Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

I apologized and said I would try to be more mindful of those kind of situations in the future.

Whatis,

I don't mean to be oppositional here, but what exactly were you apologizing for and why? It seems to me you're acknowledging that you did a poor job managing her emotions and you plan to do a better job of it in the future. So not only do you feel you let her down because she ended up embarrassed for something you judge to be insignificant or irrational, but then you feel responsible for those bad feelings, or at the very least repairing them, so you apologize.

This is something that I am guilty of doing too, so please don't take it as an attack. I am legitimately sorry that she's feeling bad, especially because of something I've done. This is often why I apologize, and through this sitch I have become far more aware of this. I started telling my W that I'm sorry she feels however she does, because it really is what I'm sorry for. I don't believe I did anything wrong - it's just that her emotive response to the situation I participated in was negative. I didn't cause her negative reaction, I was only part of a situation that she responded to. She and she alone has the power to change the dynamic of a situation so she doesn't feel horribly negatively about it. She has responded to this with frustration - extreme at times. She wants me to apologize for causing her feelings, for the actions that created them. I refuse to apologize for something I'm not sorry for. It's dishonest to do so.

So recently I have decided to acknowledge her feelings, whatever they are, and not apologize for anything. There's no real need to, and I think my apology seems insincere (because I'm not telling her that I won't do it again) and is often used to support her belief that I think there's something wrong with her because she feels what she does. What I'm trying to do with this is to avoid living in a blame dynamic. Trying to avoid or manage blame keeps it alive as much as blaming does. So I take it out of that realm. I will not deflect it, nor will I acknowledge it. What I will do is acknlowledge how she feels, even how she believes she got to feeling the way she did. It isn't about me, and to take it personally will do nothing but create more conflict in the situation because I'm trying to defend myself. I have read the 4 agreements and thought it was a good book (the first 3/4ths of it at least), and I think this is essentially what he's getting at.