Really none of my business, but is she on any medication? Not trying to be funny, I am serious. My W had to go on Zoloft, it helps control her anxiety and her depression. If she isn't I would have her see someone. No-one should act so ????? I don't even know how to describe her behavior. I would like to know(seriously) what kind if person she was when you met her. Was this typical behavior? I'm sorry if I have offended you, but I am very concerned.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Not at the moment. She used to be on Zoloft, but went off it when she was pregnant. Hasn't been on it since then. Her anti-depresent of choice these days is OM, and since she hasn't been in contact with him (to my knowledge) she has been significantly more depressed.
She was not "this kind of person" when I met her. It developed over time. Once the affair started, she started to blame everything on me and the marriage. Things got worse and worse.
She is seeing a therapist. I don't think the therapist is addressing significant issues. I also think she's reinforcing my W's thinking that the relationship is implicated in her depression. She had issues with depression starting very early on in her life. She never resolved them. Now she focuses on the relationship as the cause of it rather than what she can personally control - her choices.
No offense taken, btw.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle I have posted a question about V-day. I need some imput from you as it has really helped me in the past three months. It in my post here in infidelity. Thanks friend.
Well, I can tell you that if the therapist is reinforcing the depression as a M problem, I think the therapist needs a swift kick in the a$$. But depression should not make a person react to things the way she does. I think she needs the zoloft again, because there is a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed. She acts as if the things you do are obscene and cruel, Thats not someone in thier right frame of mind. I don't mean to be harsh but sometimes I read that you are taking her negativity to heart. You sound like a great person, with a wonderful heart. I would have a hard time believing that you could hurt a fly(not insulting your manhood), I just mean you sound like a very intelligent person with the heart of gold. She needs some help and I hope she can find it somewhere. I will pray for you tonight, Be strong my friend.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Her reality is her reality, which is, as you point out, heavily influenced by her subjectivity. I believe that she believes what she does about me because there's a payoff to it, not because she's "crazy". Yes, I acknowledge that she's depressed and their are chemical issues, but it's not everything, and it's not all in her perception.
I'm not a bad guy, I'm not doing her wrong or harm in any purposeful way. But my actions can cause her pain, regardless of my intentions. I think this is a given in a relationship, and this is why direct communication is critical - otherwise you believe your own judgment, which often assumes the other person intentionally hurt you. I think this is particularly an issue in my M. If W feels something negative, I must have caused it. Even if I didn't intend it on a conscious level, she sees some malicious intent on a subconscious level. I don't think I'm passive aggressive, but apparently she does.
I think that one of the things that I have trouble with is wanting some influence over the sitch. In so doing, it's somewhat desirable to acknowledge personal problems that I have that impact our M because if I have problems, I can solve them. If the problems are all in my W, I can't solve them. So I'm torn between seeing the problems in me or in my wife. I sometimes take on more than I should, and I sometimes see the responsibility in my W more than I should.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
But you made a comment that you asked where payless was and she through a fit for the rest of the day. ???????? What is payless a store that she is offended to go into, or is she pissed because you asked for directions? I don't see a point in being so immature that you asking a legitimate question, could anger her for the day.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I hope I'm not being mean here. I just know how it can be sometimes. My W can be immature and blow up over some stupid little comment. She has an anger in her that comes out for just the smallest reason, with no explaination. I think the best thing is to get to the root of the problem. If her therapist isn't helping, she needs a new one, or she is feeding them full of B.S. and she doesn't want to fix her problem.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
My asking the cashier where Payless was embarrassed my W. It doesn't really matter whether or not it's reasonable that she was embarrassed, she was. The trouble with this situation in my perspective is that she held her feelings against me. She held me responsible for feeling the way she did when the truth is, it is her internal world that created those feelings. I may have catalyzed something, but those feelings are hers.
I believe this is a real key point in her own personal stuff - the fact that she tries to escape her feelings by avoiding uncomfortable situations rather than accepting herself and learning to move beyond her feelings. She seems to trap herself in a negative emotive cycle once she has experienced a negative emotion, and I am somehow contributing to this just by being there.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Hey, I can't believe you are talking about this Muddle - that's exactly when H and I talked about with the C yesterday. C confronted H about avoiding confrontation by changing the subject, deflecting it onto something else, anything to avoid having to deal with the emotion/feelings whatever. Of course, H didn't like the idea that he was being questioned (one of his real pet peeves) but at least I got some validation that I am not an idiot and am justified in thinking like I have been - i.e. I am NOT responsible for his feelings, and I do deserve to have some answers, regardless of whether or not it makes him feel uncomfortable.
As for asking where Payless was - I can't believe she would get so upset about such a little thing. So what? You didn't know where Payless was, big friggin deal!
That's my 2 cents worth
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
That was more than 2 cents, I agree. I know you are dealing with it the right way, I just like when people make me think about the sitch more in depth. It makes me realize other ways to figure out how to deak with my problems. I hope I am helping, you have helped me a great deal and we have a long road ahead of us.
Please tell me if I over step any boundries.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
