I'll second oldtimer.. have you set goals to move forward?
Have you heard of Dave Ramsey and his programs? There's a lot you can do on your own to help with the money sitch.
I understand your wild swings Mama..I really do. Even to the point of giving it a breather after a backslide. Just please don't allow his reactions and anger to keep you from working to solve problems or communicate. Trust me.. we had 4 years of sweeping issues under the rug and looking happy. These things do rear their ugly heads if not addressed in some way.
I think we need to learn to expect a little cycling in the first year or two following an A and or separation. The trick is to try and minimize the intensity of those swings and not get too carried away with the whole thing. Try to look at it objectively and rationally.
One thing I've learned is that giving love without expectations regardless of where a relationship is can feel really good. It also seems to defuse a lot of potentially difficult situations. One more thing that has helped me.... 10mg of Celexa.... I started it in the middle of the divorce and it has made a dramatic difference (and I thought I was the most well-adjusted person on the planet!). I figure I'll stay on this small little dosage for a year or two and hopefully it will help me through the worst parts of piecing at this point.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi All, Thank you so much for keeping track of me, I really appreciate it. I love this board, I really do, but sometimes I let it influence my actions and I do things that are not right for me and my sitch. I haven'e heard of Dave Ramsey but I will check it out. As far as our money sitch it really boils down to earning more and spending less. I have increased my hours to six days/nights a week. While I definitely don't like being away from my family so much it is something that I must do at this time to increase our income.
Yes, H would like everything swept under the rug I guess but until I am approachable he will never "talk" to me about what has been going on the past year. I want to feel good every day, I am so done being angry, sad and bitter; it literally makes me sick. 2007 is all about me now! Ever since we had kids I have always put myself last; while I thought that was what as Mom was supposed to do I now realize it is wrong cause if Mom is not happy, no one is happy.
Hi Mama Do you think it would help if you list the things you've done that have worked and not worked for your sitch? You're definately right that your H has to feel comfortable approaching you if he's going to talk. Do you think for now that means you have to just let the issues be and work on trust for awhile? What's the plan for feeling good and stomping out that anger and bitterness?
I'm glad you've decided to live 2007 for you and put yourself first. That's a positive step.. and yes, a smallish stick is coming your way. How do you feel about working more hours and being away from your family while H is continuing his gambling and staying out? I'm not asking that to stir up negative feelings, but am just worried that you might resent it unless you've truly made peace with it and decided it's OK for now. It seems you resolve to be happy with how things are and then it builds over time until you lay it on the line with H and feel like you can't go on the way things are. I see that cyle in your R.. I've lived and still do live that cycle to a certain extent. It's a cheeseless tunnel and won't make you more approachable, it ends up making you unpredictable. I don't know how your H feels about it, but J responds by withdrawing and feeling like he can't trust me. One day I'm happy, and then the next when I've stuffed enough that it bubbles over, he is confronted in a less than loving way. I'm working on this by dealing with my feelings and it's helping. I don't always talk to J about them, but when I need to I do it before I've "had enough" and it turns into a confrontation. Mostly, journalling is helping me to vent and decide a course of action before I take it and backslide too much.
How do you feel about working more hours and being away from your family while H is continuing his gambling and staying out
For now, I have decided to let it be. H knows how I feel about it, I have told him a dozen times. To me it seems like a cheeseless tunnel because he has decided to continue doing it. In the end I cannot control his actions, he alone can do that. H has a very addictive personality, and yes he is addicted to scratch off tickets. Therefore, for now I will try to earn more and adjust our spending to accomodate this. Worrying about it only makes it worse so I am taking action.
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One day I'm happy, and then the next when I've stuffed enough that it bubbles over, he is confronted in a less than loving way.
Yes, this was me. Not anymore. As I said, I am now going to do things for myself and that includes being responsible for my own happiness. Do I want H to share in my happiness? Absolutely. Is H happy? Only he knows the answer to that. I will contribute to his happiness though. I will do things loving things for him because it makes me feel good. I will wake up everyday and choose not to be unpredictable, I will thank the stars above that I am alive and healthy and make it a good day.
WOW!!! first off, I wanted to thank you so much for coming to my thread last week to offer such wonderful advice, which I took! thank you for always caring on this ride....mine is coming to an end....but I remember all these days we haev know each other and supported, it has meant so much.
It's wonderful to see how far you have come and how much you have grown. I know that things with H are still not perfect and lots of holes, but you have grown so much. To simply realize that you will make yourself happy, you will be responsible for that is AMAZING. I draw a lot of strength from your patience and rational thinking!
Piglet and Always, Again, thanks for stopping by and keeping up with me. It means so much to have friends who care!
It is amazing how nice things can be when you change your attitude and your self talk from negative to positive. I worked quite a bit this weekend so H and I didn't have much time together but when we did it was very pleasant. He is very loving, considerate and caring and I am grateful for that!
Valentine's Day is our 13th Anniversary, by the way and I know it will be a good one this year
Actually, we met on Valentines Day and fell instantly for eachother, we were engaged 6 months later and decided to marry on the following Valentines Day! Feb. 14th was my Grandma's birthday and after she died I always felt her presence, like she was my guardian angel. So, I always thank her for bringing H into my life.
Do you think it would help if you list the things you've done that have worked and not worked for your sitch? 