Yeah, that didn’t come out right. Let me try again.
I think what I was going for was the merits of a 180. You’ve described on a couple occasions where your “reaction” to something H has done has yielded piss poor response from him. You wonder as well how genuine his intentions are – and that is understandable.
What I did in my situation was to employ a sort of aikido. Instead of striking back – I would take WAW’s energy and redirect it to a positive. What I learned through Michelle’s books and people here and other stuff was that I was NOT going to let someone else squash MY enthusiasm for life. Sometimes that meant swallowing real hard and agreeing with someone that I though was flat out wrong. At the same time, I still marched on with my life.
Example. In many a counseling session, WAW would say to me (and C) that she doesn’t trust me. Sure, my retort could be “WTF, how could you not trust me? I’ve done this and this and this!”. Instead I would take her negativity (lack of trust) and validate it. I’d say “Oh, you’re right – I can totally see why you don’t trust me – I don’t know if I trust myself yet or that my changes are permanent”. And leave it at that. THEN, day by day, I would knock down that wall by LIVING the changes I made in myself. I would be on time if I made that commitment. I would follow through on EVERY promise – and more importantly for me, I would NOT make a promise I couldn’t keep.
I remember vividly one session in and around May where she was going to criticize me for something, and she then said, “Oh, but you don’t do that any more”. Sooooo, by taking her manipulation (I don’t trust you) and making it my OWN, I became the one that “manipulated” her back to me. Not in a negative sense because I did not set out to deceive – I just chose to live my promise to myself.
I hope that makes some sort of sense.
I have also said that nobody can make your own happiness – it comes from inside you. What I would continue to do is to DEFINE what it would be that makes you happy and what you want from your life and your R’s. Go slow and take your time. Write a personal mission statement – mine is posted on one of these threads – I’ll see if I can find it. Then read it every day, live it every day.
Look in the mirror tomorrow AM and tell me what you see. Then if your critical of something – ask why? And ask why again until you have an answer that you can take action on. Little things. Then get to work at it. Self esteem is just that – SELF esteem. Who gives a F-ck what others think of you. If you are spiritual – than isn’t your plan between you and God. I’m guessing if you are a good person and a good mom, then your halfway there. If you want to be a good wife, but you are trying with a person that doesn’t share the same aspirations as you – then that leaves you one option – OUT.
Marriage is a partnership – meaning the goals as a couple should somehow mesh. I just don’t see that with your H.
In fairness, it might be because he just doesn’t understand what our goals and wants are. And that is what your plan is for. Take time, write out where you want your life and relationship to be and look like in say 5 years and then, when he asks, tell him. Then if he says its crap, say “I understand that it looks like crap to you and I wish you shared the same dreams as me but it is clear that you don’t so I think we should move on apart”. And when he responds, just agree his feeling (validate) but don’t subscribe. Simply response with “I understand how you could feel that way, but if we cannot work on this together and be happy, we should just move on apart”.
If your H is not mature enough to handle that, then even more proof that you need to get out and on to finding that guy that will for you.
Hope that clarifies for you.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
It's been a bit since I posted. Mostly because I am trying to pull myself out of the slump I always feel like I am in.
Cat- We have both tried counseling, individual and marriage.
Sven- You do make sense with what you posted. I guess my biggest issue standing in my way is not being 100% sure that I want to keep working on this M.
The biggest part of me says just be done with it. It's time for me to detach, get out of this unhealthy M and move on with my life and my kid's lives. Thinking it, wanting it and actually doing it are totally different things.
On a side note, I did make some plans with a friend. We are taking an overnight trip next month to see a concert. I will be back in my home state and we are staying with my mom. My excitement was short lived as H got mad and didn't talk to me for two days. His issue was I told him I wanted to go instead of asking if I could go. The conversation when like this: I told him I would like to go, he said "Ok". It hit the fan when I mentioned my friend wanted to go. He got mad ASSuming he couldn't go. I never said he couldn't....conversation didn't get that far before he stormed away from me. I told him if he wanted to go too he only had to say something. He didn't and it's not really his type of music.
Sometimes I really wonder if it's more me then him causing the problems in this M or if I am letting him convince me it's me. Gee...did that make sense?
The conversation when like this: I told him I would like to go, he said "Ok". It hit the fan when I mentioned my friend wanted to go. He got mad ASSuming he couldn't go. I never said he couldn't....conversation didn't get that far before he stormed away from me. I told him if he wanted to go too he only had to say something. He didn't and it's not really his type of music.