Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Her reality is her reality, which is, as you point out, heavily influenced by her subjectivity. I believe that she believes what she does about me because there's a payoff to it, not because she's "crazy". Yes, I acknowledge that she's depressed and their are chemical issues, but it's not everything, and it's not all in her perception.

I'm not a bad guy, I'm not doing her wrong or harm in any purposeful way. But my actions can cause her pain, regardless of my intentions. I think this is a given in a relationship, and this is why direct communication is critical - otherwise you believe your own judgment, which often assumes the other person intentionally hurt you. I think this is particularly an issue in my M. If W feels something negative, I must have caused it. Even if I didn't intend it on a conscious level, she sees some malicious intent on a subconscious level. I don't think I'm passive aggressive, but apparently she does.

I think that one of the things that I have trouble with is wanting some influence over the sitch. In so doing, it's somewhat desirable to acknowledge personal problems that I have that impact our M because if I have problems, I can solve them. If the problems are all in my W, I can't solve them. So I'm torn between seeing the problems in me or in my wife. I sometimes take on more than I should, and I sometimes see the responsibility in my W more than I should.