I'm new here and need help

[25yearsmlc]

OMG Hannasmom,

My H left 19 months ago and his pending 50th was a stupidly HUGE factor....(no judgement there on my part....). We are now in piecing together, which means we are on the road to reconciliation. BaseballAnnie and WAS2Sad, BrandNewDay, Holly06, and so many others helped me stay the course to GAL, move on with detachment, losing the anger (in front of H that is) and I KNOW we'd be divorced if I had not come here or read those books.

There is hope but you are early on in the journey. Once H turned 50,btw, it seemed better. I also worked a LOT on improving myself but not to please him and I mean that. YOU must GAL for YOU and even though you are being healthy for you and your D16, it often gets the notice of the WAS. But it cannot be why you are GAL b/c that defeats the whole purpose and premise of truly GAL. Make sense?

When in doubt, come here. If you cannot, then take the high road and stay dignified and never lose your temper, plead, cry pursue, etc. IF it hasn't helped in the past. you know, the 180's?

You Are in the right place for now and praise God your pro-M counselor sent him to someone and your H is going!! Yeah for that.

Here's some DB advice I got that helped, but was at times super hard. As in, "Mother Teresa" hard....

1) Lose the anger. Negative reinforcement does NOT work, so lose it. Period. that means working on forgiveness (for your sake, so you don't get consumed by the anger/hurt), and detaching, which will take a bit of time. So, lose the anger, at least in front of your H.

2) Listen like a lover/friend. Lose the parenting tone ("How could you do this to us?" Why are you so selfish?" etc). Thing is, when you use that parenting scolding tone, that disapproving voice, you shut out their own inner voice. By attacking their choices/behavior, you force them to defend them, instead of examining them.

3) GAL (get a life). Stay calm and start doing what you would be doing if you weren't spending all your time thinking about your H. FORCE YOURSELF TO DO THIS and you will make progress faster. Much faster. When talking with H, be upbeat. Do NOT bring up the M. Stay on neutral topics. IF Div talk comes and spirals, act AS IF you get it, you are not in denial, and you ARE moving on and accepting, with a sense of "Oh well" resignation that H is making the biggest (sigh) mistake of his life, but you will be fine thank you. In fact, you are starting to look forward to your upcoming new life, no critical harping H around to hinder YOUR journey, etc. Indeed, you kind of wish it'd be done with by now....but DO NOTHING to further the Div for now. (Check out the DB coaching too, it costs less to buy 3 sessions with them than 3 sessions with therapists-where I live. DB coaches are very specific in their advice.

4) Model for your daughter, what it is to be hurt/in pain, AND how it does end, and it is NOT fatal and you will recover....she is getting a huge life lesson right now. Teach her what dignified women of character do when life hands them a blow to the heart and a huge setback with unwanted upheaval. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move.... If you surrender to the darkness this grief can cause, your daughter will in effect be losing both parents.

That's it for now. This hurts and it doesn't go away very quickly. Time lines seem to vary from a few months to a few years of insanity/alien spewing of negative feedback. Expect some Major marital history revisions, (he has ALWAYS BEEN MISERABLE, he was NEVER happy, or hasn't been for years, and the problems/dissatisfactions in his life are YOUR fault...welcome to our world). Your H sounds so much like a MLCer so I think there is a lot of hope in your sitch, if you don't haul off and smack him. At least from what you've posted.

"BELIEVE NOTHING HE (MLCS) SAYS AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT HE DOES." this advice turned out to be great. I had to filter so much poop from H's mouth, and it was NOT easy.

Focus on your D and what you can control and your H ain't controllable....give him some major space....he has to make a journey you don't understand and only he can find these answers within, these are HIS discoveries to make. You can't fix him. Good luck,
j-