I just got word that H will probably be served today.
Fearless suggested that I write a letter to H to make sure he understands where I stand. I've written letters on two other occasions and another in email format. I never heard a word from H about any of them, not even that he received or read them. Here is the email that I was thinking about sending...I want to make sure he gets my email before he goes home today, so I need to send it soon.
Comments would be helpful. Thanks.
I would expect divorce papers to be served any day now. Before that occurs, I want to make absolutely sure that you know where I stand. I don't want a divorce, although I am prepared to accept one. I wanted only to initiate a separation, but it seems that I cannot simultaneously do that and protect my rights with the kids. Harsh as it may be for the relationship between you and I, I have to protect my relationship with them first and foremost. So, divorce papers it is. But I hope that you will see it more as a separation because that is surely all I intend it to be at this point. This does not have to end in divorce...the future has yet to be written and I still have hope for us.
Despite the problems we've had, I still believe we could fix our marriage. It would require a conscious decision on both of our behalves, to do what it takes to rebuild our marriage. I wanted to believe that if I could do this better or that better or be this way or that way or prove something to you that I could fix things between us...I wanted desperately for us to make this work. But I can't fix it because I can't make your decision for you. I know we both have needs and wants that aren't being met right now. However if you decide that you don't want to make any changes, that's your decision and I will respect it, hence the separation. I'm not in a hurry to end things between us, however, I cannot stay in this marriage as it is forever. Any time you decide that you want to work on the marriage with me, I would welcome attending counseling and working toward a healthy marriage for both of us. Our kids deserve it.
I still love you. Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'm going to write my changes in blue. I tried not to change any of your meaning because I think it's important that you write EXACTLY what you feel and think. I think this type of letter is most importantly for you so you know that you have given him a clear direction that reconciliation is possible IF he wants it. I changed some wording to be present and future tense and to keep a consistent message that you don't want a divorce and that things can change if he wants. If he will be rereading it, I think that might help to keep a clear message. The woulds and coulds might read to him like things are over.
Good Luck
I would expect divorce papers to be served any day now. Before that occurs, I want to make absolutely sure that you know where I stand. I don't want a divorce. Although I am prepared to accept one if we cannot work this out. I wanted only to initiate a separation, but it seems that I cannot simultaneously do that and protect my rights with the kids. Harsh as it may be for the relationship between you and I, I will protect my relationship with them first and foremost. So, divorce papers it is. But I hope that you will see it more as a separation because that is surely all I intend it to be at this point. This does not have to end in divorce...the future has yet to be written and I still have hope for us.
Despite the problems we've had, I still believe we can fix our marriage. It will require a conscious decision on both of our behalves, to do what it takes to rebuild our marriage. I wanted to believe that if I could do this better or that better or be this way or that way or prove something to you that I could fix things between us by myself...I wanted desperately for us to make this work. But I can't fix it by myself because I can't make your decision for you. I know we both have needs and wants that aren't being met right now. However if you decide that you don't want to make any changes, that's your decision and I will respect it, hence the separation. I'm not in a hurry to end things between us, however, I cannot stay in this marriage as it is forever. Any time you decide that you want to work on the marriage with me, I will welcome attending counseling and working toward a healthy marriage for both of us. Our kids deserve it.
I still love you. Heather
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Great letter Heather. I hope things work out for you. It's up to your H now to step up to the plate. You have been nothing but honest with him. You should be very proud of yourself. LFL
Big Hugs to you Heather. I really hope he gets his head on straight. I know that horrible feeling of wondering how the kids are going to handle all of this, and it is overwhelming at times. In your case, I truly believe you are doing the right thing. The kids were already in a very unhealthy environment watching their F treat their M so poorly. Ideally, you will be able to save the M but only if he changes his own behaviors and takes responsibility for his share of the problems. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
