Ok a lot of folks are saying to me and her that once that physical attration is gone it's gone. Me i feel that it is just like the love but not in love thing. You fell in love and out of love and the attraction has been the victim. I think in knowing what it takes to be attracted to someone not just being a pure physical thing and having a real emotional side it could come back. Attraction grows on people all the time. If you are not completely attracted to someone but find there is more than the outer beauty it grows. Can this not be true when you have lost it and lost love? This seems to be the biggest hurdle my W faces and she doesn't want to jump because the council she keeps is in a similar arrangement. Only on the other side. I still know she will be mine though. I will not give up! Ha god Bless
I think the loss of attraction thing is something that generally has to do with one's feeling about themselves. I think early on in a relationship, you like the way you feel and attribute it to the other person, and you associate all of your good feelings for yourself with particular personal attributes the other person has. The idea is that these attributes inspire the feelings within you. I don't think it really works this way, although there's a good deal of the chemistry of interactions that have a lot to do with how one feels about themselves. So, once the relationship moves out of stage 1, the ego boost and the chemical high the person is on is gone. The feelings that were once associated with traits don't exist, or aren't sustained for very long anymore. It is up to each person to maintain their good feelings in general (happiness) and if they can't because of depression or low selfesteem, they are likely to start associating the personal traits of their partner with the negative feelings they now maintain about their life and selves. So, in some senses, if you both maintain a stimulating life and also a happy outlook on that life and your selves, the ability to remain attracted comes naturally. Once one gives up this outlook and allows their life to become something they aren't happy with (or allows themselves to become unhappy about what their life has become) I think it takes a great deal of personal introspection and honesty to be able to recognize that the lack of attraction stems to the other stems from a lack of good feeling for one's self. Once corrections are made regarding the causes of the unhappiness, and the happiness itself, I think attraction will return, or it will be realized that it never left at all.
This is the general problem with relationships: there is so much of one's personal state of being that's attributed to the other person, as if there's some power they hold over you. The mirror effect causes you to see your unhappiness and faults as the fault of the other. It's the idea that if you don't feel love, it's because you're not giving enough. If you're no longer attracted to the other person, it's quite possibly due to you realizing that you are not as attractive as you would like to be and your spouse knows you as the real you - not the way they did when you were in the stage 1 relationship. You can't really be attracted unless you are attractive yourself - in a way you genuinely believe, not just the superficial. You can't love another unless you love yourself.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Tonight on the way home from work I decided to call my W and chat. I thought after all that happened these past days an emotional breakthrough in our sitch the time for a more active role in her life. I had gave her the space she wanted for a while and when she had agreed to try again and test the water I feel I can test them too. So we talked about her day and how work was going. I made sure to be attentive and ask the questions that kept the conversation flowing. Well she talked and talked the whole drive home and I had to tell her I had to go. I think it was good. She has told me that we needed to work on being friends and I think that this is a way to show her I care. And a book showed me that when a woman feels cared for and adored it really creates attraction. And attraction is what she says she doesn't have for me anymore. The thing I like about the converations are that she doesn't stop, that she really lets it out the stress of work and the boys and even the money issues she faces (that she said were mine). Another thing was there was no talk about us and our sitch. She also has made plans for us to go out with the boys for Halloween stuff two night in a row. I am glad I called her. I will do it again soon. Tomorrow though is PARTY TIME!!! College football is on and it is a huge game here for us. You can see the game on ABC at eleven and see a ton of my friends there. A nice thing about it is my W has to work and won't be able to see a bit of the game. I think she will call me to discuss it after work. Just like the baseball game last night. I am getting a really positive vibe from the last weeks strugles. Keep up the good fight. God Bless
Well its been a long time since I wrote on here. To be honest I have had a lot to think about. I have felt that this was over and I was moving on. Now I think I need to get back into the DBing hardcore. I have had a lot of contact with my W over the Halloween holiday and the last couple days because of my youngest's B-day. My W has a stalker and it is scaring her and really pissing me off. The guy is a tride and true nut. I wish it changed our sitch but it hasn't. I am scared of what this guy knows. he seems to have a knack for getting info off the net. he knows where she works and her cell number so I can only assume he knows where she lives. Talk about a helpless feeling. She still won't let me back into the appt. Well Halloween was a good time and I dressed up and went downtown after we went around the neighborhood with the boys. This got her interested. I kept it mysterious. I had fun as well. She had the boys. Monday was my boys fourth birthday and she took it off to be with him. She called me around 8 am say she was coming to get him and then asked me if I wanted to go with her to a museum in a city an hour away. i said sure. When we got there the kids museum was closed so we decided to go to a big mall and see what was there. My boy was in heaven. he was so happy to be with us together. I could see his excitement the whole time. I tried to not talk about us but it came up and we got some things out but kept it light. I really think she had fun. When we got back in town I asked her what she was going to do with the boys for the rest of the day. She said she didn't know and asked me if I wanted to come along with them. i said sure and we picked up my boy from school and went to a park. On the way there we talked some more. She kept saying how I needed to get la*d and how she could hook me up. I said i agreed i did want to have sex but just with her. She said no way. I dropped it. When we got to the park she wanted to play and All of a sudden tag I was it. We spent the next hour playing and laughing and running and touching. It was like a date all over again because there was no kissing or hugging although she didn't object when i tagged her on the butt. After the park we took the boys to a place like Chucky Cheese's and had a little b-day meal. Again she had a great time like a fun date teasing and laughing. When we got to my house she came in and again we talked and this was when it got heavy. She has been searching her soul and trying to understand the feeling she has and why she has lost that loving feeling. She told me that there was no sex drive within her whatsoever. The sexuallity had dried up and she thought it was because we didn't work and that the passion was gone. Now she has found the whole time we have been apart that she hasn't wanted it at all from anyone. Also she has started seeing a councellor because she has had a hard time with her feelings and the fact that no one understands them. The only person she has felt she could talk to is the OM who she still feels or says is a friend. I still think she is using him for the lack of communication from me. I have now told her that if she wants to talk to call me and I will call her more often just to talk about nothing. While at my home she noticed a bit of my costume and asked about it so I put it on. She smiled and said it was great i went out but it kinda made her mad. She said that I now did the things she had always wanted me to do but it was too late. She said she felt that she couldn't get back with me because of the fear that these changes were just temporary. I said well I can say they are not and I promise you that. What you do with that is up to you. I sensed a step towards me and a doubt in her feeling that it would never work again. I can only hope it can continue this way for a while. Tonight I took her out grocery shopping and she was tired but she was still playful and oh so hot! have I mentioned how hot my W is? WOW I can say that the restraint I have to maintain is Herculean and it eats at my soul not being able to touch her or hug her. But being there brings me such joy. Seeing her smile warms me up. What should I do now? I don't want this to stop but I know I can't have it that way. I have to remain patient and hope she wants to keep seeing me like this. I think I need to do some re reading. Oh hey and if you have a chance go to this site http://lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com/ my story was posted on there abbreviated of course on the 3rd. Check it out. God Bless
Here's what i posted over in Divorced but not done : Hello divorce busters I have been away from here for a few months and had not thought I would return. Sad to say I gave up the fight. I decided to focus entirely on me and my boys. I decided to work on moving on and getting over my soon to be ex. I have been this way for months now. My sitch was a rocky one but not uncommon. It went a little like this. We have been together for eleven years married seven last July. We have a 10 year old and a 4 year old. Teen parents and married when she was a senior in high school. Last June we were in bad debt and decided that she would get a job because now it wouldn't just go to paying for daycare. I was happy and I thought she was too. In the training for the job she met a man who was sepperated from his wife but wouldn't give her a divorce because of a large alimony payment she would recieve. This man and her talked a lot and met a few times. On our seventh wedding anniversary she told me she was unhappy and had met someone. She said they were just friends but she was intrigued by him and felt she needed time to think and be away from me. I was floored. I hadn't seen this coming. I thought that we had made it through some very tough times and had the light at the end of the tunnel starting to shine. Our goals could be achieved with two incomes. A house, new vehicle, security all the debt stress relieved. Instead she wanted a divorce and me out of the apartment. I moved into my parent's house and am still here. I had the first bad ideas wtih begging and crying and pleading which worked as well as we all know. Things got cloudier in my sitch. The reason she had for leaving me was unclear. She made the other man out to be nothing more than a friend and i didn't buy it. One day I went to drop off the kids and pick up some stuff at the appt. I found a box of condoms and she said never mind those. None of my buisness. I was of course mad. I wasn't mad she had condoms or sex. I was mad about the lies. Later that night I let her know how I felt and she confessed that they had thought about having sex but she couldn't. She said she didn't know why but it wasn't there for her. She said that she had left me because of the lack of sexual attraction to me and that she felt once that was gone it could never come back. I of course thought i could prove her wrong. I begged for another chance to prove to her that i could be the lover she wanted. She agreed relucantly. It was doomed from the start. It was the worst sex I have ever had. She agreed. That night only added to the questions I had about her feeling and the stories she told me and others. She had told me she had been unhappy in our marriage for years and felt this way for a long time. What I didn't understand was how I couldn't feel it any embraces or why the sex wouldn't have been more like the failed attempt. That night she reacted to my touch like I was the creepiest thing she ever had to touch. If she felt this way for years why wouldn't I have felt that before. If she couldn't hide it now how could she before. I now understand it has to do with resentment and my lack of the understanding of emotional needs females desire like males desire physical needs. Our relationship had become the I give too much, you never give enough or exactly what I want. A good case of crystal clear hindsight. I can say that I now have a clear understanding of what I need to do to have a full reationship with a woman and I still wish that woman was her. I have not let her know that now for three months but it is still there. I have no way of breaking this desire for her and I don't care to. I know to just go on loving her silently. In mid January I lost my job. It was another surprise but something I had little control over. I know that I can handle this though because compared to the loss of a wife this is minor. A week after I lost my job my W lost hers. She didn't take it as well as I did. She hadn't had the previous experience with bombs that i did. She is devastated. She is lost. She feels hopeless. She couldn't believe what was happening. She didn't know if she could go on or what to do. I thought wow, I've heard all of this before. She called me often to beg for money. I didn't accomodate. I made it clear that I wouldn't be the one to look for this help from. I wanted her to see how it felt. I wanted her to glimpse at the pain and loss i had to overcome. I didn't want her to come back. I wanted her to get exactly want she wanted in July. Me out of her life. I wanted her to know that she couldn't have it both ways. I grew cold. She grew desparate and angry at times blaming me. HA Well then yesterday happened. She couldn't pay the daycare provider (who is her best friend) so she turned to me. I got mad again and said all you call me for is money. All we talk about is what you need and I have to accomodate. What about you? She asked me what I wanted and I said sex. She said ok. I was blown away. Of course I was ready for it since it's been four months. I am at a loss about what to do now. The sex was great GREAT! and she agreed with me. She said she was suprised at the fact it wasn't awkward or repulsive but hot and fulfilling. Of course we didn't even talk about what it meant for us. We did talk about how it felt exchanging money for sex and I told her that was not the case. I told her that I felt weak in her need for money and she felt weak in my need for sex. She said whatever. I know she was only doing me a favor and that she had the money on her mind when agreeing to this but afterwards she told me she enjoyed it and wanted to do it again sometime. Again I was shocked. She has been very honest with me and warmer than she's been in half a year. I can say I want to take off like a rocket but know that I have to hide every feeling and supress every desire and let her make these moves. If you didn't understand or i didn't explain my W is in a midlife crisis state of mind. She hangs out with friends seven years younger and responsibility free. She thinks she missed something that everyone should experience being single. She wants to give up all she has to be single and free and every one of her friends what to give up all thay have to find a man. Why they don't get through to her I don't know but i can speculate it has to do with denial and resentment and that feeling of missing something. I decided to write on here to show anyone who thinks it is over and there is no hope don't give up. Focus on the things you can change in your life and find happiness within. You never know where things will go or where you end up but as long as you are happy with your own company you'll be fine.
I have a question. I know that the sex we had meant more to me than it did to her but I was going to sent her a thank you in a simple valentine card. I am going to find a very generic card and put a little letter just saying thanks. This will be the firat thing I have done like this since October or earlier. Hell I can't remember when I last did anything for her. Should i test the water now or continue on the way i have?
I have looked in here for a bit and I am saying my W is having a midlife crisis. Knowing this has got me where I am. I am crazy in love and I know it. I see so many people in here saying how crazy their S is and why can't they just come around. I guess it's the same reason we don't. I mean we put some unbelieveable stories on here and yet we soldier on. For me it has turned into a race to see who breaks first. I don't know about the rest of you but I am not really into losing and I have found where marathoners find the energy. This idea has really made me smile. It has also got me running. Its a great way to find and lose yourself. I bet acting lessons would come in handy too. My W has recently shown me weakness and depression. I have shown her I'm not the one to cry to about these things. If I'm not good for everything I'm not good for anything. I would like to think she is in the depression stage of a MLC but who knows. It's not like clockwork. I am seeing signs of change. Her attitude has been different. Of course it's different every day, but different moods is different than I have seen in months. My plan is to keep my mood the same so feel free to help me out in that and I will try my best to help anyone who wants it. We are all crazy in love.
Yep and her moods all have to do with money. Oh well. I took her to lunch and got her a simple card for V-day. For some reason she felt the need to tell me how happy she is and how that could never happen with me. I tested the water and it's still cold. It's amazing how cold water lets you focus again. I'm back to working on me 100%. I'll pop in here and see if anyone needs some advice or has some. Good luck all you DBers
I haven't read your entire sitch, but when my husband and I were divorce I spent a lot of time listening to him talk about "trivial things." (i.e. his day, little things at work, the kids, etc....). I encouraged this and would ask more and more questions. My reason for this was I wanted my husband to realize what a great friend he had in me (something he always had, but forgot during the A). I figured that even if the divorce was going through, I wanted to act in such a way that my husband might someday look back and realize that he had thrown away the best friendship he ever had. My hope for doing this was that he would be able to look back with fondness and maybe even some regret about the marriage. I also figured that practicing good relationship skills would be useful in any future relationships. Even if the divorce had gone through, I wouldn't have regretted being a friend and great listener to my husband.
