this was the third time since admittance of confusion that he said it...the first time....was right before he left to go to miami to watch the pats play....he tucked me in bed and said "i love you LL" I cried... didn't know what else to do... the words had been stolen from my vocab for so long! LL
Just wanted to say "HI", I re-read what you and Steph had posted just to boost my pma.It is amazing to go back to old posts and read how far we come in a short time. It seems like we forget that time is nothing compared to what we are hoping to accomplish. Sue
I think it is just as important to post when things are going well as when they are not. After all, it is great to hear the success of someone who has gone through it all. That way we can have faith that some of the M's do survive!
having one of those days...with the snow storm the other day...h was out plowing...left at 4 am after falling asleep infront of the fire...(wasn't sure what he should do in regard to the snow..sleep or stay awake to see what happens) came up to say goodbye to me but of course I was in a fog..dd woke at 5 am (ugh) so I attended to her and coerced her to take a few more winks..h called at 6:30 but aaahhh we were still snoozing so he left a message...h called again at 7:30 and I answered h teased me about still sleeping... said he was dissapointed when he left he wanted a hug but I was to sleepy to acknowledge...shortly after hanging up with h I was greeted at my bedside by son (3) totaly in the buff telling me he had been plunging..so goodmorning to me..had to wipe sons little tush and fix the toilet... the day went fine laundry, meals, playing...and of course the typical baking I seem to be addicted to...h called around 1 and was finnished with the plowing was planning to go to his appartment to take a nap (figured it not to be fair to come here and take a nap as it would dissapoint the kids) so h arrived home (as he calls it now) at about 7:15...I put dd to bed and h played with son..after putting son to bed h and I looked online at our towns site, h wants to volunteer for the fire dept (yes a small town we have volunteer services) as he used to be on the force before we were married but left due to his business needing him more...(h did try to get back on the force but was declined for taking advantage of the personal time allotted him, that may have caused some of the pressure that led to the ow) then h and I sat in front of the fire..h shared a dream he had had during his nap...didn't make a whole lot of sense to me but was nice that he shared it...had to do with him cooking (or heating something up) in a house (not ours) the wall getting hot..then there were some teen boys there the wall was catching fire.. h warns the boys to stay away..trying to call 911 but not working..the wall falls on one of the boys..h lifts it off and then wakes stiff and unnerved... h knows not who the boys represent or anything else for that matter other than it could have something to do with his thinking of going back to firefighting...
so the real reason for my posting today...
negative thoughts.....ow thoughts...what does she mean to him at this point...has he yet seen her for what she is...does he understand what their relationship was...or did he just realize that he loves me and though had these special feelings for her could not leave me??? I don't know. does it matter???? will I ever be fully confident that my h thinks I am special...and the best thing??? some days I feel it and some I do not....can be the simplest thing to set me off...ie. last night h fell asleep on the floor infront of the tv..his cell phone was left in the truck...foolish thoughts this is no big deal...just me feeling insecure... I am all that and h knows it...even more so now!!
cheer me up a bit please...help me to see that h is here for me! Ll
Hi LL, While "piecing" a M after an affair, those thoughts are common to have bubble up to the surface. But as you continue to rebuild, the days in which those thoughts surface become less and less frequent and the gaps between are filled with more and more good times which in turn makes the thoughts even less significant.
I can't say if they will ever go away all together, as they still creep up every now and again for me, but I can dismiss them as quickly as they pop up as they only serve to remind me on how well we are getting along in the present.
ok here's something I've been pondering for a while and I know the response I will get is DON'T DO IT!!! but I soooo want to hire someone to follow h for a month...to ease my worry that he may still be seeing ow or some other ow's for that matter...guess I just don't like his job and the freedom it gives him and now that I know he spent time with another woman I am ever more insecure about his whereabouts during the day...I try to believe that their r wsa not physical as they both claim it not to be (how pathetic if it were me I would have)but there are times when I think I am being lied to about the whole thing..does it make a difference...well obviously since I have thoughts that he was physical with her and am still letting him try to reconcile then I would say no it doesn't but I would still like to know the truth...maybe I do know the truth and maybe not...will I ever know??? probably not. what will having him followed do for me??? may ease my worry that he still stops by to see her...may show me some things I don't want to see...but should know... will I actually do it??? probably not, should have done it a year ago...but then if I did it a year ago...h would not be here as I would have known he was lying to me about not talking to ow and I would have discovered his visits to her house and surley not believed nothing to be going on.
I don't know! LL who is insecure but also knows that it matters not what happens she will be ok, just doesn't want to be played a fool!!
