Me-38 WAH-40 3 kids- 8,8,9 Separated since Fall 2004 Me-MLC 2004-2005 H MLC- 2005-Present
Journaling I guess …
Not really sure why I am writing so this may seem like a mumbling diatribe. Please bear with me. First of all, let me say THANKS to each of you for posting your stories, your feelings, your experiences and most of all for sharing this walk and offering a seat on the curb for me. It have been here for a while and have not posted too much for a variety of reasons. One of those being that I have been in denial about all of this, the pain, the rejection, the fear of my future, all of it for so long. I also stupidly thought that I could control the outcome. I have come to see through all of you that I do not have any control over any part of this other than myself. I guess, now I am trying to figure out what to do with MYSELF.
I think that I found this site and the books a bit late, almost a year and one half after all of this went down so I may not have capitalized on the feelings that we still had for eachother and probably did more damage to the relationship. We still maintained daily contact, phone calls, TM, emails, dinners and putting the kids to sleep. Sometimes even watching TV and dating. As of today, none of this happens anymore.
I believe that he is now in PA as him mother reports that he does not sleep at home several nights a week. I have done all that I can, prayed, cried and then prayed and cried more. I have H given space, I have been in his face, I have been cold, I have been independent, I have been needy, I tried ignoring him , I have tried pleading … you know the drill.
Nothing has changed other than H is colder than ever to me. I miss him. Let me correct myself, I miss the man that I married. I do not miss the alien that has taken over H’s body. I feel discouraged today. I feel worried today. Worried that my kids will grow up only knowing the alien. Afraid that I will continue to be hurt and never outgrow the feelings that I have today. Afraid that even though we are 2 years down the pike, this is still as fresh and raw as the first days. Afraid that I will sleep alone for the rest of my life. Afraid that OW is actually better than me. Afraid that I will never see his easy smile or feel his hands on my belly at night again. Just afraid. I have admitted it. I am just afraid. I am lonely. My friends have been great but there is nothing more heartbreaking than sitting alone in the dark with the glow of the TV and nothing to look forward to other than just getting by.
