Okay, so you guys were right

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If I say one word that's not about me on this forum

disgust. No.
frustration, yes, a bit.

We forgot how much we analysed every little aspect of our lives and how it pertained to our spouse. IF I do this will she notice? Will she take me back?

It took us awhile to realize that question we needed to really be asking is, "Will I take them back?"

The absolute best thing for you is to devote yourself to things that give your mind a break from thinking about her...all the time.

I know what you say happens in the real world, how you have it together, but here it seems to be a different story.

I do not know what she is thinking, hell man I do not want to, would mean that I was in MLC if I understood how their mind worked, and no thanks to that special gift.

As for Seperated, they are saying much the same things that we say.

It takes time to dettach...to REALLY dettach, some people it takes longer. Some grab it quick.

[fig]

Jazz..I don't think anyone is coming down on you for mentioning your spouse...if you read around you will see that they are mentioned everywhere.

As for the severity of the situation...they are all severe and life changing. Our paths are not determined by the destination but the roads we travel to get there.

I just wanted you to focus on how you can make your life better. There is nothing you can do for her but better yourself...GALing and having a PMA are what we can do. They are reacting to EVERYTHING out there and you are letting her reactions determine your actions. Be proactive with your life instead of reactive to her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Jazz,

You can be there when she wants you to be there.

If you are there when you want to be there but not when she wants you to be, guess what you are either adding alot of time before she 'wakes up' or you are making sure she doesn't.

Got it?

Sorry, and stop telling me about why you have to do something when we all tell you it won't work. I do not care for excuses or justifications, I have had enough of them in the last year and a half.
: )

[Smurf_SMR]

It sounds like you want to be in the band - then do it. Tough if she does not like it, tough if she is upset that you might run into each other.

You have to do things for you, and not think if I do or do not do this will she come back. What if she never comes back - then an oportunity missed.

Friendships forged in MLC do not last long anyway, she will move on, to other friends.

[Smurf_SMR]

If you have read my thread, you will notice a trend in these friendships, firstly my wife tried to be buddies with her daughter and niece, 14 and 17 respectivley - They wanted a mother and Auntie, not more friends. She then moved on to the 20 somethings, then the 30 somethings, at least now her friends (more associates) are her own age.

She, like my wife are trying to grow up again.

[RedUmbrella]

Jazz,

Most WAS's that are going through MLC are trying to "relive" their childhood. They are trying to recapture a part of their lives that they feel they've somehow missed out on. Which explains the reasoning behind the new and younger friends.

It's heartbreaking seeing them flounder and flail about through this time. I understand when you say that you used to be your W's best friend. I am my H's best friend. So, when he got lost in the tunnel I was hurt tremendously when I was no longer his best friend.

You say that she's completely shut you out. It's because you DO know everything there is to know about her. That scares her. She doesn't want you to know her inside and out. That was the case with my H. He was scared out of his wits because I knew him better than he did. He didn't want that, he hated the fact that I knew him better than anyone else.

You are right, it's her tough luck that the friends that she wants are friends of yours. You have a right to be friends with whomever you choose. If she can't deal with that.....too bad.

This is your life you are living. She chose to walk away, and leave it behind. I've read through some of your threads, and hear you struggling with detaching. And struggling with the idea that you need to work on you.

I was told this:

You need to work on you, for you. If you are changing (180's) for her, don't bother. They won't stick otherwise.

Become the person that she fell in love with. Independant, strong, charming.

Let her go. I always thought if it like this.....I have a SS11 who likes pushing the line. I've learned through my H's MLC, that I need to let go. My SS11 needs to make his own mistakes. He needs to fall down over and over again, with me watching. He'll reach his hand out when he needs it, and then is when I will help. I'll give him words of encouragement if he needs it, but otherwise he needs to figure things out for himself. And over the past 9 1/2 years that we've had custody of him...he's figured out that Mom (me) is not trying to hurt him, but to help him. Help him stand on his own two feet.

Jazz,

I feel for you. As do many people here. We know what you are going through and have experienced it all at one point or another. Keep your head up. It gets easier as time goes by. Don't go so fast. You don't need to rush. Take it minute by minute, then hour by hour. Soon it'll be weeks and months, and one day you'll look in the mirror and see someone you haven't seen in awhile.

Feel free to post to me. I'll do my best to help.

Take care of YOU!

PS

[mermaid]

Jazz

What you do is take the focus off of her and concentrate on you. Stop trying to get her to notice. You have to make changes for you. YOu have to live your life the way you want to live regardless if your w returns. This could take years do not waste that time waiting for your w. Keep moving forward.

[Bworl]

Jazz,

While my sitch is different in that we are now divorced, my story is similar to yours in that my wife initiates zero contact with me.

I will not be caught up in a pursuer/distancer relationship with her, so I do not initiate contact with her either, unless it is financial or child related.

What I do instead is try to make sure that every interaction we do have, for whatever reason, is pleasant and friendly. I do my best to show how comfortable I am with myself and where I am in my life right now. And I try to create an environment where SHE can feel comfortable. My goal is to make our home a place where she feels safe, a place that she will want to be at again.

The truth is that right now that goal is designed just to improve the chances that she will spend more time with our S14, because I am pretty sure that our relationship is over for good. But she is still S14's mother, and I know that deep down inside of her she loves him tremendously, though she does a much poorer job of showing that than she ever did when we were together. This is simply a byproduct of her MLC journey and her intense focus on HERSELF. I hope that if she begins to realize that she is safe here, that I won't attack her or question her on relationship matters (hers or mine) that she will know she can be here and enjoy S14. He does NOT want to spend time in her little apartment that she shares with her female friend, so I need to do what I can to get her to come here and be with him.

My question to you is why would you want to pursue a woman who has not expressed a desire to pursue you? I refuse to put myself in the role of a desperate man. You love her - I get that. But think of the big picture and what it looks like if it is always you, you, you pursuing and her sometimes enjoying a little of it and other times turning her nose up at it. In the end it made me feel a bit pathetic, and I am not into that scene.

Until she gets to the point where she WANTS to seek you out, I would live my life, keeping the door open and maximizing the opportunities that you do have to be together by making them safe and peaceful times. Talking about "us" is not safe for the MLC'er. They do NOT enjoy that and will try to stay away from situations where they feel that is likely to occur.

Hope this at least gives you a different perspective.

Blessings,

Bill

[MidwesternGirl]

"Every time since then, she's treated me like a child molester or something."

I think that she distances herself from you because she does not know how to love you due to what she has gone thru in her life.

A relative of mine finally faced her demons (is that how you say it?) due to molestation at a very young age. She needed help and sought it but it took her a long time.

I think people in a situation like that really are afraid and it is not because of you personally, it is because of what they have been thru and they are very afraid.

Healing takes a long time.

[Bworl]

I don't think I'll ever understand all this but I'm making progress towards accepting that it's over and moving on.

I'm not a big fan of the fatalistic approach to DB'ing, so if that's how you mean this, I think it's a counter productive approach.

However if you mean this in the sense that you are accepting that SHE believes that you are finished and that THAT means you must continue to live your life on your own, I think that's a pretty cool place for you to be.

Many times it is when we truly let go of things that they finally have the ability to find their way back to us.

A particularly hokey and contrived analogy that just popped to my mind.

Suppose you took your beloved dog out for a walk on a VERY long leash. And for some reason the dog bolted off away from you, and since his leash was very long, you lost track of where he was and desperately wanted to get him back. Well your beloved dog ran off, got that extremely long leash tangled in all kinds of crap and even though he wants desperately to get back to you too, he can't untangle it. So what do you do?

You let go of the leash.

That frees your beloved dog to come running back to you.

He never makes it back as long as you are clutching to his leash.


.....ok, sorry, told you it was lame and contrived....

Blessings,

Bill