Brief recap of my sitch: Married for 4 years, together for 8. No kids. 1 dog. He dropped the "bomb" Nov 8th. He moved out that same day - hasn't loved me for years, never should have married me, wondered whether he was ever physically attracted to me, yadda, yadda.
As of tonight, I have concrete evidence that my WAH is seeing a co-worker. Someone I was suspicious of 10 months ago while we were still together. We've attended 3 marriage counselling sessions over the past 3 months he's been gone with the idea on his part to help me find closure on the relationship.
This past month we have had several opportunities to problem solve (had some flooding in our basement and began the process of a separation agreement through the Collaborative Family Law.) Our last couples session with the therapist was this past Wednesday. At that session and when I have asked him point blank on other occassions he has denied having an affair and is angry that people (myself included) think he's in a MLC.
I at last feel somewhat vindicated in that I now know the split has not been because of how bad our relationship was. I admit it was in a somewhat neglected state but my WAH is not very communicative and had not been telling me of his unhappiness. We still spent time together, were having sex, had vacations, etc. After a recent vacation last June he told me he had fallen in love with me all over again.
Fast forward to tonight. I drove by her place and his car was there. I have been standing for my marriage since he left. I have been GAL and he has noticed. Now that I have this new information - what do I do with it? I need advice.
oh sweetpea, I'm so sorry to hear this. I am thinking my H is having an affair but he won't tell me just yet. I'll be back later. H and I are suppose to have a talk tonight.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
Read DB and DR, commit the ideas to memory. Do the 180s, GAL and at the same time think about what he might be getting out of the other relationship. It may be that he feels she's a great listener and strokes his ego. Try doing this yourself. Don't mention MLC. Be positive, smile a lot, be encouraging, don't criticize, and just agree with everything --whatever crazy thing he says. Ask lots of impersonal questions (like a friend) and listen listen listen! When he's with you make it all about him so he feels special. Regardless of where the marriage goes, this will help you in any future relationships.
Even if your heart is breaking, go out with friends, GAL, buy some new clothes, sexy stuff, do your hair, make-up... do things that help you feel good about yourself. Sign up for a class you've always wanted to take. Start focusing on you and working towards becoming an amazing person. Try to have some fun.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sweetpea, I am sorry...I am going through the same thing. My H is having an affair...makes me sick to my stomach and I seem to obsess about it daily...where is he?? What is he doing? Is he going to spend Valentines day with her and buy her gifts using our $$?? My mind rages on... I really put my 180 into effect about 2 weeks ago and he has called to talk to my D4 two days in a row and spoke to me nicely..had been treating me like crap. He also asked my MIL how I was? I am trying not to get my hopes up but this is the nicest he has been to me in 8 weeks!
So sorry you're in this position, Sweetpea. My MIL found out about FIL's A several years back in a similar way. One of her friends had seen a car she didn't recognise parked in their driveway during the day when MIL was at work, so she mentioned it to her, and sure enough....
Your H sounds quite similar to mine, (only going to counselling in the interest of me getting closure....denying MLC when it's suggested). You'll come to see that they're all quite similar. I've found that reading threads on the MLC board, as well as threads where former WASs share their views, (like this one) has really helped me to see this crazy sitch in a slightly more rational light.
I suppose the question you're really asking is if you should let him know that you know? If you do confront him about it, just try to stay as calm as possible. My H just flat out told me about his A, (which he doesn't actually consider to be an A, as he's just "moving on"), and I had such an emotional and uncontrolled reaction that I haven't had any contact with him since. The way I handled it just drove him even further away and now he basically wants no contact with me ever again. So as impossible as it feels to keep your cool in this sitch, you really have to try, otherwise you'll just make it worse. Take it from someone who knows first hand!
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
After I discovered this news, I sent H an e-mail letting him know that I knew and asking him not to contact me for any reason. The following day he sent me an e-mail justifying his contact with the OW (co-worker) saying they have had drinks a few times and spent time together but that it is not an A or a "relationship". He defended her honor saying WHEN HE FIRST ASKED HER OUT she declined not wanting to start anything with a co-worker. She obviously has changed her mind since then. He went on to say that he has been out with other women also and he's not having an A with them! I didn't respond. The following morning, another e-mail asking me how I came to the conclusion that they were having an A and that he was should be able to socialize with whomever he wants to as we are no longer co-habitating. He seems to forget conveniently that we are married. I didn't respond to this one eihter.
We have been collaborating with our lawyers to come to a separation agreement which was set to be signed this week with the intent of me buying him out of his share of our house. With this new information, I told him I was backing off of the agreement for at least a few months as a matter of self-respect to live up to an agreement I made with myself saying I would not make any major decisions until at least six months passed after he left. He railed. Didn't like that - accused me of breaking an agreement I made in front of lawyers. Again, I didn't respond.
Then, today, I was praying this morning as I do every morning asking for guidance and seeking the Lord's will for me to stand for my marriage or to give up. I read on the link that was sent in your reply here about the WAS replies. In it there were several comments about forgiveness. I was inspired to offer an "olive branch" of forgiveness to my H. I told him that I was very sad about all of this but that he's right, he can do whatever he wants. I told him I've come to the place in my mind and in my heart that I forgive him and I'm not blaming him for anything anymore.
He responded within 10 minutes saying he was sorry and that he is sad that he has hurt me the way he has. He told me that he did try very hard to make things right for a long time and he sees now that it would have been easier for me if he had let me in on what was really going on in his head then. But that he didn't really know that he needed to. He said it's been very hard for him to explain and articulate the details and that he knows that it has been hard for me too. He said that he appreciated my forgiveness.
I was shocked. I didn't expect him to reply let alone offer such a seemingly heartfelt reply. This all from a man who tells me he doesn't love me. Sure feels like a loving response to me. Or am I reading to much into it? This is a very different attitude than what I've been receiving but it is the second apology of his behaviour in the past week.
Anyway, it made me feel good that he accepted my forgiveness. That was the key point for me.
I still intend to take the time to wait out the legal agreement. I don't feel at all motivated to rush this part of things. I was mainly doing it to help him get on with things but I truly believe that the Lord has intervened and that there are other spiritual things going on of which I'm not aware. Thanks for your replies.
I so feel for you. I think your H is doing just like mine... trying to keep the door open to have the best of both worlds... but I may wrong. Stay dark it can only do you good. Hang in there, do whatever makes you happy cause you are the most important thing in your life (besides your kids if you have any!) They have a tendancy I find to tell us what we need to hear to keep the door open and then tells us things to get a reaction. I have found in the last couple of months he will be super nice then say something real mean.... but this is just my H and my experience. As for the legal part... I understand... I am debating D or LS.... I truly am not sure.... I guess time will tell and I will see what road to take when I get there.... still have a few months! Hang in there!
Me 31 H 36 2 kids (D2,D4) Status: enjoying my life all by my big self!!!;) "Life is short eat desert first!!"
Thanks Chaflo; I have the same feeling but that in itself is a sign that he's not completely sure of what he's doing. I agree I need to stay dark and that is what I will do. I know that I am doing everything I can to bust this divorce and that gives me confidence in my abilities to have a healthy relationship be it with my husband or not. Patience is the resounding word.
Interesting our bombs were dropped around the same time - November last year. I hope you too are looking after yourself.
He defended her honor saying WHEN HE FIRST ASKED HER OUT she declined not wanting to start anything with a co-worker. She obviously has changed her mind since then. He went on to say that he has been out with other women also and he's not having an A with them! I didn't respond. The following morning, another e-mail asking me how I came to the conclusion that they were having an A and that he was should be able to socialize with whomever he wants to as we are no longer co-habitating. He seems to forget conveniently that we are married. I didn't respond to this one eihter.
Wise move not to respond. My H has the same mindset. He's got himself OW now, but doesn't believe he's having an A because as far as he's concerned we're no longer married, even though we are, and will be until at least Oct which is the soonest he'll be legally able to file for D. Like I said to a friend: A shitty M is still a legal M! In their heads, they really do see themselves as being single now, which is a massive slap in the face to us. And the more we try to convince them of our point of view, (and just the simple, cold, hard facts), the more adamant they are that we're wrong and they're right. The more upset we get over OW, the more they feel the need to defend her.
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We have been collaborating with our lawyers to come to a separation agreement which was set to be signed this week with the intent of me buying him out of his share of our house. With this new information, I told him I was backing off of the agreement for at least a few months as a matter of self-respect to live up to an agreement I made with myself saying I would not make any major decisions until at least six months passed after he left. He railed. Didn't like that - accused me of breaking an agreement I made in front of lawyers. Again, I didn't respond.
H is trying to get me to agree to a property settlement at the moment as well. I sent a reply to his lawyer asking for clarification on some points as their first letter was rather vague, so I'm hoping I might be able to stall the process for at least a few weeks. Good on you for sticking with your morals! No surprise he didn't like it of course. That's one thing I think to myself when I'm feeling really down about my sitch....at least I know when I put my head down on the pillow at the end of each day that I have a clear conscience and that my morals are still intact and I'm still committed to my H and my M vows. Makes me feel good about myself.
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Then, today, I was praying this morning as I do every morning asking for guidance and seeking the Lord's will for me to stand for my marriage or to give up. I read on the link that was sent in your reply here about the WAS replies. In it there were several comments about forgiveness. I was inspired to offer an "olive branch" of forgiveness to my H. I told him that I was very sad about all of this but that he's right, he can do whatever he wants. I told him I've come to the place in my mind and in my heart that I forgive him and I'm not blaming him for anything anymore.
I'm glad that link helped! The quick response from him and the heartfelt apology is definitely a good sign! What he said in his reply to you, I have a feeling my H would say exactly the same thing if he were actually speaking to me at all right now. Unfortunately I read that thread all about forgiveness after contact between us had ceased, but ever since I read it, I've been thinking of sending him a forgiveness letter. I'll feel better to have said it, and it'd be a way to test the waters and see if I get any kind of response, (be it positive or negative).
Anyway, I'm really happy that you got such a positive response, and I hope there are more in the future. Try not to get discouraged if it takes a while to get another positive sign though. As they say, one step forward, two steps back, and so it goes...
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
I do think that I handled this the best way I could except that I question my final reply which told him I know it must be difficult for him and that if he feld like talking about anything I'm here. I got no other reply after that. It's as though he has decided to go dark after! Or back in the MLC tunnel. I'm quite convinced he is in MLC and should move my thread over there I think. After our final C appt last Wednesday, before I found out about the OW we had a very compassionate e-mail exchange where he stated that he hadn't ruled out a MLC! I was surprised he would consider it when he's been so certain that's not what is happening. I encouraged him to not think about the label but if he did research the symptoms he may find they fit. I can only hope that is what he has done and that the pieces may be falling into place for him.
I have no reason to see him or talk to him at all now. I will carry on and anything that happens as far as contact goes will be up to him.
