Well, here's a update/explanation addition to the whole thing.
My W complains about a number of things very often: a fear of death. The absence of family. The loss of her self. A fear of failing to acheive her goals. (I'm leaving aside her marriage-related problems.) I don't know how much of this is like a "MLC" or whatever; it seems that the MLC/WAW frameworks are pretty damn similar.
So I don't know how much GAL will do with regard to THESE things. In fact, she notes my distance with almost preternatural skill - I can just THINK "detach" and she catches it. Then she begins to weave together something that seems like a guilt trip on me. I'M the only one she has. I'M the only one she can trust. I'M the one who has taken so much - now it's time for ME to give. And so on.
Taking care of myself, in other words, gets translated in her mind into me "abandoning our friendship."
Ok, so this is something that she COULD work out with a (good) therapist. But she is WONDERFUL at cancelling out on her appointments. She'll go to the podiatrist before she'll make an appointment and keep it.
Just yesterday: a made and deferred appointment with a psychologist - more than likely, she'll defer it forever.
Add that together with the fact that the OM is a bona fide mess (who will not take meds, but studiously assimilates all and any psychological theories as to better "explain" my W to herself), and you get a seriously screwed up situation.
Detaching is not easy when your W is dropping weight week by week. I'm waiting for the supressed menstruation - either she's gone over the line to seriously dangerous territory, or her OM has gotten his wish and finally sired some bastards to warm his waning years (which are scant years away.)
My W professes up down and sideways that she loves me and will love me forever, implying, of course, that I would (if I were a decent human being) stick to the same eternal model if I REALLY loved her too - and sticking to that model means accepting her decision to eat about 500 calories a day (until she "figures her heart out") and blessing her "love" for OM.
Whenever I deviate from #2, I get lumped into the "not unconditionally loving" basket, which means (to her) that my interest in getting some food in her MUST have something to do with my desire to keep her as my wife.
That's why "detaching" is such a issue for me, or at least it's one part of the reason-collection.
I know how you feel, but if you are committed to Dbing then You can't view it as being taken for granted, just that we are in a war to the end and we have to sacrafice to win. I am paying 80% of the bills at my house and living with my parents because I can't afford an apt. She doesn't make crap and lives in our house. I feel taken advantage, she is the one who thinks she has found a better mate. Well I feel the anger because all I want to do is punch something(i don't want to break my hand) But I pray to God that he can lead her down the path to reality and show her the way back to my heart. Good luck my friend, We are all praying for each other.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Wait a second, why are you living outside your own home?
Quote:
I feel taken advantage, she is the one who thinks she has found a better mate.
You feel taken advantage of because you are allowing her to do so. If it's the marital home, why are you allowing her to live there and you not? Why are you facilitating her activity? You should be at home and you should not allow yourself to do anything for her that you feel taken advantage of for. Respect yourself enough to say NO. Appeasing her is not going to get her back, and the resentment you are creating because you are giving with expectations that aren't being met is going to further poison the relationship.
If you don't respect yourself enough to say no when you don't want to do or agree to something, how can you expect your W to do so? You need to make clear for your sake and your W's where your boundaries are. You can't blame her for taking advantage of you when she takes something you gave her. Don't give unless you mean it.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I'm growing more and more sick of all this. How do you detach from your own anger at being taken for granted?
Focus on you, the train's starting to leave the station. I think if you feel taken for granted, it's true, but it's you that doing it. Decide what it will take for you to allow her to get on board with you, and then communicate it. If she doesn't choose to meet your criteria, start moving. Use the energy in your anger for good in your life.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I agree but the problem is that she would have no where else to live if I moved back in. I thought that if I left it would be easier on the sitch and would help solve our problem. Now i am angry because she told me last night she was interested in someone else, before that I didn't feel this way. Now I am Pissed off because of it. I always wanted to just move back in, but I felt it would cause her to file for the D. I don't want to push, but I feel like crap.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
If a plane is about to crash and make an emergency water landing there's a certain drill: put on you own oxygen mask first, then put on your kid's mask. You can't help your crazy, panicked child unless if you are suffocating yourself. Put your mask on first.
Putting on your mask = GAL.
If you don't detach/GAL, you'll be too emotionally panicked, oxygen-starved and fenzied to help her.
Divorce busting does not mean enabling an affair and self-destructive behavior.
You need to be there for her, only as much as you are emotionally, mentally and physically able to do so. Taking care of yourself will keep you strong so you can take care for her. You *are* there for her. Mepi. You just can't be there for her in a way that makes her worse. You don't hand a drink to an alcoholic. That's not being there for her.
Take care of yourself, or she'll suck you down in to the abyss. You don't have to show up every time she has a crisis. Go to the gym, have a guys night out. This is the advice people get when married to, or having relatvies that are addicted.
Loving her does not mean blessing her adultety. Loving her does not mean enabling her anorexic behavior. Love is grounded in truth.
My wife wants me to accept her as she is. Fine, but I will never accept her EA with another guy as a legitmate form of self-actualization. I love her, but she's wrong and destroying our family.
I hear you. The problem with my W is that she vacillates between relatively healthy behavior and pretty bad stuff.
For example, she is scheduled to see someone about her problems. After she's come back from her little tryst (about which I know nothing), she's been trying to eat.
But she's also admitted suicidal thoughts. She has not said anything positive about the marriage, but in fact once more went into how hurtful and destructive it was for her. She is friendly to me, but I can see an underlying hostility. This even though she tries to spend all her free time with me.
I've been reading over what makes up a MLC, and while some of it fits, other things do not really make sense.
What do you all think about this? Is is best to understand it as a MLC or as the WAW "syndrome".
I ask because in the one case (MLC) I back away more. In the other, it seems best to work at demonstrating understanding of her feelings (which ALSO requires trying to take advantage of any opportunity to do so).
Detachment, OK. But exactly how, and in what way with regard to how I interact with the W?
Hard to say. Detatching is often for your good. It helps you ride out the MLC.
With a WAW, the strategy will vary.
Experiment and monitor results. Does being less available for her, let's say for 1-2 weeks change things in a positive direction. Does drawing some boundaries make things better or worse?
Boundaries are also necessarry for you. You see, even Jesus had to get away from the crowds that demanded his attention to re-charge and get perspective. He was God, but his humanity, which we share, was not inexhaustible.
It also sounds that your wife needs to see a counselor for herself. Not couples therapy, but one-on-one. A grounded, pro-marriage counselor (who won't tell her to punt the marriage so she can self-actualize), who can help her with her depression, suidicial thoughts, eating disorders and possible bi-polar issues.
