I don't check the bbs regularly anymore, so I just saw your post today. You say you'd like to hear my story. I used to go by Twisted_Inside. And that is exactly how I felt. But, where to begin?
I'll give some background on me and my family.
Me- 28 H- 32 SS- 11 S- 3 Married for 9 years this March. Together 11 years this July. Bomb dropped Thanksgiving day 2005. (They have such great timing hmmm???)
When my H first dropped the bomb, I was a mess. Crying, begging, pleading. I was a physical and mental mess. Honestly, I didn't know what I was going to do. My immediate family lives about 10,000 miles away, and my in-laws lives about 300 miles away. So, I was really stuck with no one physically to run to. Shortly after I found this web site. And let me tell you. Everyone here was a God send.
I figured out my H's triggers to his MLC. He had lost his father in a very difficult way about 5 years now. There was a lot of guilt and pain when he lost his Dad. Also, he's been dealing with the fact that when he was younger his Mom and stepdad basically didn't want anything to do with him because he was a "problem" child. They gave him up to the state. (ugh!)
Now, I hadn't been an angel in our marriage. I did a lot of stupid things that I have regretted. But, I've forgiven myself for those mistakes.
Anyhow, shortly after the bomb H started going out a lot. And when I say a lot. I mean almost every night with a female employee. Yes, his employee. She is 9 years his junior. AND she is a LESBIAN. Yeah I know....how that makes any sense I don't know. Anyhow, he insisted that they were "only friends" but I knew better. But, I kept my mouth shut. H would also take to "being alone" on the weekends by staying at a hotel alone. He said he needed this to think. But, in reality it was to drink himself into oblivion.
Meanwhile.....with his constant bar hopping, and stupid things. We were going under financially. He was constantly charging alcohol to his credit card, and then expecting me to figure out how to pay it all and make all the bills. Not possible when you are spending about $2000/mo in child care expenses alone.
I did the best that I could with detaching. I changed a lot. I had major body image issues, and learned to deal with that. My H to this day says that the birthday gift that I gave to him during this time....helped him open his eyes to how much I love him.
So, we had a lot of fights. We talked. I cried, in the closet or the bathroom. I did my best to hide the tears from him. And sadly my S3 who was 2 at the time was the only person that would comfort me.
I also told H that maybe for his birthday he could go back to his hometown and visit. So he can get away from us. He was also entertaining the idea of us moving there....so he was going to be pursuing job opportunities. Well, that was the bottom for him. (this was in Feb of 06)
Why his bottom?
At this point I had already tried to gently prod him to visit his Dad's grave. He hadn't seen it since his Dad passed. He cried a lot the day we finally went to see his Dad. So, when he went to visit his home town the following events happened:
1. My SS11 had a big crisis with one of his friends. His friend's Mom called SS11 a thief, to his face. Yeah I know horrible. Well SS11 didn't do a thing to warrant that sort of comment. So, I did my best to console SS11.
2. When H was there he did a lot of things that I would not like to mention here. But, I was not happy with his choices.
3. H tried to sleep with his XG but didn't.
4. H figured out that I could live with or without him. And that his kids would rather be with me than with him. Yeah it hurt, but it was the truth.
When H was driving home from his mini vacation, I was at work. It TM H, saying that I was going home because I was ill. H was frantic. He TM back saying to call him when I arrived home. And you know what I thought???? Uh-oh, now what? What else can he say that will hurt me???
So, I called H and he confessed. About the XG, about the lesiban woman. Yeah, they weren't just friends. They had kissed multiple times. And his best friend's neice. He had kissed her too. I was livid. Why? Because he lied. To my face. I didn't know whether to cry or scream.
H said that he didn't want to me to be at home, because he was going to confess to me via email. He said he was too much of a coward to do it face to face. (H had always told me that he would never, ever cheat on me.)
Anyhow, H arrived at home and we ml. H was upset, and sorry. He said that he wanted to work things out. That he knew that he was stupid for wanting to leave me. So, that started the journey back.
We had a lot of bumps in the road. Like OGW kept TMing him, and I had asked him to tell her that it was done. That they were no longer allowed to speak to each other, unless it was work related. She didn't get that. So, he said that he wanted to go out with her one last time to close the door. I let him do that. Geez that was a huge mistake. I felt like an idiot afterwards.
WHY??? Well, he came home drunk as a skunk. I asked him where they went. He said a local restaurant. I asked which one, and he said...."Oh actually I went to her place." WTF???? I didn't know what to say. H had promised me that he would never go over there. Anyhow, I was angry and that anger carried over to the next day. And he emailed me to tell me that he kissed her again. I was beside myself at that point. I called him a liar, and a cheat. He admitted that he couldn't be trusted.
Then later that week we had another blow out. His best friend said some pretty lousy things to me. And no my H didn't stick up for me at that point. H told me the next morning that he changed his mind. He wanted a D, and it was over. All the while the kids were watching.
Now this is where the cycling comes in. Later that night he apologized profusely. He said that he swore to God that he would never, ever leave me. He didn't want the D. And that he did love me.
So, we're in April of 2006 at that point. H has asked for a transfer to get away from OGW. For the sake of our M. He transferred and OGW quit.
H hated that job he transferred to, but felt it was his punishment for doing all the horrible things he did. I have and still get lots of thank yous. Lots of "I realized how stupid I was. I can't beleive you stuck with me through all of the horrid things I did."
Now fast forward to a couple of months ago. H bought me a 3k pink saphirre ring. He said that his W only gets the best. At Christmas H bought me a brand new Dooney and Bourke purse. (Lissett....you have a shoe thing....my love are PURSES!)
Okay now fast foward to January of 2007. I find out from a friend who works at the same company as H that OGW has come back! YES, she has been rehired. Now get this she is now working for the same branch as my H. I was so angry I lost about 2 days of sleep. Even with H's reassurance. I told H that she was coming back and he better watch out for her.
(In between her getting rehired and quitting, OGW had TM'd H on more than one occasion. He showed them to me, and deleted them without responding. I told H that if she did it one more time I would call her so she got the message.)
So, now they work in the same branch. H says that I don't need to worry. That he is mine, and that I'll have to stand him for the rest of our lives. I've learned to push the anger aside and move on. I still get flashes here and there of them together, kissing but do my best not to let it bother me.
We email each other everyday in the morning. Like our morning kiss and hug. Wish each other a great day, and that we look forward to seeing each other after work. H doesn't go out every night. In fact this year so far he's gone out alone only 2 times. Which is a big 180, in comparison because he was going out every weekend.
We laugh and talk a lot. He holds me and hugs me, kisses me and loves me. He said that I make him feel safe and at home. He has said that he can't believe what a wonderful wife he has found. Life at home is on a pretty even keel. Our love life in bed is fabulous. Most times we are just content with falling asleep holding each other.
I've survived. Through hills, valleys, darkness and light. I've become a better Mom, wife, and person because of this. Although I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Well maybe the OW
If this is a success story....maybe it's a success story in the works.
Feel free to comment. If I've missed something or any other questions. I'll check back more regularly.
Twisted_Inside aka Peace and Serenity
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To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott
Jazz? You helping or hurting here? None of our spouses are saints, we love them through their faults. Love is blind and love is stupid. And None I mean None are saints.
Twisted is a success story, with alot of bumps along the way.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The suck part of the MLC is they are no longer the people we knew. They are literally strangers, they become childish and teenagers. They become selfish monsters. They becoem things and people we would normally never want in our lives. They become people they would normally never want to associate with.
Between this and the ammount of time for an MLC to not be in MLC is why this particular board...sucks to be in.
Our friends and families say we are doormats, for sticking this out, that we have no bakbones, that we should divorce.
The easy path is seldom the right path.
So I cannot, will not answer for Twisted aka Peace.
But I can tell you as long as my W comes out of this and wants to reconcile I can forgive her the monsterous things she has done, in many cases I have. I can forgive the things she may do.
This board isn't for sissies.
We take them back because they are not these people/aliens/monsters anymore. we don't take them back if they still are.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
What made me take my H back? Good question. I know you are only trying to learn from my sitch.
I took my H back because I knew that the person he was during his MLC was not the man that I fell in love with. I knew that he had demons to deal with, and that he needed to face them if he was ever to come back.
He also said that he was pushing me away because he thought that he had ruined everything beyond recognition. He was trying to make a decision about my life for me. And has since realized that I wasn't going anywhere. That I meant it when I said "for better or worse."
Another thing is that I have unconditional love for my H. Yes, as corny as it sounds. I have always had unconditional love for him, but it hadn't been tested until he had his MLC. My H has always tried to push me away because he's never known that love makes you feel good, not hurt. I have always told him that I love ALL of him. Warts and all. That I have always accepted him for who he is, and it didn't matter what happened in his past. Yes, he has had a difficult childhood but in a lot of ways it's made him into the person that I love.
One constant thing that has kept me sane was God. Silly? Corny? I don't know. All I know is that I prayed to Him every morning, noon and night to bring my H back. To help him through this time of darkness, and back to me. And you know what? I never expected anything to actually happen.
There are/have been a lot of things that helped in keeping me standing firm for my M. Yeah, what Jack said is true. My family and friends thought I was nuts. They didn't agree with me and the choice I made. They thought I should just pick up and walk out. But, I couldn't leave my H in his time of need. And I wouldn't.
Was,
I didn't think you noticed. I just blend in the crowd.
Lis,
Thanks Mama! You are one strong woman.
Jack,
I'll never become complacent again. I keep it interesting now. I am one hot Mama, and my H knows it!
PS
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott
PS- You never blended. We are each like stars in the heavens, taking our turns to twinkle and glitter, and together we make up the most beautiful sky! I'm very happy for you and will continue to pray for you. DBH
