Sorry it has been a while since I posted to you. I wanted to respond regarding the $$ issue. Like David, I have read the Conway's books and have taken that approach as the foundation of my personal work in this MLC process. I think much of their advice is very wise. So upon reading their work, although I was afraid and I wanted to react by protecting myself straight away, I did not immediately jump to separate our finances because of what I read. I made a few calls, visited a L, and assessed my risk. I decided to leave everything as is for now.
We have joint accounts (H & I are both listed and have access to all accounts). I manage all the personal accounts: a cash flow account for all of our living expenses; a house account for the mortgage, taxes and insurance, and then I also have a personal account of my own (even though H is listed as a secondary owner). H manages the business accounts, which includes checking and a savings (and I am co-owner of those accounts, and can see the activity on them). H has some credit cards that he uses for the business and I don't know about those accounts, and how the spending has been on those, but they are in his name only. So far H has never, ever touched any of the household joint accounts to WD anything. And I regularly transfer $$ out of his business accounts into our cash flow as we initially agreed. H continues to grumble about this, but so far has taken no steps to file for D, which is what I told him it would take to have his contributions change. I believe H is afraid that a legal arrangement will entail spousal support or paying me out half of the value of the business (causing him to debt or even possibly shut down), since I am listed as co-owner. I am listed as co-owner of his truck too, so I transfer the $ out of his business accounts to make the truck payment, since it would affect my credit. So currently I feel pretty secure that H is on the up and up with the $, and is trying to be honest. H has not hidden his expenses to visit MOW, so I have that on record as well.
What I can say is, if you remain committed to the restoration of your M, do as little as possible to further separate you from your H. However, you must do what is required to protect yourself and your family. I do not think my H is lying to me, and my H has never taken money without telling me. He has even told me when he has made a large WD from the business account, and what it was for. Nonetheless, I am tracking all that (I print out the on-line statements) becuase if we ever do end up in D proceeedings, I will fight for everything I am entitled to. I just continue to hope it will not come to that.
You seem angrier at your H than I am at mine. And also less trusting that you have the correct information. Perhaps you could open another account in addition to the joint ones you have, so you could start building some cash of your own that would cover you in a transition? Or to put your basis living expenses in? Then perhaps you could calm into a "wait and see" stance re: legal steps? I dunno, just a thought. You may need to at least get some legal advice. If you can find a way to manage this where you are not hurt, scared and angry, that's the way to go! You will need a lot of forgiveness to turn the boat around.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
