Still alive, Part II

[fearless]

W: I wish you could figure out why this is so important to you. I wish you could figure out why you think this is going to make you happy.

I think she is asking you to open up to her more there. Did you tell her an honest answer?
Only you know what that totally honest answer is, but maybe something along the lines of: I'm growing to resent you and think of you as a real B*itch. I'm having bad thoughts about having an affiar, or leaving or.....etc.
You get the idea.
NOT some lame answer like I want emotional closeness, sexual closeness, blah, blah.

Okay HD I am very hesitant to post because I know almost nothing about your sitch and I know I can get myself in trouble pretty quickly. (And yet that doesn't stop me :))

Please bear with what might be a stupid question but what is the true answer to both of your wife's questions? In my opinion the answer that "I'm growing to resent you" isn't any more truthful that "the emotional closeness" answer. Both are probably true as symptoms but neither are the "root cause" of why having sex x number of times per week/month/whatever is important to you. Would it be the fact that she has listened to you and taken your feelings and wants into account (so you could be "in charge")? WOuld it just be the physical need ? Do you think that she would change if she made love to you regularly (wanting her to be something different)? Would you change if you had sex regularly (you want to be different)? YOu would feel attractive and desirable to her? Or maybe something completely different. I just think it would be useful for you to understand what you're looking for.

And listen to her second question even more closely, she asks why you think making love will make you happy? To me this is interesting because it could mean a few things (in addition to just being a usual avoidance technique) maybe she sees you as putting too much importance on her and not taking care of yourself sufficiently OR maybe she fears having you thinking that making love to her will make you happy; MAYBE she doesn't feel worthy of that kind of feeling; MAYBE she's afraid she will let YOU down; OR maybe it's a combination of all of these feelings.

I think you would do yourself some good to really ponder those questions. And I would be in no hurry to share those answers with your wife. Take time to work the answers out for yourself and work on whatever direction those answers take you.

My two cents for whatever it's worth.