H in QLC?

[MonicaP]

This is a new thread for me and the first since the new layout. I have no idea where to find my old thread,I'll search later.

It's been a couple of months since I've written. I'm still in limbo. But I'm switching from Infidelity forum to MLC with hopes of getting more info on the Quarter Life Crisis (QLC).

My H is 10 years younger than me, in his late 20's. We were married when he was 22. He was described - then - as a "wise beyond his years" or "very mature for his age" type of guy. He is from another country/culture and was raised in a fairly stable home (not that that guarantees anything!). He was always pretty straight-laced, never got into any trouble, he's smart, had a small core group of friends (although he was teased in middle school and part of high school for being quiet and never fought back), grew out of geeky years into a really great looking guy, but shy, didn't drink excessively, no drugs, had interests, into music, poetry, reading, some sports. He was/is very close to his mom and has had a sort of strained relationship with his dad. Although he seems to put both parents on a pedestal and won't ever speak ill of them, he clearly has problems relating to his dad. His dad was a strict, perfectionist and my guess is that H never could live up FIL's standards. H is more like MIL, sensitive and creative.

All that said, H's bomb (10/05) hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew we were having some problems communicating and resolving matters, but I never expected him to find Ow and tell me that he wasn't happy with me! It came out of nowhere IMO. I had always believed that we would always be able to talk things through, that we loved each other and honored our commitment. Not so for him I guess!

Everyone who knows him/us were shocked too. We still are 1.5 yrs later. But he's gone from being this kind, warm-hearted, gentle person into this dark, angy, depressed, selfish bastard. The only time I recognize him is at times when I see him playing with our S4. Even then he's not "himself" but it's the closest he gets.

He claims he's only depressed around me because he thinks I'm judging him. He's "happier" w/ Ow and happy around S4 when I'm not there.

Interestingly, the other night we had a 20 min R convo which was the 1st in months. He told me all that stuff about being happier w/ Ow because he can "be himself" and then turned around, sort of choking up, and said "I wish you wanted to get to know me". So bizarre. He continues to blame me for the failure of our M and for his unhappiness. He says he just couldn't be himself with me.

Funny! I thought he was being himself all along. We seemed to really love each other. I say "seemed" because now it all feels like a big lie. It's like he was always trying to live up to someone else's standard of who he should be - his dad's standard and then what he assumed was my standard. All I wanted was honesty and authenticity. Instead I got secrets and lies at the end.

1.5 yrs later and we are still separated but no one has filed anything (except my bankruptcy!). H is w/ Ow and claims they will get married someday and has been including her on visits w/ S4 for months now - against my will. I told him I don't approve of his decision to do that but that my #1 priority is my S4 and it's important that he doesn't feel put in the middle. So, I refer to Ow by name with S4 and avoid any negative remarks about her.

I still love my H and miss our M, but he is not the same person I married. I can barely stand talking to him now. He's selfish, self-centered, unreasonable, angry and belligerent. He's playing the victim. He's having a great time living out his adolescence now - hanging out with the Goth scene and denying his responsibilities. He's not giving me enough child support. He's down to 1.5 days w/ S4 per week. When I ask about money he just replies "I'll give you what I can give you".

My bankruptcy should be discharged by the end of March. Once that is done I will start with filing for legal separation with the option of divorce after the 6 months. I don't know how I'll survive it, but I will.

One thing I've learned from this is that I am a survivor. I never wanted to be a single mom and now that I am I think I'm actually a better mom. I was always too worried about how my S would react to things and now I know he's a survivor too. Not only that, he's a happy boy with the ability to express when he's sad. I have no idea how I will ever be able to trust a man again, because if there were ever a man to trust it was my H (and we know how that turned out), but I am determined not to let what he did destroy my ability to love and be loved. It's a slow-moving process, but I'm a whole lot farther along than I was a year ago!

I have to admit, there's this small little mustard seed of hope that somehow God will perform a miracle and bring the man I married back to me - willing to try anything to save our M and right his wrongs - but that would take a miracle!!! It just doesn't seem likely at all and so I have to live life the way things ARE, not the way that I'd like them to be.

I pray for my H. I pray for our S4. I pray for myself - to keep showing up for life and for the grace and strength to get through the pain of the loss. It's the biggest loss I've ever had, certainly the most painful, and the grieving process is completely foreign to me. How do I let go?

Well, I've gone on way too long. But like I said, it's been a while. I had a lot of catching up to do.

I would love to hear some feedback - about the QLC - or about how you might relate.

Thanks for listening!