Like I said I haven't read his sitch and know nothing about HD's wife. Since there are a bunch of posts today, I wanted to see if you were directing any of your comments to me because I think we actually agree very much. And I don't think I've mentioned in any of my posts that I'm resistant to anything he's done or is doing. I'm trying to understand his issues a bit more.
I definitely don't think that having a conversation with his wife will help any of this (I've repeated this so much I'm sure everyone is sick of it). Funny that his wife is an attorney since my xH was an attorney also. And that is a frustrating talent of an attorney; that they can argue and win arguments, which is another reason why talking won't work. They are so good at putting you on the defensive and making you prove yourself that it's very easy to get trapped because hey, we don't do this for a living! I went into an argument/discussion assuming we were on a level playing field where the relationship and each other's feelings were most important. Not whether I word smithed every sentence to lead to a rock solid defense of my "side". Even in the Good Old Days of our marriage I would say seriously that I wanted to go to law school just so I could learn to win an argument with him. But I digress...
Quote:
Picking something simple like sex once a week and sticking to that "want" is like shining a laser beam through the fog. It wouldn't have to be sex; he might be saying he wants them to have dinner together once a week... the content of the "want" itself is not that important (except that it has to be something he really does want and of course, that sex is a hot issue for Mrs. hd who has nothing but contempt for people's sexual urges-- women's as well as men's). He does not have to justify this want.
This quote is EXACTLY my question. Does this really describe what HD wants? Then I would see his want to have sex 1x per week as a way of seeing that his wants and feelings are cared for or accepted by his wife. Again, just supposing this is true (and by no means would I assume that) wouldn't it do HD some good to think about this need to be cared for and accepted? (Hey FWIW this happens to be my actual need in a relationship)
And to be clear if this is true for HD, I wouldn't share it with Ms HD any time soon. Also I'm not talking about justifying it. That's why I wouldn't talk to Ms HD about it because that's what an attorney does - they want justification. I'm talking about taking that knowledge and really working with it to understand yourself better. These are the kinds of questions that I would ponder.
Does Ms HD do ANYTHING that could be perceived as her way of trying to care for HD?
What if he could accept short term that she is incapable of meeting his need for caring and acceptance because maybe she doesn't feel that for herself?
What if he looked for something to ask from her that could give him some feeling of being cared for or accepted that wasn't a hot button issue for her?
What if he looked at himself and really considered whether he feels caring and acceptance toward himself?
I've tried to read some past HD posts and I thought I saw one about HD enjoying his daughter's gymnastics because he had time for himself and the other about not getting a massage because it was too emotional. Both instances say to me that this is a person that needs to care for himself. Again my own personal experience is similar.
Also he could investigate "all" he does for her. Are his actions really all for her or is it a way for him to feel like he is doing all the work so she is the one that "owes" him?
These are thoughts on this general subject and in no way am I implying that they are true for HD. Please notice that in no way are any of these questions about justifying his want. They are only about understanding the want better for HD not for his wife.
Again by no means do I think that any of these things I mention are the "answer". Just trying to look at things from an angle where HD does have total control. Within himself.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
