IF Div talk comes and spirals, act AS IF you get it, you are not in denial, and you ARE moving on and accepting, with a sense of "Oh well" resignation that H is making the biggest (sigh) mistake of his life, but you will be fine thank you. In fact, you are starting to look forward to your upcoming new life, no critical harping H around to hinder YOUR journey, etc. Indeed, you kind of wish it'd be done with by now....but DO NOTHING to further the Div for now. (Check out the DB coaching too, it costs less to buy 3 sessions with them than 3 sessions with therapists-where I live. DB coaches are very specific in their advice.
4) Model for your daughter, what it is to be hurt/in pain, AND how it does end, and it is NOT fatal and you will recover....she is getting a huge life lesson right now. Teach her what dignified women of character do when life hands them a blow to the heart and a huge setback with unwanted upheaval. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move.... If you surrender to the darkness this grief can cause, your daughter will in effect be losing both parents.
That's it for now. This hurts and it doesn't go away very quickly. Time lines seem to vary from a few months to a few years of insanity/alien spewing of negative feedback. Expect some Major marital history revisions, (he has ALWAYS BEEN MISERABLE, he was NEVER happy, or hasn't been for years, and the problems/dissatisfactions in his life are YOUR fault...welcome to our world). Your H sounds so much like a MLCer so I think there is a lot of hope in your sitch, if you don't haul off and smack him. At least from what you've posted.
"BELIEVE NOTHING HE (MLCS) SAYS AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT HE DOES." this advice turned out to be great. I had to filter so much poop from H's mouth, and it was NOT easy.
Focus on your D and what you can control and your H ain't controllable....give him some major space....he has to make a journey you don't understand and only he can find these answers within, these are HIS discoveries to make. You can't fix him. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25yearsmlc your points are well taken - I'm starting to see a pattern on how my behavior helps the situation. I have been lucky on some aspects of this in that my H has been able to say that he needs space from me. COming here and reading Michelles books have helped me focus on what I need to do without doing a temperture check on my H every 5 mins I am a fixer and I am very impatient and want this to end - but I know that if I push it or him it will not end the way I want it to D's birthday was yesterday = had a normal night at home eating dinner/cake/gifts all 3 of us togetehr I learned from mistakes I made on our anniversary to stay away from Valentines day talk Bought a gift and card for my D - I will focus on her today
I am curious to hear everyones opinion on something 3 days before Christmas we had a MC appt. I wanted to go - H asked me to cancel cause he didnt want to 'ruin Christmas" I was relunctant to cancel but agreed to do it - he spent the whole month of Dec being attentive, bought me some lovely gifts - cooked for my whole family that day = a normal holiday - I even got a lovely card from him
a week later he claimed it was all an act to keep peace and make a nice holiday for D I was crushed
NOw I know just how up and down this rollercoaster can be and I try not to read too much into good or bad moments heres ia my question - who is the real H ?
the one who appeared normal at Christmas - where he claimed it was an act - or this cold - detatched roommate who appears to me far too often
is it possible when he says it was an act he was lying to save face ?
my feeling is the latter of the 2 is the one he has to work harder at - but that could be wishful thinking on my part
I too am snowed in today - everyone take care any thoughts on my above question will be appreciated
me - 47 H - 50 /49 when bomb happened Daughter 17 years old married 21 years together 26 years Bomb August 06 H still at home 'I love you but not in love with you'
HM, I don't have an answer, but I think they're just all over the map with how they feel. I can tell you that my H and i were having better sex (oops, did I just say that out loud?) and more often than we had in along time. I'm thinking that some of the things I had been trying were working (of course opening communicating wasn't one of them b/c he wouldn't). So here we are, then guess what? You got it, the bomb. I'm like you I want to read good stuff into some of what he does. I work really hard at not. I like the term alien that is used alot here b/c sometimes I see the man I married alot of times I don't. I do see lots of hurt, anger and confusion (I'm not sure he sees the confusion, he claims to know what he wants). We can do this though. We can take care of ourselves and be who we are meant to be. Hugs.
