Wow. That is a cool story. I'm sure our departed loved ones keep an eye out for us and let us know in some way that they still love us as much as we love them. Feb 14 then is a significant day for you, and I'm just glad that things are working out - it makes it that much more special.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
What you focus on expands! I choose to focus on only good things. I have put the past behind me. What's done is done and there is nothing that can change it. I look at it as a HUGE life lesson; I wouldn't be where I am today without all that I have been thru. I will no longer take anyone or anything for granted and I will treat my H, my kids, my family and my friends the way that I would like to be treated.
I wish all that are passing thru this website love and happiness!
Please check up on me once in a while and just keep posting all those wonderful and positive thoughts you have! You are setting the example for us all. And I too, am trying to learn from my mistakes and trying to accept those I love for who they are and just treat them lovingly at all times.
Choice is a powerful action. I forgot that I need to choose to be happy, and to be all of the positive things that are missing in my R's with my W and kids.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Wow!!! I'm glad to see that huge PMA!!!!! In Time magazine (Jan 29th) there's a large article called "The Brain; a Users Guide." Unfortunately I only had a chance to skim it, but I believe there was research indicating that thinking positive or negative actually affects the brain. I'll have to read it further when I get some time.
So keep up the positive thoughts!!! They help maintain a healthy brain!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am choosing to post this on your thread and not my own because it think it may apply.
Two nights ago, Sunday night, my W had too much to drink. I know we have covered this issue a million times on my threads and it's something that we are working on in our marriage. If my W has a real drinking problem, well, that's something she will have to get help for eventually, and I will support her.
Anyway, she had too much to drink and ended up sleeping on the couch. This has never really happened. When I got up to get the kids and myself ready to leave, she was still crashed. I quickly took stock of the situation and realized that it represented a very visceral point in the way things were going, and could go from here. I am VERY aware of anything I may do to enable her to drink irresponsibly (i.e. when she has to get up to take the kids to school in the morning) but I am also aware of my lack of control over her...as am I finally aware of the fact that how I behave, how I react COULD, in some way, influence the situation.
I thought about the past and how many times I have blown up in a similar situation. I thought about how many times I blew up for much less. I thought about how many times I got angry for things that were not really even worth it, or deserving of my anger.
While I thought that I was NOT responsible for things that were done on her part, I was responsible for a lot of the tension that followed. I needed to detach from this behavior, and in some way, if I am going to be honest, I did feel a bit like making up for my past transgressions.
So, I decided to approach this situation from the 180 of how I "normally" would, i.e. with anger, disdain and sense of superiority.
I decided to be kind, loving and just move on with my day. I left her sleeping, got the kids ready and when it was just about time for me to leave, asked her if she wanted me to take them, which I do from time to time but I always make an issue of it because I am usually late to work when I do. She said no, that she'd handle it, but I told her it would be no problem, that she'd had a rough night and I would take them, no drama. She said that would be nice and went back to sleep.
Later that day, work was slow so I decided that I would take the rest of the day off. I called her to ask her if she wanted me to come home and she was taken aback. She sometimes asks me to do this if she's feeling sick or when she used to have her anxiety attacks. I usually resisted, but today, I just decided to anticipate that after such a bad night, she may want company. At first, later she would say how genuinely surprised by my offer, she declined. She said she felt fine. I said "Ok, call me if you change your mind."
I ended up calling her back and said "Just to be clear, that was an offer to come home. Things are slow and I just thought you may want to have some company." She said sure and asked me to bring lunch for us too. I got home and she asked me in a very serious tone "So, what's wrong?"
You see, to this point, QUITE unlike me (Mama, I am like you, I can't seem to NOT talk about things) I had not even made one little comment about her drinking or sleeping on the couch. I'm SURE she expected me to lay into her. Instead, I just smiled and said "Nothings wrong. I just thought after last night, you may not be feeling so hot so I decided to come home and keep you company. You have asked me to do that in the past..."
She gave me a big hug, said no more and we had a nice afternoon on the couch watching movies.
Neither of us said a word about the night before but later on she seemed to make a big display of taking the remaining wine from the fridge and dumping it down the drain. I got the message.
Anyway, all day/night she seemed to be VERY happy to have me around and VERY happy not to have to answer the same attacks I have leveled on her 1000 times before.
When this kind of thing happened in the past, it would ALWAYS, 100% of the time, end up being a VERY angry scene, with both of us getting angry and resentful of the other. I would say, these confrontations (sure, honestly a fruit of her drinking habit to be sure) have been a MAJOR problem in our marriage. I decided to try to end the cycle as a place to start working on the core issues.
This relates, Mama, to your idea that your H may feel afraid to talk to you or come home. I think my W feels the same way and my little experiment seemed to prove that.
I reacted with love instead of venom and in return, I got love instead of resentment. Does that mean the original "problem" is gone? I doubt it but I do know that my reacting the same old way to the same old situations is not doing either of us any good. I had to decide to be happy and just live, love and let things/my W have a chance to sort themselves out. I realize that some of the issues she has may need more support/pushing/love/professional help than I can give right now, but that's a bridge to cross when she walks up to it. Until then, I am going to try a change of course, one that I think may make me much happier...and allow her some breathing room.
It's, as usual, a damn fine line between enabling certain behaviors and letting go of control but in my case, and maybe yours, it's necessary to do something different.
I am with OT, I don't think it's necessary to compromise our needs or desires any more than it's necessary to constantly undermine our own goals with anger and unnecessary drama.
Either fish or cut bait and I guess we can't complain about not catching a fish every 5 minutes if we decide to take that new boat out for a spin.
Good for you!!! I'm sure OT will hop on here eventually and disagree with your actions and tell you that you are enabling her drinking but that is not the way I see it.
1. Yes, your wife may or may not have a drinking problem BUT it is her problem. The more you tell her that she has a problem the more she will resent you and rebel like a teenager.
2. She probably dreaded getting up because then she would have to face your anger. You really broke the cycle when you called her to see if she would like your company. That is great!!
The way I see it, is you have to put yourself in their shoes sometimes and I know for a fact that I would hate to be grilled and chastised for every little thing that I did. No one wants to be treated that way. You treated your W with love and compassion, three cheers to you!
I may or may not be enabling my wife's possible drinking problem but I KNOW I am currently enabling myself to be happy. I am not in denial about our "issues" but my approach thus far in our marriage has led to a lot of unhappiness and I don't want any more of that.
I know there is something to be said for calling this the "stick your head in the sand" approach but I don't see it as that. I know what the problems are and I choose to react in the way I am. I don't pretend there is no problem at all.
I am totally comfortable with how I handled that, even more so because I think it represents maybe the most powerful 180 I have ever done and that feels good to me.
Thanks OT. I kinda figured you'd see it that way. No matter. At this point, while I am surely NOT saying I don't need any help, I am in a place where I feel pretty comfortable doing what I think is right for my marriage. Getting angry, in most any situation, because my W or kids don't act the way I expect them to is NOT going to help.
My W clearly has issues that we may have to work through together and I think the first step in doing that is to let her see that no matter what, I am going to be WITH her, not against her. So far, when it comes to certain issues, she probably feels that I am anything but supportive of her, and rightfully so.
Mama, I know where you are coming from with your recent decisions. I think you owe it to yourself to do what you feel is right so long as it's based on fully acknowledging what the facts are and choosing to take or not take certain actions. You have to live with the situation as it is, not any of us. We are here to help, advise and comfort you if need be but as you already know, we can't live your life for you.
I think you taking steps to make yourself happy and improve your situation so far as you alone can do so is the right path. Your H will either join you in that endeavor or not.
In my opinion, he seems pretty MLC right now and maybe he just isn't ready to get to the level you want him to be at but I do believe that if you can manage to maintain your positive momentum, it will go a long way towards ensuring not only your happiness but also in helping him see what a wonderful woman he's letting slip away.
