RonJon, my XH dropped the bomb ILYBINILWY as we were planning a move, already qualified for a new house, "baby" planning his move out of the house and other children moved out. XH had a big meeting with our boys and told them nothing would change except he and I would not be married. He told them I would be angry for a while, he would be a**hole for six months, and then we would all be friends and I would see how this was the better for all of us. He stated very up front that he wanted to be "friends" and that would be best for our family. I told him I would like to be his friend and his wife but I could not take our lives and reduce them to just friends. I also told him love is a choice. Once the "ga-ga" phase of a relationship is over, I do believe love is a choice. None of us are the perfect beings that we seem to be during what I term the "ga-ga" phase.

I wish I had good advice to offer you. I'm really just throwing out some thoughts that might give you a different perspective. XH and I were engaged at Christmas 1979, married 8/30/1980, I was trying to get him together with our realtor on 9/25/2004 and instead he announced he didn't want to be married and walked out. I found out later his "friend's" husband had filed for D on 9/5. On 9/27/2005 our D was final. I'm 53 and he is 47. He is on GF #3 and living with her. So, I guess he has moved on.

I don't talk with him on the phone, only e-mail him if it has something to do with kids or grandkids and that is rare. I have been out on two dates...didn't really enjoy it so I'm not looking at that choice much. The one guy actually told me how I was going to need to rearrange my life in order to be acceptable to him. Excuse me?

I work a lot. No spousal support, kids are grown so no child support, I earn about 1/5th of his income without a second job or overtime and got 50% of the bills. But, on the positive side I have a job, work overtime, bought a fixer-upper [all I could afford and my dogs and I didn't thrive very well in an apartment :(]. One of the main reasons I don't date is I do not want anything serious in my life. I don't want expectations from me. I don't want to be told I need to do this or that. Not sure why that is what I seem to attract but until I figure that out I'd rather be by myself. This has been a really difficult time for me. I don't have any siblings, my parents are deceased, and I feel like I have lost my whole family. XH's siblings initially said, you will always be family, you are welcome anytime, blah, blah. When FIL was here last summer, I was polite enough to call and ask if I could stop and see him at a 4th of July picnic as I had the day off from both jobs and he had requested to see me. After being put on hold, XH and siblings had a discussion in front of our son about how awkward it would be because OW is there, blah, blah, so I was told it was not a good time. Well, I don't know about anyone else but if I tell someone they are welcome anytime, I don't turn around and put limits on it. So, I did manage to find time to see FIL at another time as he asked again, although it meant not sleeping and still going to work. I've since cut all contact with XH's siblings as well.

I'm remodeling my place......slowly. I've never done anything like this before and after working 60 to 70 hours a week I don't have a lot of energy left over but my only critic at this time is me. My plan is to remodel this place, sell it, and buy a place with a garage.

For some of your musings, I don't know how you just turn off loving someone after 25 years. I still love XH. I still miss him. I miss our family. I still wish he would come home sometimes. I don't have a lot of time to think about him and I don't dwell on what probably won't ever happen. I'm just trying to take one day at a time. I don't make life plans anymore...who knows.

We recently had a birthday party for 2-year-old grandson. My son wanted his dad to come but wouldn't ask him. He said his dad would either be too busy or out of town or something as that is the response he normally gets. So, I e-mailed and told him. I showed up early, got tables, ordered pizza, etc., and when XH showed up I gave him a hug and said it was good to see him. When I'd had enough of thousands of screaming little kids, I told kids good-bye and left. XH later told our son that is why he doesn't know if he should come. He had no idea what he did that made me angry enough to leave. When son called me to ask if I was angry, all I could say was huh?

I really hadn't intended to leave you a mega-post although I'm sure this is. I would just say not all women are out there looking for Mr. Right. Maybe the younger ones. Our society tends to raise girls that way. I doubt I'll ever put that kind of trust into any person in the future...especially when it all seems to hinge on a whim. Good luck to you. Do what makes you feel good. If you want to be nice to your XW, be nice. If not, I can really say the only person you will always have is yourself.

Glenda