You are right. Biblically, you are not commanded to divorce. You have the right if she commits adultery. If you have proof that she has, then you need to decide what you want.
If you want to save the marriage and forgive her, then you'll need to DB like hell. Again GAL is what will attract her back to you. Detachment is first, for your sanity, second, it's a seductive trick..if you are a little mysterious, interesting, having a great time then she'll begin to wonder...hmmmm...maybe this guy is interesting.
If you want a divorce, and only on biblical grounds, then I suggest you get evidence of the affair. This will be necessary if the divorce is contested. Then talk to a lawyer. But be careful, divorce lawyers will promise the moon, only to jack up the litigation and raise their fees. DO you want shared custody? Do you want your kids partially raised by the man who stole your wife? I know those are painful questions to ask. But that's what you are going to have to think about if you want to divorce her.
I suggest you get evidence of the affair anyway. It seems that if your wife is holding her cards close to her chest, she's probably already positioning herself regarding money, finances and custody in as advantageous way as possible. Get the evidence even if you don't use it/
On the other hand. If you are trying to save the marriage, perhaps you are wondering what does a 180 look like in your situation?
Seriously, try and GAL..do things for you. Have fun. Guy night, the gym, a hobby, etc. And keep that up regardless of what happens. This will make you strong. 180 or no 180, at least GAL. What makes you happy? And don't picj GAL activities thinking about their effect on your wife. GAL is for you. It's different from a 180. If you are happy and full, it might attract her. A 180, onthe other is behavior that might shift the relational dyanmic around. Sometimes GAL is a 180, but not always.
Then, as Michelle suggests, keep a journal of your techniques and their effectiveness. Keep trying new things. Give the techniques a few weeks.
But, my friend, as she continues to be cold and hard, and selfish, you feel the love slipping from your heart. That's what's really killing you. You can't wake up or sleep without this freaking situation consume most of your thoughts.
Again GAL trues to help with that. It takes your mind off it. GAL is a way for you to lose yourself in a task and have fun. And bro, you need the fun.
180 is a calculated behavioral change that is very focused on your wife's response. I think GAL is a pre-requisite for a 180, it gives you the strength to do it.
Hey O; I'm doing OK, 2 day committee meeting up in Chicago, easy to GAL when you are 6 hours from home.
Met up with friends in the city, played a ton of darts, and even got hit on.(several times ) I was surprised at how good that felt. I think when we are totally involved in a R, we put off some kind of signal, I can count on one hand the number of times I have been hit on in the last 10 years, at least that I noticed.
The problem is that even though it felt good, I didn't even think for a moment about anything other than my wife. How much I wished she was there, how much fun we used to have, and how much I miss doing things with her.
It really does help though, I called to talk to the kids tonight and ended up talking to her for awhile, then longer, it is like she didn't want to get off the phone, we talked about the kids, what she did today, the bad weather, my visit with old friends.(no I didn't tell her about getting hit on.)
It really confuses me when she does this, I just don't get how she can at one moment want to firebomb her family, and the next talk to me like nothing has happened. It just does not add up. I know that she is upset and confused, and that this is not the "real" woman that I am married to, but it is just so strange, and I think that is what worries me so much, what if this is the new "real" her? I get the feeling that her response to GAL is "good, he needs to move on." It is like she is waiting around to make sure I am going to be OK when she leaves.
I just don't know anymore.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
I think you hit the nail on the head. What if the "new real" wife sticks around? I dunno. The idea is, if things work out between the two of you neither of you will be the same as before, and her crisis "persona" now is not her final state. You will both get your needs met in a new and better marriage. The person that you will be married to will want to be married to you, so she won't be the alien/wierdo you have now. Things will never go back to the way they were. You don;t want them to. You want a GREAT marriage. If it wasn't working for her, it probably wasn't working for you either. You have no choice. It's going to either be a great marriage or no marriage to her. It's obvious mediocity won't work for you guys.
On the other hand, I wonder, too, sometimes, who is this person?
My wife's response to my GAL is, "I'm not sure what I think about the long-term prospects of our marriage, but watching you be committed to your self-developement, has stopped me from wanting to run away screaming." In my experience, it got her attention and stopped the free-fall. Another time she said, "Yes, you may indeed become this intimate, respectful wonderful self-actualized guy, but, at the moment, I'm not that interested." Ouch!!! But, that's what she felt like that day. You see, it's a rollercoaster. Another time she said, "I'm so glad that things are working out for YOU." It seems like it's a form of detatchment.
Our love, like God's love, needs to be steadfast and unshakable. It can't rise or fall with every response we get to our newest DB technique.
Having said that. Only GAL will attract her. Only GAL will strengthen you for the fight. Only GAL will prepare you for a life without your wife if she chooses to torch your marriage.
Oh yeah, they don't think they are torching your family. They say, "Kids are resilient." And no amount of hard, undeniable clinical evidence showing them that kids will suffer and be very hurt in the long-run will convince them otherwise. They won't stay in it for the kids. The one, over-riding reality they feel, deep in their bones, is, "I must be happy, I must feel good, I must be whole, I must be free, I must self-actualize." And whatever gets them there is OK, even if it means hurting others.
But, the truth, the blessed truth, is that they can have needs met, their dreams fulfilled, their hearts warmed by staying in their marriage. They just can't see that yet. In fact, they will be *more* fulfilled, happier and self-actualized if they choose to work it out with their spouses rather than have an affair. They are trading a steak dinner for a sugar rush.
It's hard, 8, real hard. You are doing great. Keep it up. The fact that she can talk to you is a good sign. The door is still open. Look at it this way, you are, by your actions, slowly trying to seduce her away from OM. And I'm betting on you. Keep having fun. Keep becoming a more interesting person. There's a book called Wild at Heart by Ron Eldridge. Maybe it can help you get in touch with some crazy, warrior-like side of yourself. There's also an excellent work-book.
A friend of mine once told me, "I know this is hard for you. But frankly I'm tired of hearing about what your wife did or didn't do and watching you agnonize over your reactions to her. The tail is wagging the dog. I want to hear about your call to adventure. I want to see you come alive. Right now all you are is a footnote to her story. You need to change that. She needs to become peripheral to your story. And when you guys work things out, you will each be equal players in your common story."
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
