My situation is complicated because EA with OM can't progress or retreat any time soon. Talk about a state of limbo! My waw was engaged to be married to him 15 years ago before he shot and killed a Man in a heated argument. He is currently serving 15 to life and will be coming up for parole again in Nov of 07. She visits him once a month, they talk daily, and write each other.
I came around 5 years after the incident and we married after two years of dating. She assured me she was over him at the time. To be honest, I recall being a little taken back by her history, but love is blind and accepting. We've been physically separated for 14 months and emotionally separated for about 18 or 19 months. BTW, just to let you know, I don't blame our current trouble on this OM. I take my share of responsibility, but he certainly positioned himself in the right place at the right time with the help of his family. Yes, his Mom, Dad, and Sister played a part in breaking up our family and reuniting their Son/brother with my W. I can't blame them to much because they have suffered in his loneliness as well. I think they figured my W would bring a little happiness in his otherwise bleak existence. Also, I don't believe my W told them the truth about our situation and I know she is keeping him secret from her family and friends.
After some very hard soul searching and little to no progress, I threw in the towel at the one year separation mark. I never thought I would say this, but my love for her has dried up considerably. I see her stuck in neutral pining for this OM who could conceivably be in prison another 5 to 10 years. There is no way she can experience him in reality, so her fantasy could possibly keep her imprisoned with him for some time. I'm not saying they couldn't be happy when/if he ever gets out, but it's ashame seeing her throw the prime of her life away waiting on him.
I knew in a practical sense, I couldn't do anything to change the situation. No amount of DB'ing would break the impasse, so I used it to help myself heal and move on. Ironically, I might have had a better chance if the guy was not imprisoned. Although the W is deep in fantasy, the reality of a physical coexistence with him long term would have eventually caused some stress. My W has never really had to struggle financially, and I think his situation would have/will test her considerably in that regard.
Anyway, every situation is different and we all have a different tolerance. You will eventually come to your own conclusions.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
