Nice to see you and get your pespectives on M and R last night.
I can't say that I understand your feelings of frustration, since this is indeed hard for anyone in your shoes. I am glad that you shared that with us on this BB than directly hit your H. I hope you have felt tiny little bit better than this morning.
I do want to point out two things from a male perspective: First, something actually worked in the past year or so since things were bad. The most recent example, in my mind, is that he would honor your request to leave some clothes at your house. Asking what you want is a step in DR, isn't it? Don't forget this technique.
The reason I wanted to say that is that it struck me that your H is actually a sensitive man, even though his actions do not necessary meet your needs and wants of being loved. Remember last Sunday, he did not want to come to your house because he wanted to be a noble person, not just coming home for intimacy? He actually cares about your feelings; otherwise he would just had a good time and leave you and your family behind.
But according to your description right now, it seems to me that it is a communication problem between you two, not entirely commitment issue. Take his clothes for example, when he was thrown out of the door, who packed his stuff and let him go? He may still feel a strong emotion regarding his stuff so he also wanted to be cautious before he brings them back. I think it already goes beyond his comfort zone to do his laundry at your house already. Without your request, he may never be able to take that step to bring his stuff back by himself.
Another example is his Sunday night out. I don't think that is a battle you will ever win, so I would say whether you want to pick this one as your battle? It could take a very candid conversation between you two about his Sunday night out. You two may have to compromise with some sort of arrangement, like he hangs out with his buddies every other week or you do some party thing at your house. That is an unfortunate reality that we always have to compromise, no matter who you have an R.
Finally, I can only say it is your choice what to do with the feelings like the disconnection between you two that he failed to take care but became invovled in another woman. It is a difficult sitch since I see you in love with your H but those damange he did was deep and hard to ignore. The only thing I could say is that you need to find peace within yourself. Otherwise, even though he were to come back and completely commit to you tonight, you would still have those ill feelings towards him. That would be a step of forgiveness. Talking about this issue with your H would help if you still want to take him back. I see that the timing of this conversation may be approaching as he works his way back; you may want to gradually find an opportunity to talk about this subject.
Eventually, it is your call how to settle those feelings of yours. You can work with him, or you can close yourself out and walk away.
Jen, I hope I am not invalidating your feelings today, since I realized by now that I have been pretty good at it with my W. Truly, keep sharing with us those frustration but don't act on it yet. You are a strong woman knowing what you want, so choose your course of actions wisely to meet your goals.
