I haven’t posted in a while. I thought maybe things were looking up! I thought maybe small steps were being made… and maybe they are… or maybe I just have my hopes WAY up and I will just be let down.
My story in as few words as I can come up with. Engaged Oct of 2001. H lost his job in Dec of 2001 AFTER we bought a house. H declared bankruptcy in Feb of 2002. Married July of 2002. Aug of 2002 H gets a job. Normal 1st year of marriage had our good times.. had our bad times. May of 2003 my grandmother dies, 1st death of someone close to me since I was four. Sept of 2003 my grandfather dies who I was VERY close to. Dec 2003 his grandmother dies, May 2004 my uncles dies. Very rough 2nd and 3rd year of marriage. Lots of arguing. I was depressed and not dealing well with my personal losses I felt like a failure in my marriage b/c my H was telling me all the time how I wasn’t putting him 1st how I was being selfish etc. March 2005 H left. He filed for divorce 30 days later. Late May early June of 2005 we started working on us getting back together. July we started couples MC. July 2005 he “dropped” the divorce. Me moved home in Sept of 2005. Things were good and getting better. We had issues to work on but I thought things had a promise to them and that we had a plan going forward. Then Jan of 2006 we had 2 big arguments and 4 days into the new year he moved out and on the Jan 17, 2006 filed for divorce again. No contact from Jan to March. Speaking terms from March on. D final in June of 2006. We have been talking, spending time together and maintaining a physical relationship since April of 2006. He has gone on dates but there has been no one woman, other than his best friends mother, who is says is like his mom, she cooks dinner for him almost every night. He spends 2-3 hours at her house every night. Spends Friday and Saturday nights at her house and hanging out with her (she is 56 he is going to be 28).
It isn’t a pretty story but it is mine. I accept the things I did wrong in our marriage and I accept that there are things I need to do to change for the better. I am doing the best I can to change those things. I am trying to change the way I deal with stresses in my life. I am trying to realize that I don’t need to try to be perfect. That I need to set my standards and live up to those not those of society or others. I am doing the best I can to grow as a person…. That being said I also feel so stuck and alone.
I had dinner/ or I made dinner for XH tonight. One of the 1st things he asked when I walked in was, "Why are you wanting to make me dinner." I simply told him, I wanted to try a new dish and he was willing to eat it. He then told me that he just wanted to make sure that this wasn't attempt to win him back. Because we are over and we are never getting back together. I said okay I know. (While I say that, we all know that IS NOT what I want, but we can't say that to our Xs can we!) Then there was some more emphatic, we aren't getting back together etc... etc. spew. Then someone there was a point when he asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I asked him if maybe he could explain why he left. That I was still confused why he left.
He said that is was because we can not live together. We have tried and failed twice. I said I didn't agree with that. And then he said he didn't want to talk about it b/c we would end up arguing. I said not disagreeing is not arguing it is disagreeing. I then ask what did he mean we coudl not live together. He really could not put his finger on it, he said he was better at specifics. So I asked him did he think I was having a affair with a male friend of mine. He said yes and no. He said that is part my fault and part his. He doesn't trust anyone, and do "i know why he doesn't trust anyone? Becauese everyone he ever cared about in his life has hurt him and left him." I then jumped up and down and said, except me! He said I never physcially left him but he feels I emotionally left him. (Which I understand to some extent why he felt that way, I am not saying he is right, but I can see where me might feel that.) He says in the line of people who have hurt him I have def. hurt him the least. I told him getting hurt is part of loving. That everyone gets hurt. No one means to hurt someone but it happens, but that doesn't mean they can't be together. He said that he can push people away who have hurt him, he isn't saying it is right or healthy but it is what he does.
My heart is breaking again.... I feel bad that he feels I emotionally left him. As I said I can see it, but part of it was to save me. Things weren't healthy and I needed to close off to save my soul. I need to make me healthy before I lost all of me. I started to move that direction and I thought things were getting better when he left. And the hardest part of it all is that he has NEVER seen a "normal" realtionship. He think relationships are where everyone agrees most of the time, there is no heartache, there is do sad/bad times, that people don't have philisophical things that they need to work out throughout the marriage.
Part of me feels like I let him down. He took the chance on me and I could not come through... but on the other hand I know I did all that I could. I can't lose myself in the process. But I just fear that he won't be willing to take that leap again with me. That he is too afraid of what everyone will say about him and about us. I feel like he is always pushing me away to see if I will really leave him. Because the min. I do he will point and say, "See I told you, you never really loved me. You walked away from me."
This is all very ironic too, because he has hurt me time and time again. I told him that he has hurt me time and time again, and that I had enough faith and love for him that I never left him. I just got back up and waited. That if I lived my life the way he did the 1st two times he hurt me when we were dating I would have left him and never given him another chance. He said yes that is true. I said, I didn't and that has to say something about how much I loved/cared for you.
I don't know. Part of me sees him softening and easing up... but part of me thinks... what am I doing. I have so much to offer someone, why should I spend another year here, "hoping" he changes his mind. (I have decided that after the 2007-2008 school year I will move back to my hometown. I need the support of my family, I have done enough of this on my own. I need to be surrounded by people who love me and people who will do things with me. My support network here is pretty much zero.)
I don't know.... I am really sorry this is soooo long. I guess I just really need some encouragement. I need to know that following my heart and listening to what it is telling me is the right thing to do. I mean this time last year anytime I contacted him he threatened a restraining order... so.. I guess there has been some progress.
