I think you hit the nail on the head. What if the "new real" wife sticks around? I dunno. The idea is, if things work out between the two of you neither of you will be the same as before, and her crisis "persona" now is not her final state. You will both get your needs met in a new and better marriage. The person that you will be married to will want to be married to you, so she won't be the alien/wierdo you have now. Things will never go back to the way they were. You don;t want them to. You want a GREAT marriage. If it wasn't working for her, it probably wasn't working for you either. You have no choice. It's going to either be a great marriage or no marriage to her. It's obvious mediocity won't work for you guys.
On the other hand, I wonder, too, sometimes, who is this person?
My wife's response to my GAL is, "I'm not sure what I think about the long-term prospects of our marriage, but watching you be committed to your self-developement, has stopped me from wanting to run away screaming." In my experience, it got her attention and stopped the free-fall. Another time she said, "Yes, you may indeed become this intimate, respectful wonderful self-actualized guy, but, at the moment, I'm not that interested." Ouch!!! But, that's what she felt like that day. You see, it's a rollercoaster. Another time she said, "I'm so glad that things are working out for YOU." It seems like it's a form of detatchment.
Our love, like God's love, needs to be steadfast and unshakable. It can't rise or fall with every response we get to our newest DB technique.
Having said that. Only GAL will attract her. Only GAL will strengthen you for the fight. Only GAL will prepare you for a life without your wife if she chooses to torch your marriage.
Oh yeah, they don't think they are torching your family. They say, "Kids are resilient." And no amount of hard, undeniable clinical evidence showing them that kids will suffer and be very hurt in the long-run will convince them otherwise. They won't stay in it for the kids. The one, over-riding reality they feel, deep in their bones, is, "I must be happy, I must feel good, I must be whole, I must be free, I must self-actualize." And whatever gets them there is OK, even if it means hurting others.
But, the truth, the blessed truth, is that they can have needs met, their dreams fulfilled, their hearts warmed by staying in their marriage. They just can't see that yet. In fact, they will be *more* fulfilled, happier and self-actualized if they choose to work it out with their spouses rather than have an affair. They are trading a steak dinner for a sugar rush.
It's hard, 8, real hard. You are doing great. Keep it up. The fact that she can talk to you is a good sign. The door is still open. Look at it this way, you are, by your actions, slowly trying to seduce her away from OM. And I'm betting on you. Keep having fun. Keep becoming a more interesting person. There's a book called Wild at Heart by Ron Eldridge. Maybe it can help you get in touch with some crazy, warrior-like side of yourself. There's also an excellent work-book.
A friend of mine once told me, "I know this is hard for you. But frankly I'm tired of hearing about what your wife did or didn't do and watching you agnonize over your reactions to her. The tail is wagging the dog. I want to hear about your call to adventure. I want to see you come alive. Right now all you are is a footnote to her story. You need to change that. She needs to become peripheral to your story. And when you guys work things out, you will each be equal players in your common story."
