Still in the fight

[81388*]

TO and James;
Thanks,
I just got back, 6 hrs became almost 12 w/ snow and ice. Way too much time to think.

V-day was a potted flower and a non-romantic card, which she wasn't going to open, but I handed it to her and told her she didn't need to worry. She had said "she didn't want to cry or anything" I could still make her cry? Of course I could, she still loves me, just isn't in love with me. The card said "You want to be my valentine? Then you will have to take a number and get in line with everybody else." Inside, "here is your number, (the number on the ticket was 1)."

She started a new job today, so the note I wrote

"Wife,
Well you can't blame a guy for trying

Have a great first day at work.

Remember to trust yourself and your instincts.

Please know that I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Happy Valentines day.
Husband."

Early this AM when I got home she woke up and told me she was glad I made it home in one piece.

We have been doing well, talking more etc, she still will not say anything re: R or M, so I have not either, still not sure if that is right thing to do. Her behavior re: OM and reminders has been really good since I confronted her about it and basically told her if it didn't change she should move out, but she still wears a necklace from OM. It is so hard to even talk to her when all I see is that stupid necklace and everything it represents.

I have thought about just asking her not to wear it, but then I remember I don't care if she does, I am detached. But I do care and feel strongly that it is very painful for me and I should communicate that to my wife, but then again the entire A is painful and I am not asking her to discontinue that. It just seems like to say anything will be perceived as "the fact that you are having an A is fine, just don't remind me about it." Plus I have already told her in no uncertain terms that I do not condone or respect her behavior, irregardless of her's and OM's excuses.

Said it one time, face to face, no anger, her body language and face confirmed that she heard me, and I have not mentioned it again. So starting in on the stupid necklace would probably be counter-productive.

I realize how fortunate I am that W and OM do not have routine physical contact, maybe once a month at most, because I can see the A being the reason I quit trying. If it were not for OM, I could be much more successful at detaching, I already have been, but I can't seem to swing detaching from my W's relationship with an OM.

It is a thought consuming, nightmare inducing, self confidence shaking, self esteem reducing, emotionally torturing, love dissapating, situation which threatens to totally consume everything I thought I was. It certainly is a lesson in unconditional love.

I know I don't have any controll over the S, with the exception of how I allow it to affect me and therefore my W's perception of me. It is unconditional in that despite her actions, I still love her, am concerned about her happiness and well being, and want the best for her. However, I remained convinced that all of those things are accomplished by staying married to me.

Because of that, and that I think it is what is best for the rest of our family and me, I will as I have, stand and fight.