BI, I'm so sorry to read about the latest developments in your sitch. It really does seem that your H's own self-loathing is holding him back from even being able to think about working on your M.
He needs to do something to change that, and if getting away on his own for a while is the only way he can do that, then he might just have to.
Maybe it doesn't even have to be an actual move, where he settles down somewhere else though. Maybe he just needs to go on a solo road trip for a while to get away from the glaring eyes of everyone in your hometown so he can start feeling good about himself again and hopefully realise that he's worthy of forgiveness, firstly from himself, and then also from you.
When my H first moved out, he mentioned that he was considering just "going bush" for a few days and not even taking his phone, so he could escape everything and everyone and get his head straight. As far as I know, he never did end up taking that trip, so hasn't really had any time to himself to reflect on who he really wants to be and what he really wants to do, and as a result is a total mess but is in total denial about it.
I really wish he had have taken some time for himself. I think that he, (and us) would have benefited greatly if he'd taken that timeout, and something similar may very well benefit your H (and your M) as well. Obviously, the way things have been, hasn't been working, so you'll both need to try a different approach.
I'll make sure and mention you in my prayers tonight!
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
