Lil - No, I understand how BK works except this...I didn't really think that H SHOULD have comforted me physically more than he did. I honestly didn't feel deserving of what he did. H rubbed my leg, patted me, held my hand. Did the things that make H, H.
How could I be mad? I was just commenting that some guys would have handled that part differently. My H's behavior is totally predictable in that regard and for the same reason so is his emotional support of me. I can be content in knowing that he will always say, "Accidnts happen, It's only a car, I'm just glad that you are ok" and then without comment, repercussion or remark, get a rental for me, look at new cars to make sure I have something nice, reliable and safe. I know a lot of H's that would have made the whole thing much less pleasant for their wives.
So, where I am left in this sitch with Byron Katie is looking at my assertions of being at fault in both the accident and my wishes for my marriage in general. H is just H, that is what is. When I accept that then I treat H fairly and lovingly and yet still, have a spot left unfulfilled in my marriage which is the part of what I desire in the physical side of the marriage. How do I treat myself when I accept H for who he is and how he physically responds in relationship - well, it depends. Sometimes I treat myself well and lovingly and can reach out to H and sometimes I feel pretty empty and alone. That is where BK always end me up - H is pretty standard, I am mercurial, changeable, sometimes expecting, sometimes just wanting, sometimes just plain pissed when my expectations aren't met and mostly, pretty darned grateful and happy that the rest of things are as good as they are.
I have been stuck but I haven't so much been stuck in not understanding that H is who he is. I have been stuck in trying to figure out "why" and thinking if I knew why then there would be a way to undo the "why". You know what? I don't think there is. There is much of H that I will never understand and there is much of me that he clearly does not understand either. However, he just steadfastly seems to love me in all my tattered glory and I just keep looking for what isn't there (Cemar and I have something in common there).
Lil, I always appreciate your thoughtful replies. I think the book "Surrendering to marriage" really spoke to me and I should probably reread that one too. It talks pretty candidly about marital dissapointments and reality. Like the book the "Good Enough Parent" there is a "Good Enough" marriage that alot of people already live in. I am one of them.
MJ and Corri,
Thanks that does help. It was hard to drive to work today (especially in an unfamiliar car). I stayed in the right lane, let every car go before venturing into any intersection and basically drove like an old lady or a new driver. I'm sure I will get better with time.
The best part of the whole thing has been watching DD2 work through the whole thing in her own head. At least five times/day every day this weekend we went through the following series:
Mommy, your car is broken. (Yes honey, it is)
It was your fault. (She heard me say this. Yes honey, it was).
I was scared and the police came. (Yes honey, that's right).
I got a new car seat. (Yes, do you like it?) Yes, Mommy.
Daddy got you a new car. (Yes, we are borrowing this one. We will give it back soon and get a car to drive all the time).
(It is all right honey. You are all right and Mommy and Joseph are all right too. Soon we will have a new car).
