well wifes back. You were all correct a nightmare

[imLIN]

I did....because I wasn't sure when things might get to that point....of even IF they would EVER....to have asked before the fact would have been assuming and probably would have sent my H running if he wasn't even thinking of going THERE yet....
So I just stayed prepared for the "what if"....

[ACJ]

After a previous split with my H I made a similar mistake to Nick. My H had made it very clear he wanted sexual relations with me again and as a healthcare professional I felt very comfortable asking him to go for a STD check. I could tell by the look on his face that he had NEVER considered this an issue. I'd like to think that this was b/c he never had unprotected sex with the OW he had at that time. Thankfully I am not that naive. My H hates condoms with a vengenance! Anyway he went and had the test. I wanted us to go together. I knew I had nothing to hide b/c I haven't slept with anyone else since meeting H 20 years ago. He said he wanted to go alone b/c he knew I had nothing to hide and also to save me the embarrassment. Nearly 2 years on and 6 months after he left for the second time I found out that there had been more than one OW in the past. So obviously his true motivation for going alone was so that I did not find out this fact at the time. I NEVER considered that then.

So to sum up my ramble. What I am trying to say is yes, a test is imperative to protect your own health BUT a lot of hard work and trust rebuilding needs to happen before it should take place. If this means protected sex (or probably more sensible) no sex then so be it. IF the returning spouse truly wants to work on the whole M and not just on sexual relations they will understand and take things at a pace you can deal with. The same should go for the LBS.

[fig]

just adding my own littel .02 in here. I would maybe not ask her to have a test but I def. wouldn't have sex with her until she did. If she loves you, it would be something she would do on her own...without being told to.

LSS had numerous affairs during our time together, none that I knew about and obviously wasn't safe because I tested myself after he left.

I agree with Bworl...you need to build a new relationship and then when that relationship is established, you would want to have that talk.

Jack is correct...it's a health care issue and if you have children, it's also something even a little deeper. So, I wouldn't be having sex until a new relationship was established.

[nickfromtheuk]

Oh Lissett your always so brutally honest with me.

But your right again I don't seem to have learned much. It's so hard. My wife is the only woman I have known sexually and as far as I know the same applied until the mlc. Its a strange one and although I'm sure its an mlc I'm confident this is going to be the only time she will stray unless of course we don't make it and she goes on the dating merrygoround. I downloaded an e book on affairs and it made a lot of sense.

My wife had this affair partly because I spent 25 years papering over my lack of sexual drive (low testosterone) by cracking jokes about not liking sex. I did this for so long my wife actually believed me. She thought I got her pregnant with our youngest son so I could keep her tied to the kitchen sink. i don't know where she gets all these idea's from. I'm sure OM has had a roll and I'm also sure I must have projected something to make her feel I was like this. I know part of the mlc thing makes them think the lbs is some sort of control freak but however hard I try I just cant see it.

I know I'm not very good at dbing lissett but I am trying. I'm still at the stage where I cry out to God constantly when I'm on my own. I never thought it was possible for someone to feel such grief for so long but even now as I type I feel so.... I don't know I cant describe it in words. Its a kind of utter emptiness, a pain that wont go away. I just know it wont go away yet and it clouds my judgment in everything I do. Sometimes it drives me mad, sometimes to despair.

Its very hard living with her at the moment. She is opening up a little and I know i'm supposed to stop R talk and I am trying I promise. I put one 3 stone in a month due to the anti depressant's I was taking but thankfully I have got down to 13 stone now. Just a couple more to go and I wont feel so fat. I've joined the gym and I'm trying to work on me. I just feel so ugly and unatractive. Thats probably a result of the affair but its how you feel.

By the way the e book says exactly the same things as michelle in her DB books regarding yourself and not talking about the R so I am trying I promise.

I'll get back an answer everyone else but thanks guys for stoping by and giving your advice. I promise you I do appreciate it and it is sinking in slowely honestly.

Nick.

[Smurf_SMR]

I'm still at the stage where I cry out to God constantly when I'm on my own. I never thought it was possible for someone to feel such grief for so long but even now as I type I feel so.... I don't know I cant describe it in words. Its a kind of utter emptiness, a pain that wont go away. I just know it wont go away yet and it clouds my judgment in everything I do. Sometimes it drives me mad, sometimes to despair.

Its very hard living with her at the moment. She is opening up a little

Nick

I don't know I cant describe it in words. Its a kind of utter emptiness, a pain that wont go away.

You describe it very well, and I think everyone on this board will relate to this pain, even now 3 years on, I feel it again today.

I just want to prepare you for the long haul.

Its very hard living with her at the moment. She is opening up a little

And it will get worse before it gets better!

Do not make the same mistake as I have by analysing and hoping. It is very hard living with someone in MLC, the selfishness, childishness and down right rudeness. Then the moments of normality.

My wife is still darting into rooms, closing doors, generaly avoiding me and speaking in monotones. It is a veeeery long process.

I waited a long time, before I truly GAL, this I regret, there is a big wide world out there, embrace it while you wife is giving you the chance to.

Another thing I ask of you is, only when you have the luxury of HER wanting back in the relationship, then is the time to make demands. Any demands before she is ready will only push her away.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Nick,

RE-READ Smurf's last paragraph. Commit it to memory.
Until SHE wants to come back make NO demands. Even then they are not demands but conditions. You will push her away with demands prior to her wanting to come back, and you will only justify her actions with them.