Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for dropping in guys. WI, you're right, I did say I would file a report next time something happened. I backed down. I didn't uphold my own boundary. I struggled with it for a while. I am not really happy with the outcome, but I made the choice to let her off the hook. It'll probably bite me in the ass some day, but I won't beat myself up about it.

James, thanks for taking the time to read through my sorry story. I'm glad you see the parallels, and I trust you will make progress in your sitch faster than I have in mine (if you can really call anything in my sitch progress). As for strength, people often pick and choose what they see as signs of strength and/or weekness, and I tend to think this is a very selfserving thing. W wants to see me as week because it makes it easier to justify what she's doing, you want to see me as strong because you understand from personal experience that it takes strength and resilience to still be here. Thanks for reinforcing my belief that what I am doing, taking the hard path, is a sign of strength.

BI, I hope too that one day she'll see things differently. I have come to realize, and I hope it's an accurate realization not just a self serving one, that both my M and the A are fantasy Rs for my W. I wonder if someday she'll distinguish the difference between her judgments and reality. I have no doubt that should things end in divorce it will be much easier for her to maintain this idea that I am a "psycho controlling a$$hole" than for her to accept that I am a person who was trying to do the right thing despite the fact that it was uncomfortable for her (hey it's not exactly pleasurable for me either).

Ben, I'm glad to hear from you again too. I'm doing great! Really, I am. My life has become far more full, despite this situation, and I'm really happy about this. I have been working out, commuting on my mountain bike (even in temps in the teens) as often as possible, playing in a band at least once a week, spending a lot of quality time with my son, reading a lot, etc.
I can't say I'm surprised that your "giving up" has led to hope in your M. I sometimes think that's what it would take for mine. I'm curious why you say your sitch wasn't from an A. The attraction issue is one that's prominant in my sitch as well. It seems that in my W's perception, either I'm a pushover and cater too much to her or I'm controlling.

Well, this leaves us with this weekend. Yesterday things went pretty poorly. I had planned to do some running around, and had a couple things I wanted to accomplish for myself. I have a bit of a nasty cold that I'm nursing, so I went back to sleep after making breakfast for my son. I woke up about 9:45 and ran out to the grocery store to get breakfast stuff. I came home and brought W breakfast in bed. She seemed fairly happy to get a plateful of decadent breakfast stuff in bed. I tried to make a plan for the day with her. She's starting a new job tomorrow and needed to get some clothes and shoes. This was a priority for me, and so I kept my afternoon open for this reason. I told my W this, and also told her that I wanted to do some cleaning in the house, wanted to do some work on the bike and go grocery shopping. She didn't contribute anything, so I told her I was going upstairs to clean. I spent some time doing this and then S4 asked if we could have a picnic lunch inside. I thought this was a great idea, and ran it by W. She said that there was nothing in the house for her to eat. I told her I could run out and do the shopping before lunch so she could participate. She would not tell me what she wanted. So I backed off, basically frustrated that she wouldn't and doesn't take responsibility for her most basic need - eating - rather she blames me that there's nothing in the house for her to eat when it's her preferences that keep her from eating whatever it is that S4 and I are able to eat everyday. All through these conversations, she's saying things like "I don't matter" "What I think doesn't matter" What I want doesn't matter" - to which I answered pretty consistently "to who?" This stuff kills me - I keep seeing her act as if her own needs don't matter enough for her to speak up about them and then she blames me for her not getting them met, and whenever I point this out, she sees it as me blaming her. I want her to eat, I want her to be healthy, I want her to be happy. So I went upstairs and had a nice indoor picnic with S4. Then I talked to her again about plans - where we would go to shop for her, when, etc. She kept leaving the subject to focus on some defect of mine. Underlying all of this is her belief that I am the boss of the family, I hold all of the authority, etc., etc. I told her I was going up to take a shower. I showered, we talked again. Finally, 4:15 rolled around. I told W that we had better get moving, otherwise we would never be able to get everything done. W told S4 that we were going to go and get him clothes. I vetoed the idea because I said she was the priority - we didn't have much money for this and needed to take care of her. His clothes could wait. She got upset at this and used it to support her belief that I am controlling. She sucked me into another of these conversations where we got nowhere and eventually it got to the point where dinner had to be the next thing on the agenda. She wouldn't talk about where to go. I talked to S4 about it, and we decided on a place. W didn't want to eat there, so S4 and I up and left. We got about 10 minutes down the road and W called and asked if I would come home and get her. She wanted to come now. When we got back there she tells me that she was hurt that I let it go that easily, that I didn't try harder to get her to come with us. I told her that I thought I had fought far longer than I should have.

We had a nice evening together afterwards. Watched a movie together and had a nice time overall. This morning she was in a mood. I think she wakes up from her fantasy sleep dreams to the horrible fantasy reality and it puts her in a bad mood. I need to avoid her in the early part of the day. I told her last night that I had plans to go to the gym early, and we had made plans together to go do her shopping at 10. I was not feeling well enough to go to the gym when I woke up, so I skipped it, and went downstairs with my list to get her input on the groceries so I could take care of that before we went out. She got angry with me, started going on and on about how she didn't know whether we were still going. She wasn't even out of bed at 9:15, so leaving the house by 10 was unlikely. I had taken a shower, and before I jumped in I told S4 he could join me if he wanted to, that he should come in at X time. I've been working on getting him to pay attention to the clock - something he loves doing - and also owning the consequences of not doing what he knows he needs to. So he never made it into the shower. W asked me if he had had a shower. I told her that he hadn't made it in. She said "so that's it, he doesn't get a shower?" "No" I told her "he doesn't - that's the consequence of not doing what he agreed to." Well, she got upset with this, telling me that I was being controlling, that I wasn't asking for her opinion, etc, but was acting like I had absolute authority. I told her "nothing I say is absolute, because I don't have sole authority. You have just as much authority as I do. If you want to debate this, than let me know." Basically, she was getting on my case because I didn't make it clear to her that she could give me her input - something she generally doesn't have the slightest problem contributing when she wants to put me down. To me, giving her permission to give me her input would be acknowledging her idea that I have absolute authority - which I don't. I made a decision, as she often does. She's just so busy focusing on proving this point - that I'm the bad guy, I'm the enemy - that she acts a certain way and then blames me for making her act that way.

Well, we went out and actually had a nice morning. Once we got most of the shopping done, we went to Old Navy for S4 (we had spent less on the stuff for W than anticipated, so it made sense). As we were checking out, I asked that cashier if he could point me in the direction of the Payless shoe store. W walked out of the store, mortified. She later told me that she was so embarassed by my asking this. She held it against me for the rest of the time we were out. Blaming me for her bad feelings. The afternoon went downhill from there. After this S4 and I were to go to my mothers, W is staying home. As we pulled up to the house she asked if S4 was going to miss her. He eventually said yes. I told her that I would miss her too. She said "how can that be? We always fight." I told her that our behavior didn't define her, and that we had good interactions too, like earlier in the day. I said something like "it's all about what you focus on" - to which she responded "uh huh, you keep telling yourself that."

Well, I'm not really sure what went well there. W is very angry with me because she is so focused on the fact that I'm not agreeing to go forward with divorce as friends right now, and her method of justifying divorcing is to make herself as miserable as she can be and blame it on the relationship and me. Being miserable is functional for her, she believes there's a payoff to it. I will not divorce under these circumstances. Until I get to the point where it's what I actually want, I'm not going to persue it. Tough. She's got bad feelings? She's got misery? She's got to deal with it. Nice little standoff, eh?