Here's what i posted over in Divorced but not done : Hello divorce busters I have been away from here for a few months and had not thought I would return. Sad to say I gave up the fight. I decided to focus entirely on me and my boys. I decided to work on moving on and getting over my soon to be ex. I have been this way for months now. My sitch was a rocky one but not uncommon. It went a little like this. We have been together for eleven years married seven last July. We have a 10 year old and a 4 year old. Teen parents and married when she was a senior in high school. Last June we were in bad debt and decided that she would get a job because now it wouldn't just go to paying for daycare. I was happy and I thought she was too. In the training for the job she met a man who was sepperated from his wife but wouldn't give her a divorce because of a large alimony payment she would recieve. This man and her talked a lot and met a few times. On our seventh wedding anniversary she told me she was unhappy and had met someone. She said they were just friends but she was intrigued by him and felt she needed time to think and be away from me. I was floored. I hadn't seen this coming. I thought that we had made it through some very tough times and had the light at the end of the tunnel starting to shine. Our goals could be achieved with two incomes. A house, new vehicle, security all the debt stress relieved. Instead she wanted a divorce and me out of the apartment. I moved into my parent's house and am still here. I had the first bad ideas wtih begging and crying and pleading which worked as well as we all know. Things got cloudier in my sitch. The reason she had for leaving me was unclear. She made the other man out to be nothing more than a friend and i didn't buy it. One day I went to drop off the kids and pick up some stuff at the appt. I found a box of condoms and she said never mind those. None of my buisness. I was of course mad. I wasn't mad she had condoms or sex. I was mad about the lies. Later that night I let her know how I felt and she confessed that they had thought about having sex but she couldn't. She said she didn't know why but it wasn't there for her. She said that she had left me because of the lack of sexual attraction to me and that she felt once that was gone it could never come back. I of course thought i could prove her wrong. I begged for another chance to prove to her that i could be the lover she wanted. She agreed relucantly. It was doomed from the start. It was the worst sex I have ever had. She agreed. That night only added to the questions I had about her feeling and the stories she told me and others. She had told me she had been unhappy in our marriage for years and felt this way for a long time. What I didn't understand was how I couldn't feel it any embraces or why the sex wouldn't have been more like the failed attempt. That night she reacted to my touch like I was the creepiest thing she ever had to touch. If she felt this way for years why wouldn't I have felt that before. If she couldn't hide it now how could she before. I now understand it has to do with resentment and my lack of the understanding of emotional needs females desire like males desire physical needs. Our relationship had become the I give too much, you never give enough or exactly what I want. A good case of crystal clear hindsight. I can say that I now have a clear understanding of what I need to do to have a full reationship with a woman and I still wish that woman was her. I have not let her know that now for three months but it is still there. I have no way of breaking this desire for her and I don't care to. I know to just go on loving her silently. In mid January I lost my job. It was another surprise but something I had little control over. I know that I can handle this though because compared to the loss of a wife this is minor. A week after I lost my job my W lost hers. She didn't take it as well as I did. She hadn't had the previous experience with bombs that i did. She is devastated. She is lost. She feels hopeless. She couldn't believe what was happening. She didn't know if she could go on or what to do. I thought wow, I've heard all of this before. She called me often to beg for money. I didn't accomodate. I made it clear that I wouldn't be the one to look for this help from. I wanted her to see how it felt. I wanted her to glimpse at the pain and loss i had to overcome. I didn't want her to come back. I wanted her to get exactly want she wanted in July. Me out of her life. I wanted her to know that she couldn't have it both ways. I grew cold. She grew desparate and angry at times blaming me. HA Well then yesterday happened. She couldn't pay the daycare provider (who is her best friend) so she turned to me. I got mad again and said all you call me for is money. All we talk about is what you need and I have to accomodate. What about you? She asked me what I wanted and I said sex. She said ok. I was blown away. Of course I was ready for it since it's been four months. I am at a loss about what to do now. The sex was great GREAT! and she agreed with me. She said she was suprised at the fact it wasn't awkward or repulsive but hot and fulfilling. Of course we didn't even talk about what it meant for us. We did talk about how it felt exchanging money for sex and I told her that was not the case. I told her that I felt weak in her need for money and she felt weak in my need for sex. She said whatever. I know she was only doing me a favor and that she had the money on her mind when agreeing to this but afterwards she told me she enjoyed it and wanted to do it again sometime. Again I was shocked. She has been very honest with me and warmer than she's been in half a year. I can say I want to take off like a rocket but know that I have to hide every feeling and supress every desire and let her make these moves. If you didn't understand or i didn't explain my W is in a midlife crisis state of mind. She hangs out with friends seven years younger and responsibility free. She thinks she missed something that everyone should experience being single. She wants to give up all she has to be single and free and every one of her friends what to give up all thay have to find a man. Why they don't get through to her I don't know but i can speculate it has to do with denial and resentment and that feeling of missing something. I decided to write on here to show anyone who thinks it is over and there is no hope don't give up. Focus on the things you can change in your life and find happiness within. You never know where things will go or where you end up but as long as you are happy with your own company you'll be fine.
