just got an email from spouse: are you ready for me to start looking for a place?
We had an episode last night. She said she couldn't go back to our relationship, it didn't work (sound familiar) and I said I couldn't go on in the relationship we have now. She assures me she can't change her feelings. I told her we differed on that because I believe feelings can be changed. She said she'd ask her therapist (whom I suspect is a part of the problem, or for sure not a part of the solution) Then she pulls out "are you ready to give up daughter half the time" and I answer "are YOU?" and we tango around that a while, me expressing opinion that it isn't best for 7yr old to live in two places. She finally threatend NOT to leave in order to be with daughter.
I took a break and when I returned I calmly apologized for losing my cool (I laughed when she said "I can't change my feelings"...a snort really, it just flew out...at least it wasn't "the F you CAN"T!") and said that I agreed with her and didn't want to go back to our old relationship either, I wanted it to be better than ever. I also said "you can't change your feelings about me as long as you aren't investing in me". Then I took another break.
Last night she was back on the topic of family vacation and today I get "are you ready for me to look for a place"...HELP!!!! This just seems like such a weenie way to have somebody else make her decisions for her. Then she's blameless in the end because it wasn't up to her. HELP!!! anybody done this? Advice.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
This just seems like such a weenie way to have somebody else make her decisions for her. Then she's blameless in the end because it wasn't up to her. HELP!!! anybody done this?
I think my H was doing a similar thing - wanting ME to kick him out so he didn't have the guilt. I did finally ask him to make a choice - because neither of us could live as it was but I didn't honestly expect him to jump so quickly
Whatever you do, be prepared for what you're asking to happen to actually happen.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Here to offer hugs and support. This does seem like a bunch of cake eating going on. And I bet your W does want you to be the bad guy. Anything to deflect some of the 'blame' from her for the sitch.
That said... what are your options?? 1. Do nothing and continue to be a little bit of a doormat while still Dbing 2. LRT... call her bluff. Tell her to move and get on with it 3. Middle ground?? Not sure what this is.
So glad you have a coaching session tonight. So sorry you keep having to go thru all of this. Keep your head up and keep focusing on your D7. Tomorrow is a new day and it will probably be better than today. Good luck tonight. Can't wait to hear how it goes.
you could get a job as a DB coach. I'm sure Dottie will say exactly what you just said.
Spouse sent another email saying she wasn't sure moving out was "what she wanted to do"...lordy! Sometimes you just want to scream "pull your head out and look to the future, where do you think you'll end up?"
I supsect I choose #1, especially since she said she "isn't sure" jeeze.
Do you ever want to tell friends you've joined a cult: "It's call divorce busters and that's why I don't throw him/her out on her butt..."
Meanwhile maybe I can have some pleasant conversation with OW when I pick daughter up from school: "hi, was it good for you this weekend? Has it occurred to you that she doesn't respect you either?" Perhaps someting subtle like that...Thanks Jules, I appreciate any response. I am really weary but the thought of telling daughter...ugggghhhhh. I can soldier on a while longer but NOT FOREVER
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Well, choosing #1 is good in a way because it's best for your D7, but in a way it can't affect the way you are while being around D7. Your not a doormat, I am a doormat because I have been supporting my W EA, for six months while I moved in to my parents house. Now I am going back and will be in your sitch very soon. All I can tell you is to hang tight and keep DBing. I won't tell me W to move out but I will make it known that the choice is hers, and only hers. Good thing is, she is hesitant. Sounds like there is hope. Just keep finding out what it is she is looking for, and keep trying to give it to her.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
just a word of advice: practice some answers for when your friends say "throw her scrawney butt out...I wouldn't put up with that...etc...etc..." You're going to need them. try: I have chosen to try to give her time to come to her senses. These decisions aren't made overnight. Love is patient and kind. (not happy and light) Also to your friends:I know you love me so help me by respecting me and supporting me in my decision to give this time....blah blah blah
Doormats unite! I hope to reincarnate as a nice wood floor...
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
lol Stubborn.. So glad u have your sarcastic sense of humor in tact.
It's a shitty sitch, that's for sure. And we can only hope that with time your W pulls her head out of her ass and wakes up. Until then, keep focusing on that beautiful little girl. You taking care of yourself and doing things for you???
What about some 180s?? Can you make plans for a Sat night so that W has to stay home?? go out and do something for you. Shake your a$$ a little, or something.
I bumped into OW today, too... so I can relate to that shit. Uggg... you're doing great. Your D7 is lucky to have such a rock in you!! Good luck tonight!! Julie
Oh... and 1 more thing... Don't forget that you matter in this sitch. You have a voice in this sitch and you are important. And even though your motives are totally respectable (D7), do not lose yourself or crush your spirit. Take periodic moments to self-check and make sure that you are putting a priority on you. THAT is what will be healthiest for D7.
Trust me I already get the "get it over with" I tell them that my S is most important and he has no say in the matter. I am his fight as much as my own. He can't fight and I know if he did it would be for us to be together. So I fight for two!
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
just a word of advice: practice some answers for when your friends say "throw her scrawney butt out...I wouldn't put up with that...etc...etc..." You're going to need them. try: I have chosen to try to give her time to come to her senses. These decisions aren't made overnight. Love is patient and kind. (not happy and light) Also to your friends:I know you love me so help me by respecting me and supporting me in my decision to give this time....blah blah blah
Doormats unite! I hope to reincarnate as a nice wood floor...
my mom is one I have to use this on. She means well (as most do) and she has settled down with the comments -- but she was really impatient, wanting H to make a decision. Like I didn't but I was not rushing him. Lately I get - you're a better woman than I am because I wouldn't put up with XYZ but I understand why you are doing what you're doing and you're both in my prayers every morning and night.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
