Piecing Advice

[SDFoundGirl]

Okay, all is well, nothing has changed, but tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am DREADING it. I don't want to celebrate it or even acknowledge it with H. I want to pretend it's just another day and forget about it.

I just can't figure out why. It started small until tonight when this wave of absolute I DON'T WANT TO! hit me.

In some ways I feel like I'd be faking it, because as much as I love H, I'm not over this past summer. In MC whenever I bring up these kinds of feelings (things related to the snatch (LW), how I feel about what happened, etc.), H always seems completely bewildered and says things like, "I don't even know where this is coming from." He's genuinely mystified, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to scream at him and say how ISN'T this still with you? WHY are you so mystified that I'm feeling this way?

I guess...maybe it's that all of his feelings and issues were addressed, that we focused for so long...that I focused so long...on so that by the time he really felt better and was healed, I was just getting started.

And I don't know what I'd even say to him, because it's nothing he's doing now, nothing specific. It's just as simple--and complicated--as I'm still hurting from this summer. It's like now I have the luxury of feeling a lot of the pain I had to set aside in order to take care of business in my life.

And really, H can't do anything to change these feelings of mine; I have to change them myself. I have to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go.

Maybe that's the key, to finally feel them so I *can* let them go. I felt so much better last week after I finally let all of my feelings out about LW; I have to say that aside from my nicknames for her, I feel a lot different about her now. Not that I want her to be my new shopping buddy or anything, but she's insignificant.

I guess maybe I really am angry with H, and this is what I'm processing. I've opened some unholy floodgate of stored up feelings, and there's no closing that gate until they're all out and dealt with. Friggin' feelings!

I have changed though; in the past I would have acted on my feelings in little ways towards H, and I would have relied on him to make me feel better. Now I know I am responsible for my own choices and actions.

Sorry for this long, rambling piece, but I was all of a sudden feeling like I was going to start crying and never stop, one of those good old cries where you cry until you have no more tears left and you just sort of lay there and hiccup. I think I might need to schedule me one of those for a time H isn't around. Feel it and let it all go.

Okay, think I'll go to bed now.

SD