LL, tired of waiting tired of waiting for you. A catchy toon. I dont think you have the music in your ears yet. You are still so tuned into his life that even if you do get him back it may not last. You have to hear the music playing for you. You need to start setting the boundries. Sunday football every weekend that is the first thing to go, sleeping 5 nights and leaving for 2. I see boundries all over the place being left unattended. If you are deciding to cut him off the sex then it really is over. If you dont want him as your h that is the best way to get rid of him.
I would love to have that man of your dreams that you described. He is out there my girlfriend has one. He is wonderful, just adores her. Would give her the skin off her back if she needed it. As wonderful as it is, it does come with many strings attached.
My H bag sat at the door for a very longtime, I didnt like it either. You have to try and understand that he still adores you and is more needy of you then you are of him. He is watching you and waiting for your direction. What do you want out of this relationship? What do you want? Dont accept anything less.
LL, tired of waiting tired of waiting for you. A catchy toon. I dont think you have the music in your ears yet. You are still so tuned into his life that even if you do get him back it may not last. You have to hear the music playing for you. You need to start setting the boundries. Sunday football every weekend that is the first thing to go, sleeping 5 nights and leaving for 2. I see boundries all over the place being left unattended. If you are deciding to cut him off the sex then it really is over. If you dont want him as your h that is the best way to get rid of him.
I would love to have that man of your dreams that you described. He is out there my girlfriend has one. He is wonderful, just adores her. Would give her the skin off her back if she needed it. As wonderful as it is, it does come with many strings attached.
My H bag sat at the door for a very longtime, I didnt like it either. You have to try and understand that he still adores you and is more needy of you then you are of him. He is watching you and waiting for your direction. What do you want out of this relationship? What do you want? Dont accept anything less.
I had to set another boundry I thought I was finished. Mr.Selfish was being selfish again, being miserable so that our daughter was afraid to ask him for a ride home. I had to set another boundry, this is not acceptable behaviour. Yes I do get tired of having to guide the whole ship all the time. Someone has to do it. He accepted the boundry, The kids I told him come first. He said no I do. I said you come third I am last( But I am really first.) It went over well.
What I would do at this point is ask him for a weeks break, no contact at all. Set up a meeting place for a date and enjoy yourself like you are meeting this guy for the first time. I am rambling now, got to go. Good Luck Take care Loretta.
LL-your life is almost the same as mine, and I am comig to the same conclusions as you are. I am tired of waiting for someone who says he loves me but is not commited tome. WHO deserves that??? We deserve so much more than what we get-they throw us crumbs and we jump at them. It's pitiful acutally to let ourselves be treated in this way. They do it because we let them. We are afraid to let go. Let go of what. What do we have?? MEn who are afraid to commt and are afraid to leave. I ,like you WANT to be leoved and cherished. Who doesn't? Whats wrong with that? I feel so much like you right now. I do not want to live like this. I don;t know how muc longer I will take it. There is too much out there to have to live liek this. Rachael
I know my sitch is not exactly lile yours or Rachaels, but what kind of time frame do you think it should be to decide that you have had enough. I really ask this with all sincerity. If and when my h starts to say and act like he loves me and wants to work on our m, then I might be able to understand the time frame. Your h seems so unsure, is that wrong of him to feel that way, no, but if he can't totaly commit, then there are still unsolved problems on his part. If they really don't want the m, wouldn't they just leave once and for all?? I am just confused as to this process of getting everything fixed and back to a stable way of living. I long for all that you guys have, and yet you see me as having so much more.Oh if we could only wake up and it would all be different...Or maybe it is , but it is going so slow that we just can't see the progress!! Take care Sue
Quote: what kind of time frame do you think it should be to decide that you have had enough.
My H said to me on the weekend that he has to come back on his own, not from his mind but from his heart, in his time frame, not mine. So if we choose to wait that is what we have to do, they cannot be rushed.
Now as to our time frame..Myself I have set a date in my head, no one knows of this date but me, at this time I will figure out what I want to do. (wait some more or give up) This is my date and I can change it if I want without anyone knowing. A friend of mine that I have recently gotton closer to has told me of her situation with her H. (they have been separated for 4 years and are going for a divorce) She said their problems were in the marriage for a while, he had several affairs. She said they tried to repair their M, moved here, new jobs etc. but it got to the point where she knew it was over. She told me that I will know too if the time comes.
So the bottom line is, we will just know. So for now if we choose to "wait" we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it. Choosing to wait doesn't mean that we stop living, on the contrary we should get on with our lives. Let pride back into our lives and be proud that we are handling it, because we are. We can survive without them and we will if that is what is to be.
I don't know about your sitches, but in mine I am taking care of EVERYTHING, the cooking, cleaning, kids, appointments, homework&assignments(helping), work, finances etc. and I am doing it well! I can do this! I am proud that I AM coping, I'm not curled up in a ball somewhere. (I doubt that any of you are either) I am not "avoiding" anything, running away from anything, I am hitting it head on and I am surviving!
I woke up this morning with a sense of empowerment. I see what I have done and what I am capable of doing BY MYSELF! This is a great feeling. I may want my H back, but I don't NEED him. Feel like I'm turning a corner and it FEELS GOOOOD!
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
I can relate to what you're going through because I am going through the same process. When is enough enough? Have I really done everything to build a stronger marriage with my spouse? How will we know when it's time to finally move on?
The fact is - we are strong or are working towards that goal. We are capable. My C was taken by surprise when I mentioned that I am deserving of a marriage that is full of hope, optimism, passion and unconditional love and that I will have that someday. Preferably with my W - but I will have that kind of marriage regardless. It's really the first time that I have mentioned that I might be the one to make the choice to call it quits - that the choice does not exclusively belong to my W.
Spouses like mine run an inherent risk by sitting on the fence - thinking that love is just a feeling and waiting to see if that feeling comes back before committing to the marriage again. That risk is that IF the "feeling" comes back to them, we may not be around anymore - we will have chosen to move on with our lives just as we have chosen to love them unconditionally. It's a scary thought - but empowering at the same time. And we also have something that our spouses don't - a place like this to exchange thoughts and ideas, to give a sympathetic shoulder or a whack on the behind with a rhetorical 2X4.
I will - we will - come out of our respective situations fine regardless of the outcomes. We hope that it will be with our spouses. But we are strong and we will be fine...
Quote: I am deserving of a marriage that is full of hope, optimism, passion and unconditional love and that I will have that someday.
EXACTLY! Day 2 of my "enlightenment" and still feeling strong! This sitch has gotten me down for long enough! The quality of my life DOES NOT depend on whether my H comes back or not. If that happens great! But if not my life will still be great and someday I WILL find someone that WILL treat me as I should be treated, with unconditional love, hope, passion and RESPECT!
You have yourself a great day and take pride in all that you do and that you are surviving all of this!
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
Tina, I know this is not your thread, but wow, what a great attitude and inspiration, I am going to work with an uplifted feeling. I was glad to read your reply about what your h said. That is what I was wondering, we can't force them to come back with a time limit, but it is our choice as to when we decide that we can't wait. It might be months for some, maybe years for others. Have a great day Sue
Quote: there is currently a battle going on and it is not between the h and I. the battle is within me. I change my mind from day to day minute to minute. My heart wants him to come home but at times my mind says "what are you daft, you deserve better"
there are three ways I see my future: 1: h wakes up (grows up) comes home (slowlee) there is alot of work to do at getting "it" back but we do and things are great we enjoy eachother and the family and the home and our friends etc. 2: h does not come back, I live my life for me and my kids, go to school, make new friends, commit to no-one but me and enjoy life. 3: h does not come back, I live my life for me and my kids, go to school, make new friends, find someone who wants to share life with me. just to add, even if h comes back, I will still go back to school and make new friends and a life for myself! sept 4 2002
so this is where i was on sept 4, some few weeks later h seemed to "wake up" wanting to work on the m was sorry for all that he had done all the pain he caused everyone and wanted to make things right...
now two months later h is still not living in this home and the talking from him about the sit is less and less....he is battling himself... no it is not me being tested it is him...50% of the time he wants to be here the rest of the time he wants to be there (ow) now what I find utterly ridiculous is the fact that with me there is his home his children his family and friends and a life of memories we have spent vacations together and holidays and day trips and nights and days and bla bla bla with her.... 5 min phone calls each day and a few 30 min visits each week??? really tough choice ha!! with her there is a terminal illness her own divorce to get through (should she actually do it now the my h is waivering) her own two kids and all the baggage that will come with her... can't be a full time h to your own wife yet you think you can to this woman who you spent so little time with.. who knows what she'd act like after the first 30 min is up... hey any one can be nice and up beat for 30 min even and hour start spending 4 or 5 hours or even a day with her and suddenly you'll see she aint all that!!
I don't want to wait for this man... he is a child and knows nothing about what love and marriage is all about and if he doesn't know now he will probably never know and it is not fair to me or my children to go through this "waiting" for him do decide... If I truly move on and accept a life without him in it.... there will be no chance...I had started to let go as the sept 4 post shows... h decided to try... at that point I was still open to a "possibility" the way I am feeling now is good ridence... we don't need you... pay the bills visit the kids give me some time off and leave me the hell alone... I will be just fine without you... this you have taught me throughout the years by not really being there anyway!!
realize that it is you who will feel empty... you who will miss out on the family..you who will be lonley and alone... you who will live with guilt for leaving...you who will have thrown your life away for a chance....you who will wish you didn't...you who will look back at the family you once were welcomed to and wanted and you who will feel like an outsider a guest....
h you had a pocket full of quarters and you spent them all foolishly you now have but one...decide what slot you want to put that quarter in... give it to me and the children and I'll give you the key to the vault...give it to her or yourself and I'll never give you another dime towards my heart.
I've put up with your distance for years...all hiden behind your business...i've put up with the crap you've put me and the kids through for the past year....still welcome you when you realize you can't just walk away...I am not a sap...I will not sit and let you take more of my time while you figure things out...you have had pleantly of time.... for now you are still welcome to come to this house when you choose, spend time with me if you wish..if I'm around... I will continue with my book club, I am starting a ladies night with some women in town, I will continue to go out with my friends and live my life for me...and hey you better watch out cause if while I'm out some man wants to talk to me I will glady talk to him and if you continue down the path of indecisiveness....I may just run into a man who knows what he wants...not that I need a man..this you have taught me by not being there.
you think you have a headache now????? wait till you are no longer a part of my life... then you'll have the headache of wondering who i am with...if they are treating me well... and if I choose to spend my life with someone else you will then have the worry of are they treating the children right... will he treat me right and stay with me...oh and then you will also have the headach of ow if you choose to commit to her...you'll need to be there for her and her children spreading yourself very thin cause you'll still have to be there for your own children and your going to have to work even more cause you will have to support your own children and the wife you left behind in the home that you could have enjoyed but instead you will be working hard each day to pay for it while you either go live in another mans home with his children or just go back and forth to your little appartment...
honestly the way I feel about h right now... if I did not have these two beautiful babies... I would have filed a long long time ago...I would not put up with this immmiture behavior from h. no he is not out partying (well except for the beer he drinks at football time) he is working and sleeping... he is just torn between the woman he loves and has a family with and the woman he thinks he connects with. he has had long enough to decide.
and right now "whatever" is about all I can say.
h knows exactly how I feel, some of what you read here is just my thoughts and some of it is very much what I have said to h.
db or not db, I don't really care anymore.. I will be just fine without h... is not the way I want things for my kids (they are only 3 and 1) but I am not going to teach them anything good by hanging onto a man who isn't sure... time to get on with my life... h has less than a month to make a descision!!
ll, you have a good attitude as far as i can see. you are coming from strength, maturity. you are not desperate or needy. that is huge. it took me almost four years to get where you are. for almost four years my h waffled, romantasized the single life. had one foot in and one out of our marraige. always on the lookout for a reason out. i was made so needy and desperate for his crumbs. we both lost respect for me. once i got strength it wasn't long before h noticed and started to self-reflect. it seems your h is coming around. he is probably so afraid to make a mistake. little can he see the biggest mistake he is making is by what he is not doing. when the time comes to let him go, you will know. it is usually at this time our s feels changes in their hearts. i remember telling h that i would not sit around and wait for him to choose, i was moving ahead with my life. he could see by the way i was living that was the truth. he said he didn't want to give me hope as he had hurt me so much already. i ignored that comment. i said my hope and my life belong to me. if you decide that you want this marraige you can talk to me about it and we will see where i am with that then. the shock of seeing me so strong and taking control had a huge impact on him. i had reached the end of my rope and had to take a stand. but i knew i still loved him and had hope of us working it out. i did not lock the door on him just closed it. i spoke without anger or blame. just doing what i had to do for my sanity. i totally respect any decision you make. lisa
