Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[believing_isaiah43]

Well, honey, you just stop. And I can't claim sainthood here, b/c I've still peeked in his email account on occasion. You KNOW it does no good, and there is no reward from it. But if you're like me, you are scared out of your mind subconsciously that you are going to get "blindsided" again.

And I feel like Scarlett O'Hara on the hill with that turnip saying "As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!" Except I'm holding an email password saying "I will never be blindsided again!"

But it's just a fantasy. I could still be blindsided at any time, tomorrow, next week, even 40 minutes from now ... and it's SO difficult to think that way about the one person on earth I just never ever EVER doubted in that way, prior to now.

It's like a vase that's broken. You can glue it up again, but it will always "have been broken" - no more do we have the luxury of an R that is untainted, unbroken. Sure it can be repaired, but not to the point of Never Broken. You know?

I think this is just us working out the kinks in our thinking, this snooping thing.

Now then. I realize I am blessed beyond measure that the OW is out of the picture. Completely. Not just Sort Of. I would get my fcuking redneck ON, if she were still contacting him, & he was denying it. If I had to deal with that, I may be institutionalized from insanity (or jailed for murder) by now.

You know, soreheart, I was 'poor me'-ing myself with the other posters whose S's are still saying ILY and still ML and all the trappings I so desire. But you have reminded me of the blessing I do have that H stopped the A abruptly and on his own (not that I wasn't being a bi-otch about it on occasion because, again, no one will be nominating me for sainthood in this lifetime). He gives most of the credit to God for doing the right thing, b/c 'he never could have done it in his own strength' (which is a double-edged sword to hear, as you might imagine).

My now-suspicious-of-him heart wonders if he misses her deep down (when he has said over and over that he doesn't and knowing her ruined his life, etc), and since he has no passion for me, where did he put it? Is it buried for someone else? kind of thinking. NONproductive thinking.

I'm off on a tangent here, sorry. I have no idea if you've gleaned jack from my rambling. On one hand, just STOP the snooping, you can't control his behavior, only yours, blah blah. On the other hand, if it were me, I know I couldn't bite my tongue about that sh!t and would probably make a mess of things by confronting him. I hope other wise people give you better advice, b/c it's only by God's grace alone that my emotional outbursts haven't completely wrecked this M. They almost have, actually. The outcome remains to be seen, here, but we would be further along, I believe, if I hadn't been such a psycho on one occasion too many.