Registered: 01/27/07 Posts: 22 H has been gone for 2 months, after going dark for a short period he is working his way home. He called yesterday from work"I'm thinking about taking a half day will you be home" He came and spent the better part of 8 hours with us.(We have two boys)We ate, MIL, made dinner together.No R talk. Here's the dilemma, how can I be supportive and lend an ear when I have to hear about the time spent at friends houses, the parties he's been too,the drug and alcohol references."It's a party house,it has kept my mind off of things! This is a married guy acting single...Then he has the odacity to ask me for money until he gets paid tomorrow!! I have been struggling with the bills since he left, he gives barely nothing a week ($75.00)Now he says "I'll be home after vacation, we have a preplanned cruise in a few weeks, he's going on that too! Yes, this is piecing, but I am getting angry and resentful...He has even said "I can't get into the finances right away when I come home,it will take awhile! Everything is fine with him if things are paid for,he's along for the ride, but this is out of order.It sounds like he is having a ball, doing what he wants, why would he want to come home.And coming on vacation,Typical,his life is a vacation...I was going to give him until the middle of March and then attach his wages for support.Now he is coming back....I am angry.He is coming back tonight to bring the money he took (Oh yeah to buy beer and lottery tickets!) What's wrong with me!! I feel better than I did 6 weeks ago, losing 20 lbs. Now the anger, how can I piece when I feel this way?????
Be very careful. If he is still partying, still spending and has taken no responsability then this is not peicing. He is still out there and until he stops all of this childish adolesent behaviour then you have to protect yourself. Do not give him money to help him party.
He has the best of both worlds. He is cake eating. If you continue to let him do this he will go on like this. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.
You need to go on with your life. Do things for yourself.
I was posting in Piecing and was told no, post in MLC.I just got a call it's Friday night, "I'll be over later to drop off the money...will you be home or are you going out? Sure, right! going out with a three year old on a Friday night. I"m starting to really hate this. I need a strategy. I feel if I put limits on right now, he won't be back in a few weeks like was stated. But at the same time he is treaded over me and our family like this is a resort or something.I really believe he will bolt again once he is here if things "don't go his way".
The reason you were told to post in mlc is because he may be in mlc and you are not piecing. So regardless if this is mlc or not you have to let your h go. He does not appear to be anywhere near ready to come home.
Start by reading the resources thread at the top of this forum. You will get some idea of what to expect. Your h appears a long way from coming home. I am sorry to say.
So now take the focus off of your h. Do what you need to do for youself and your children. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.
This may be the beginning of a very long journey and you need to be strong and healthy to endure it.
We aren't experts at anything but saying "We are sorry to meet you here like this". We really are. I haven't gone on a tear in a while and feel one coming on so sit back.
Now, what have you read about MLC? Have you read the posts pinned up at the top of the forum by Smurf? Please read them, for your sanity. There are also good books out there on the subject for women dealing with men in mlc ... not so much for men giving up on women in mlc although I guess we are supposed to assume they are similar.
Your H is showing classic signs. Are they real??? Does he have "Classic seeds" and likely triggers? What kind of R did he have with his parents growing up? What kind of R did his parents have with each other? Was he an introvert, or an outgoing athletic man on the town? How soon did you two get M after high school graduation? Or did either of you go to college, then M? How old were you both when you got M? Describe his career status, not his company name or profession. Is he rapidly rising to the top, finding himself in a rut, surrounded by others from high school/college passing him by?
These things may not seem important to you right now. The more you learn about mlc the more you will understand the questions. You may also Google Quarter Life Crisis.
So what is up with your boy? He is overwhelmed with the sense of having lost his youth. Maybe the M, career and age are crashing down on him at the same time. He is sensning he is a H and a dad from now on but missed his chance to be young and wild.
Fine. Show him the door and the D if you want; if you think this is unfair and he is being selfish. MLC is "All about me" time. It is all about selfishness. It is all about being unable to cope with responsibility, family, comittments, ... anything. You fill in the blanks cuz they can't. They can't remember their name.
General thinking is that MLC is actually happening more often now and at a younger age. It is believed to be based on the seeds of childhood issues and development. Assumed knowledge is that it is a preprogrammed mental state of illness or imbalance sprung onto someone by a major birthday, anniversary, or life crisis like the death of a close family member. loved one, or friend. Your H has seen the grim reaper and is running. He has been forced by nature to accept his mortality and he is refusing to. He is not yet mature enough.
You have a small child and/or are familiar with the "terrible twos". You are M to a two year old in big boy britches with bigy boy burdens and he is rebelling against them, acting out, and running away. Let him go. Wave good bye when he leaves and understand you are better off with him gone while he is in this stage of life. He is better off with you accepting all this crap and supporting him, but it is not as easy for you as he thinks. It is hell.
He is reporting in on his activities so you know he is not gone for good, and sort of ok. You are not amused by his insanity, but he is loving the heck out of it. He is eating cake at his party. Yes, cake eating is keeping one foot in the door at home so he knows he is not locked out for good. He senses that something is happening to him that he will get past but can't quite put a finger on when; and certainly not why.
Here is part of you bigger problem. While he is thinking he knows what is up, he is deep in the crisis. While he is thinking he has an idea of when he is coming home, he is stupidly lost in his crisis. He must hit bottom before he can understand the nature of his life stage transition to his next adulthood. He is no where near the bottom. You haven't seen anything yet. You will know the bottom when you see it. So Will He!!!! If he doesn't hit bottom, he has been faking for fun and must die.
Life stage transition? Oh yes, the QLC and the difference. Let's consider the transition from high school or college into the working world of bills and responsibility as the first adulthood. The time spent playing in school is not adulthood, it is the culmination of our youth. Some people get to extend that playtime a few years as a yound single adult.. a "Player". Lucky shits.
The rest of us, the normal people carrying our load on this planet do our thing and never doubted that we will someday pass on to another life being this mortal one. We face it in our own way and accept it as we grow. When the kids are grown and the career is coming toward its end we have been thinking all along about retirement and empty nest games to play with our spouse.
We are ok with the gray hair(s) or missing ones. We are ok with the rest of life we have prepared for. This is to be our Second and final Adulthood. They MLCer just realized they are too young to be facing this part of mortality and revert to childhood rebellion. There is only one proven path for them back to reality and on into their second adulthood, or first real adulthood if they really are early blooming MLCers. That is throught the crisis. Not the pharmacy. Not the counselor. They must be young again in their mind, and take the time to grow up again. That is why two years or five years are no problem to them. They look forward to the freedom, the youth, the vacation from adulthood.
Some people try to move into their First Adulthood thinking they are ready ... not knowing the difference. They were not finished with their youth and don't know it. These people are playing at adulthood! This is what will come back to haunt them, and us. They started acting like adults and trying to fill that role. Some succeed for over 25 years as they move right into working and raising a family. Then the kids are grown and don't need them. Then the career has peaked. Then they look in the mirror and say what now. All their friends had more toys, more parties, less burden, and more fun. "What about me!!!!" Welcome to "Classic-MLC".
Your H is not Classic; age wise. I said it is happening earlier every day. Careers start zooming right out of school, no paying your dues. So they reach their zenith quicker also. Some guys find themselves going home to be dad while others in the office that extended their later youth into mid twenties and early thirties are not burdened, loving life.
The early MLC is a huge surprise to the spouse. Of course, so is the Classic one. So what is QLC? It seems to be the early MLC created by social, financial, and cultural influences described above but without the childhood developmental seeds of the MLCer. The QLCer is something of a psuedo MLCer, or simply a wannabe. They don't digress as deep. Their crisis is not as much a crisis. Their crisis does not consume them as completely and uncontrollably. That is not to say some of them don't D and run away.
My original questions may help you consider the possibility that your H is an early blooming Classic MLCer. It is born of suppressed low self esteem and sustained throughout most of the crisis by depression and guilt. They hide those or try to eliminate them by partying like rock stars. There goes the money honey.
So you will be told by many here to take care of yourself, emotionally, physically, and above all financially. If he thinks it is his and he has a right to spend it however he wants as he enjoys and lives out his lost youth ... kiss it goodbye.
Wait, what was your question again ... I lost myself.
W2S -- as always I LOVE YOU!! OK, I will save that for next Wednesday.
You described my H exactly. Often, I have been confused here as well, since he is much younger. But, the questions you asked above are EXACTLY pertinent.
My H had loads of childhood issues (emotional distance from mom, abuse from dad), low self-esteem, but in a career demanding an inflated ego.....this is his first job out of training and he vaulted in promotions, awards and positions within 1 year, and rose to the top quickly. While I read that negative things, such as death and loss, trigger MLC/QLC, I think LACK of stress can do the same thing (sudden rise, financial gain, etc). That is my case. Suddenly, life was MUCH easier, the struggle was gone and it was time to live and find fault in life at home. All the childhood things that were suppressed during years of hard work and training/schooling comes out and floats to the top.
I also agree that it's more of an "early" MLC. And it's hit full tilt.
Not to hijack, but take solace Indea....this is where we are. Not quite the "who is this after 30 years" etc, but just as life starts.
Just wanted to share, Indea, because when you're looking around, it helps to find a few threads that might relate in one way or another. For nothing else but to make you feel that you're not alone, and you're not crazy.
Thanks for the responses...I should be used to his behaviours, he's only left, oh, lets see over 10 times.He was here yesterday, cake eating again, stayed for a few hours, then off to a friends house.Now saying, "if you need me call me, be good okay?? Be good?He's talking about starting his garden here in the spring, says he'll be back after our vacation?? Now, when the vacations over and he's not back?This is so F****d up! I don't know how to respond, what to say to him. Then, what he does is, he'll show up in church on Sunday, then off to Disneyland, doing whatever he does(fixing his race car, watching Nascar, hanging out with friends, family...It's nuts.I'm gonna lose it and say things unbecoming..
