ok things are going well...but at times when I think about the different things that h has said...they don't make much sense... he spent time with ow before we got married (she was married already at the time) in what manner I do not really know I assume just at her house when he was working or different stop by visits...said he didn't know he could feel that way bla bla bla is this the way it's supposed to be? am I with the wrong person bla bla bla ...stayed away from her (still customer though) married me...nothing changed...eventually about 2+ years into marital unbliss he misses that feeling and starts to go back to spending time with her...at first just when the guys are working there and then little by little he's stopping by 30-40 min three times a week and talking to her every day...and is in love with her? all along I know nothing of this "friendship" (except that all along through the years she has invited the whole landscaping crew to her private christmas parties (ya and I didn't find that odd of the woman) any way what is running through my head now is the ridiculous fact that h says he didn't realize how he felt until the day he took her to the h for her cancer treatment (that is when my friend saw him and he had to tell of the "friendship") so then which is it you had feelings and recognized them before we got married or you had feelings and recognized them the day you took her to the hospital... and if all along you were nothing but friends then why did you have to stay away from her just because you were marrying someone else??? were you screwing her then...have you been screwing her all along???? you are a confused little man... does it matter if you don't really come home? will it matter if you come home only to leave again when the kids are no longer little and I no longer "need" you (as if I do now)... I suppose for me it should not... I would like for you to be commited to me and accept that life with me will be fullfilling but if you cannot see that it will be your loss...I don't want to waist my time thinking about it... I have gained an independance throughout this "ordeal" and I don't intend to give it up...just because you come home...so then lovingly detached I will stay..it is the best way anyway... I should no more depend on you for my happiness than you depend on me for yours. I just wish you knew what your feelings for this foolish ow were/are... get a clue h... she is married...has been hangning out with the landscapers...going out with them while her h is at home... this all before you hell you know it one of them was your own brother...she is a liar...thinks nothing of lying to another woman to get what she wants...self admitted selfish...foolish little girl...she is special..she is a good person...I really don't think so...a sad hurting sick woman yes...but is she a good person? no h she is not...if she were a good person she would have stayed in her house and told you to leave her alone...and when discovering that I didn't know of the little friendship you had with her...she would not have lied for you... she would have realized that you were not an honest man and that you were hurting a woman with young children did she do that no...she thought selfeshly...she was not happy with her h so she thought why not take this womans man...he doesn't want her anyway and we can be happy. she needs to grow up and if you want to be with her even still then you need to grow up too.
I wonder how long thoughts like these will run through my head... if they stay then h cannot... I will not live my life wondering if my h wants to be with me..either he does or he doesn't... yes I am enjoying things the way they are now but a plateau I do not want and that i feel is what we have reached...h will have to someday re instate his commitment to me AND come home...otherwise I'll enjoy the ride for a while but kick him off to make more room for myself. LL
