I understand what you are say – that stating your desires in terms of “we” is not showing true vulnerability and implicitly putting responsibility on the other person. But how do you put responsibility on someone else? Part of what you are hearing may have more to do with you than with the other person hiding, YKWIM?
In my mind, the objective is for a couple to become united as one. This would be the ideal if it weren’t for all the codependence crap that always comes up. But if the two people can be sufficiently secure, then stating desires in terms of “we” is not hiding at all. IMO, it shows consideration for the other, that you are trying to find that balance between the two of you.
You seem to have a hang up over other people being honest with their desires, that if they do anything less, it feels like you are taking on too much responsibility for their emotion. My wife has made this same type of remark. To me, it is nothing more than a sign of insecurity on her part. It is a test to see how I feel, for me to put myself out there first before she will do the same. It is a deflection and an avoidance. How I feel, what I want, what I like, should have no bearing on her stating what she wants. Her reaction is fear-based, pure and simple.
By Dieda’s philosophy, I should not concern myself with whether my wife feels sufficiently secure in the particular words I choose. Once I start down that road, there are no words to completely satisfy her because she will continually test each one. She can worry about searching my words for whatever hidden meaning she wants, but I will state them as I like and as I feel, as long as I am consistent in MY pattern, whatever that may be. It is up to her to learn to read MY language.
Perhaps some of your frustration with your boyfriend is in wanting him to speak your language. Maybe he is frustrated that he does not want to speak your language, or his mother’s language, or anyone else’s language. He wants to speak (or act) as he wants, and it is up to you to read that as you will. If he is consistent in showing you his devotion through his actions, not his words, then you need to decide whether you can live with that, or go find another man. But trying to change him to meet your model of what you think he should be does not seem to be getting you anywhere, does it? So is the problem really whether someone says “we?”
