Quote: there is currently a battle going on and it is not between the h and I. the battle is within me. I change my mind from day to day minute to minute. My heart wants him to come home but at times my mind says "what are you daft, you deserve better"
there are three ways I see my future: 1: h wakes up (grows up) comes home (slowlee) there is alot of work to do at getting "it" back but we do and things are great we enjoy eachother and the family and the home and our friends etc. 2: h does not come back, I live my life for me and my kids, go to school, make new friends, commit to no-one but me and enjoy life. 3: h does not come back, I live my life for me and my kids, go to school, make new friends, find someone who wants to share life with me. just to add, even if h comes back, I will still go back to school and make new friends and a life for myself! sept 4 2002
so this is where i was on sept 4, some few weeks later h seemed to "wake up" wanting to work on the m was sorry for all that he had done all the pain he caused everyone and wanted to make things right...
now two months later h is still not living in this home and the talking from him about the sit is less and less....he is battling himself... no it is not me being tested it is him...50% of the time he wants to be here the rest of the time he wants to be there (ow) now what I find utterly ridiculous is the fact that with me there is his home his children his family and friends and a life of memories we have spent vacations together and holidays and day trips and nights and days and bla bla bla with her.... 5 min phone calls each day and a few 30 min visits each week??? really tough choice ha!! with her there is a terminal illness her own divorce to get through (should she actually do it now the my h is waivering) her own two kids and all the baggage that will come with her... can't be a full time h to your own wife yet you think you can to this woman who you spent so little time with.. who knows what she'd act like after the first 30 min is up... hey any one can be nice and up beat for 30 min even and hour start spending 4 or 5 hours or even a day with her and suddenly you'll see she aint all that!!
I don't want to wait for this man... he is a child and knows nothing about what love and marriage is all about and if he doesn't know now he will probably never know and it is not fair to me or my children to go through this "waiting" for him do decide... If I truly move on and accept a life without him in it.... there will be no chance...I had started to let go as the sept 4 post shows... h decided to try... at that point I was still open to a "possibility" the way I am feeling now is good ridence... we don't need you... pay the bills visit the kids give me some time off and leave me the hell alone... I will be just fine without you... this you have taught me throughout the years by not really being there anyway!!
realize that it is you who will feel empty... you who will miss out on the family..you who will be lonley and alone... you who will live with guilt for leaving...you who will have thrown your life away for a chance....you who will wish you didn't...you who will look back at the family you once were welcomed to and wanted and you who will feel like an outsider a guest....
h you had a pocket full of quarters and you spent them all foolishly you now have but one...decide what slot you want to put that quarter in... give it to me and the children and I'll give you the key to the vault...give it to her or yourself and I'll never give you another dime towards my heart.
I've put up with your distance for years...all hiden behind your business...i've put up with the crap you've put me and the kids through for the past year....still welcome you when you realize you can't just walk away...I am not a sap...I will not sit and let you take more of my time while you figure things out...you have had pleantly of time.... for now you are still welcome to come to this house when you choose, spend time with me if you wish..if I'm around... I will continue with my book club, I am starting a ladies night with some women in town, I will continue to go out with my friends and live my life for me...and hey you better watch out cause if while I'm out some man wants to talk to me I will glady talk to him and if you continue down the path of indecisiveness....I may just run into a man who knows what he wants...not that I need a man..this you have taught me by not being there.
you think you have a headache now????? wait till you are no longer a part of my life... then you'll have the headache of wondering who i am with...if they are treating me well... and if I choose to spend my life with someone else you will then have the worry of are they treating the children right... will he treat me right and stay with me...oh and then you will also have the headach of ow if you choose to commit to her...you'll need to be there for her and her children spreading yourself very thin cause you'll still have to be there for your own children and your going to have to work even more cause you will have to support your own children and the wife you left behind in the home that you could have enjoyed but instead you will be working hard each day to pay for it while you either go live in another mans home with his children or just go back and forth to your little appartment...
honestly the way I feel about h right now... if I did not have these two beautiful babies... I would have filed a long long time ago...I would not put up with this immmiture behavior from h. no he is not out partying (well except for the beer he drinks at football time) he is working and sleeping... he is just torn between the woman he loves and has a family with and the woman he thinks he connects with. he has had long enough to decide.
and right now "whatever" is about all I can say.
h knows exactly how I feel, some of what you read here is just my thoughts and some of it is very much what I have said to h.
db or not db, I don't really care anymore.. I will be just fine without h... is not the way I want things for my kids (they are only 3 and 1) but I am not going to teach them anything good by hanging onto a man who isn't sure... time to get on with my life... h has less than a month to make a descision!!
