I think until the relationship with OP starts to wind down or become more grounded, it's very difficult for spouses to "let go" of an affair. Especially when they are both EA and PA (strongly connected). I found the only thing that helped me was a combination of the affair winding down, me keeping my cool and working on myself, looking at what the affair provided and working towards being better at that (I was a great listener, friend, accepting supportive, etc...), looking good, being confident and developing my own life... also mystery!!!! The idea that people were interested in me and I might actually care for someone else. I think THAT really threw him for a loop!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
