Hi all. Its been 3 weeks I think since the mlc wife came back for financial reasons. The affair apparently is over, which I now believe (hope i'm not being a mug again). She's been home 3 weeks but its much the same as before. She doesn't love me, wont try and heal our marriage and she has just stormed off to do the shopping.
I asked her if she thought it might be a good idea that she gets an aids test as she was having unprotected sex with him. What do you think?? Should i pish her to have one?
We has a R talk a few days ago and she said she was not ready to sleep with me yet, which is a different answer to no. Anyway just saying Hi to everyone and the nightmare in the waughman household goes on.
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
Nick, I have to agree with Lissett as hard as that might sound. I do appreciate your concerns BUT all you have shown your W is that the only thing important to you is sex. I know deep down this is not what you meant but it will be what she heard.
It is good that she is saying she isn't ready for sex with you yet rather than no but given that your fait accomplis was for her to have an HIV test I think you did well to get that answer.
Also your opening statement was that she had come home for financial reaons. That is very very different from coming home b/c you want to be with someone. Yes she did choose to come home BUT you still have the blinkers on. For God sake take them off now, TODAY before you frighten her off again.
I don't remember why your W left (although it is clear that she has been having an affair). You need to tackle WHY she had that affair but in her time not yours before you can even begin to piece your M back together.
My H left once before (only for a month) he admitted to having an A during that time but what I have since found out was that actually he had already had another affair before he left (or more to the point I asked him to leave). Even during C when he was specifically asked about this he lied. We were reconciled for 18 months. I didn't realise until about 6 months ago that any of this had happened but I do know that I just not have been so trusting so quickly after he came back. We BOTH made the mistake of thinking we could pick up where we had left off b/c it had been such a short separation. In reality we had been emotionally separated for much longer than this BUT neither of us realised we needed to take this into consideration.
If you love your W please read these BB so very carefully. All the answers you need are right here but you have to use them in the right way for your sitch.
Good luck
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Nick, It's extremely hard to deal w/an mlcer when they are in the home, but more so when they are only back because of finances. You've been given some excellent advice by the other posters. Now, step back and allow her space, time and freedom to work on herself.
You have to find a way to understand that she's still in crisis and you have to leave her alone. If she comes to you for sex, fine, but don't raise the issue w/her right now about it. She's basically told you she's not ready to go that far w/you just yet. The option is there in her mind, but she's not ready for it.
Nick, you have to learn to look at her differently. She may look like your wife, but right now, she's not. She's reverted back to a much younger stage in her life and you are not part of it except to offer her a safe haven for this time period. If you leave her alone, give her the space she needs to work on herself, she very may well stay. If you continue pushing or prodding, she will bolt once again, finances or no finances standing in her way.
Take this time to work on yourself, i.e., do things for yourself and look at your wife as nothing more than a roommate. Nick, read the threads posted by Smurf (Simon). His wife is still at home and it's not been a pleasant trip either, but he's learned to give her a wide berth and is doing things for himself.
Follow your wife's lead, just as you would with a dancing partner. You are no longer the leader in this dance. Your wife will give you signs of where she's at in all of this, you just need to listen very closely when she speaks.
I don't mean to be the Downer in this, but sometimes MLCers move home and away multiple times. Hope for the best, but expect anything and prepare.
First, the affair may not be over. They may break for a few weeks...and go back. It goes to who broke it off and why mixed in with about a million other variables.
This is not a return, and having her this close just means a wilder rollercoaster ride.
As I recall the issues with your wife being gone were that there was a terrible financial situation that made it all but impossible for the two of you to live separately, right?
So if she is REALLY home just because there was absolutely no way to make it work financially apart, you are on extremely shaky ground here.
She is not here for you at all then.
But you do have an opportunity all the same.
To make the most of this opportunity, it seems to me you are going to have to go back my friend, WAY back. Back to the days when you were first meeting each other, where you discovered that you liked her and wanted to capture her attention. Those days where you were kind and loving and selfless in her presence, because you knew those were the things that she would find attractive and want to be around.
Sex? Well maybe I'm just being a little old school here, but as I recall, sex came WELL after the relationship was formed. Not before.
She is NOT your wife anymore. Despite what the law might say, and despite what you might feel in your heart.
You are co-habitating. That's it my friend. The sooner you accept that and begin living that way, the better off you will be both mentally and emotionally.
Be her friend. Show her kindness and compassion. Treat her with respect and consideration. Show her that this is NOT all about YOU and what YOU want. In fact, show her that this is all about HER as far as you are concerned.
You are back at square one. Can you handle that?
And the truth is, it's not really even square one, because she already does not trust that you really want anything more than your wife back. You've got some rebuilding to do first.
But it IS an amazing opportunity....
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I am going to chime in with the rest of these folks....you made a "boo boo" by asking about getting an AIDs test....IF...notice that is a BIG IF....sex/ML should come up make sure YOU have protection to use....THEN IF...another BIG IF....should things really work out then bring up getting a test so that you can eventually do away with protection then....that is how I handled it....at first he was put off but then realized that I was being SMART....and eventually down the road he got a full STD/HIV/AID panel done....
It sounds like for now you should just nicely co-exist as if she were just ANY other roommate!
Jack....I agree that it is important to have a clean bill of health from your spouse after an affair....or possible one...but to ask before the relationship is back on solid ground is not a good idea because
the spouse feels that you are making assumptions that they are back for good...
the spouse will feel like you are looking at them as if they are disease ridden idiots....
Now I am not saying that we don't have a right to feel the way we do but if your objective is to win your spouse back I feel it is better to use protection until you KNOW you are BOTH on the same page of things....
As I said....I have been through this with my H....and when the time came he even let me go with him to the doctors and to the labs and to see the results....so when the time is right you can get what you need to feel comfortable again....before then you treat them as you would any "new" sexual partner!!!
